As a recovering addict I got pretty close to that edge that meets addiction, both on drugs and sex, a few weeks ago. I not only got close, I walked right up to that edge, walked along it, did a little dance on it, and just about bungy jumped into it. But here I sit clean and serene.
I had had a tough month in Australia. I came back from 2 months in Eastern Europe, mostly Poland, and suffered terrible jet lag. It wasn’t only the inconvenience of not being able to sleep at night, which to be honest I didn’t mind so much because I worked out I could just get really stoned on weed and get lost in my thoughts, but the lack of sleep affected my mood, my confidence, my cognitive skills, and all round health in general. It was tough and lasted way longer than expected. It took almost 2 weeks to fully recover, then the day I recovered I got a man cold and was sick for the next two weeks.
I also had some mild depression during this time, but at least I was able to get a lot of work done and spend some time with my kids. I had a month booked in Bangkok and Jakarta at the end of July and recovered just a couple of days before leaving. Because of jetlag and my cold I didn’t feel like taking any psychedelics except weed for that month. So fully recovered I decided to go hard my last day in Australia. I said goodbye to the kids and headed to my workplace in Brisbane where I have a bedroom and office. I got up early the next morning and completed any work I needed to do and was ready for my drug fest by 9am. I didn’t have to be at the airport until 7pm the next evening. My plan was LSD followed by MDMA four hours later, followed by 2CB a few hours later and to finish the night with ketamine and weed. A solid plan.
I started with about 250 mics of acid. I walked along the beach and before long was out of my tree. I had a big awakening over a resentment to my mum caused by an inheritance disagreement. Regardless how justified I was, this was the sort of thing that could lead a man back to drink. It was only money. My life would be better if I just loved her and let go of that which I thought was mine. I felt I had dodged a bit of a bullet. Once again I was grateful what LSD had showed me. A couple hours in my neck started to really hurt. I get this often in winter if I get cold at night, I have a chipped bone floating in my neck and the muscle spasms and by lunch time the next day I can hardly move it. Usually I’m not tripping balls by lunchtime the next day. I took some ibuprofen but didn’t get much relief. An hour later I took some codeine, still not much help so took some Valium an hour after that. That did the trick, but those depressant drugs on top of the acid just got me wasted rather than the introspection I like so much from acid. I just found myself completely not thinking, and while I enjoyed it I felt a bit like a sleep walker and it wasn’t what I wanted. Still, I was along for the ride so would do my best. The 4-hour mark was up so 200mg of MDMA it was. An hour later the world was truly a beautiful place.
I went back to the beach and now my neck felt fine, I couldn’t really feel the codeine and valium, and I was able to get much more introspective. I felt the love for my kids and outlined plans of what I needed to do to be a better father to each of them. I felt gratitude for their mum and worked out what I needed to do to assist her and have a sustainable relationship going forward. I made business plans and lifestyle plans. I reviewed my past. I felt gratitude for all the hard work and courageous decisions I had made in the last few years. MDMA on acid is truly remarkable. A couple hours later I took the 2CB and that just brought everything together. No new awakenings, but just bedded down the learnings.
That was about where I could have stopped and in the past I had generally called it a good psychedelic journey and let the drugs wear off. But I was on a bit of a mission. I’m also not sure how much the codeine and valium played into it, but I think they could have caused a bit of compulsion. I went home and smoked some DMT. I haven’t had amazing experiences on DMT like I have heard others report, it tends to send me in mental loops and I have never come back with any real learnings, but I had some in the drawer and it only lasts for 5 minutes, so why not. I smoked it and while not very insightful, it was probably the best experience I had on DMT. I think the MDMA and 2CB made it a lot more loving. I came out of my DMT trance in a fantastic mood and made a coffee and chewed a couple of of hash toffees I had in the freezer. The standard dose was one, so I thought two would give me a good high. 40 minutes later I was unimpressed so I thought I would go back to the beach and vape some real weed. I got to the beach and and took some hits from my vape and went into another world. I’m not sure if it was all the other drugs or the combination of edibles and weed, but this was awesome. I was so out of it and had plenty of energy to walk up and down the Margate beach yet again.
I got the munchies and felt like fried chicken. I hadn’t had KFC in 6 months so thought I would lash out. I had also only ate oats and fruit smoothies all day so figured it was ok. The fried chicken tasted so good. I licked my fingers and went for another walk and had a few more hits on the vape. I reviewed my day. After a rocky start with the neck pain it had turned out really good. Now I was as high as I had ever been on weed, but no paranoia. This was great. Then a clever idea came to me. I have ketamine at home. So I went home and weighed 120 mg of K and did a small line. It was nice, chopped up some more weed, hits of the vape. I looked at the time. 9pm. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow and don’t have to be at the airport till 7pm, some more MDMA? Why not.
I crushed up some crystal and had a few lines. The room took on a yellow glow, oh I love everything. Another line of K, things are getting weird, some more hits from the vape. An hour, maybe 2 goes past, might as well have some 2CB, it’s meant to be therapeutic to have 2CB after MDMA. Ok, things are starting to get really weird, another line of K, vape more weed. I catch myself sitting meditation pose with a straight back like I’m some spiritual master and laugh at myself. The last line of K and now I’m too out of it to even vape any weed. The whole room looks like it’s under water, everything is floating, the paintings on the walls are alive with animated gnome creatures. I look at my arms and they are like alien arms, long and skinny. I can hardly move, the K tranquilliser affect has kicked in. I have pushed it as far as I can. I lie back on my bed and dream away. I wake up, not sure where I am. Oh, I’m in my room, it’s ok. I’m safe. I go to sleep. I wake up the next morning. Oh fuck. I sleep a good chunk of the afternoon. I make my flight.
Did I relapse? Technically I didn’t take anything on my prohibited list. But I did take more drugs than I planned. Did I lose control? Or did I just take the opportunity to get really wasted when I had a 36-hour block on my own without any responsibilities? If I was to do that every time I took psychedelics, I would have to concede there was a problem. But this one off didn’t cause any problems. It certainly didn’t kick in an obsession or compulsion to use drugs. I sit in Jakarta 3 weeks later and I’ve taken no drugs since.
Red Pill Recovery 