When I took LSD in December 2017 for the first time since October 1999 I was most taken back by the fact it didn’t set off any obsession or compulsion to drink or take other drugs. Obviously I hoped it wouldn’t and had done my research to strongly suggest it wouldn’t, but to be high on acid and not feel the obsession and compulsion to take other drugs was so new to me – my last trip in 1999 I had started drinking and shooting cocaine only a couple hours into the trip. Now in recovery on acid the thought of another drug was absurd, I didn’t even want to eat meat and opted for the vegetarian option burrito and skipped dessert because sugar is unhealthy. What the fuck is happening to me, I thought.
When I first smoked weed for the first time in 17 years I got so stoned and the paranoia made me think, oh shit you have done it now, you are too stoned to be in recovery, this is a relapse, but after I calmed down a bit I realised I didn’t have any obsession or compulsion to smoke any more or take any other drugs. Since then weed has become a positive addition to my life and when I am in Australia and have my stash I vape a small hit 2-3 nights a week. All the other psychedelics I had tried were the same; LSD, DMT, MDMA and 2CB – I could take them or leave them. What’s more my sex addiction had seemed to be curbed significantly and I gave LSD the credit for that. My diet had never been better, I exercised daily, I rarely got obsessed with things and my behaviour was very measured.
My addiction seemed to be falling off me like I was shedding layers of dead unwanted skin, maybe I can drink controllably now. What the fuck!! That’s a dangerous thought. Anyone I have ever met in recover that voiced that opinion to me relapsed and caused havoc in their lives, some died. I checked myself and I had no desire to drink, this was not anywhere near an obsession or compulsion, it was more an intellectual curiosity. Since I didn’t actually want to drink the risk versus reward was way to high and even if there was a chance I could drink manageably, which at this stage I thought possible, it was in no way worth the risk. But could these reservations be the thin end of the wedge that one day caused a desire to drink beyond my mental control? I believed these thoughts could. What was the answer?
I decided if AA is worth it’s reputation, as I believe it is, then working the 12 steps and doing meetings should keep me sober, that is the only thing AA offers. If my thinking can’t keep me sober, then it shouldn’t be able to make me drink. I decided to put my faith in AA and hand this problem over to my higher power and the combined energy of AA, and continue to do regular meetings. I shared about my reservations a couple times at a meeting, but it felt uncomfortable, so I didn’t mention it again. The thoughts were not very persistent, nor did they have much emotion behind them, at no stage did I ever want a drink.
I thought about the instructions in the Big Book if you doubt you are a true alcoholic step into the nearest bar and have a drink, have two. I didn’t want to do that experiment, but it scared me that I could justify it by saying “The Big Book said to.” I was just happy that I didn’t have the desire to drink and put this problem in the too hard basket and continued doing meetings telling myself. AA offers freedom from alcoholism, I do not need to know how it works I just need to continue to go to meetings and live by spiritual principles.
I was heading off for an 8 week trip to travel Eastern Europe at the end of April and decided that I would have a big day of psychedelics the day before my flight. 10am I would take 150mics of acid, followed by 200mg MDMA at 2pm, followed by 30mg 2CB at about 6pm. It was a fucking wild day. Anyway, at about midday when I was tripping balls it hit me. I had this wave of gratitude for my life, absolute bliss based in the reality of how good my life is, through the lens of acid. I then realised how alcohol and addictive drugs could ruin everything. It wasn’t fear so much as a stark recognition that the disease of addiction was just a drink or a drug away and I prayed to God, my higher self and whatever other power I didn’t understand, but could possibly draw on, that I would stay free of addictive drugs and alcohol. It then dawned on my that once again I admitted to my inner most self that I was alcoholic. Of course I was alcoholic, I had an allergy to alcohol and if I drank any I would not be able to control or moderate the use. I am an alcoholic. I have an allergy to alcohol. I have to go to AA meetings every week to arrest that disease.
Again LSD had changed my brain, heart and soul in ways that I can never completely understand. I was in recovery and high as fuck. I was having my cake and eating it to. I spent the rest of the day in a bubble of gratitude as I took the MDMA and finally the 2CB that evening where I walked along the beach in the dark, the gratitude for my life reaching a crescendo where I felt self-acceptance, pride, humility, and hope for the future. As I walked I thought to myself, it should be illegal to feel this good, and then I laughed to myself as I realised it was, I had been taking illegal drugs all day. Good, keep them illegal, keep them away from the blue piller’s.
Red Pill Recovery 