I couldn’t wait to explore the world of drugs and alcohol when I became a teenager and gorged from the smorgasbord. Sex came not long after, but I wasn’t able to gorge so much until I got a little older. I got clean in NA when I was 19 and after some trial and error stayed clean from 25. Now I am 43.
I had a look at SLAA a few times, and even did the steps with a sponsor. Every time I looked at SLAA I would get big improvement around accepting my sexual behaviour. So much so I never felt the need to set bottom lines. Ironically SLAA helped me act out in peace and for the most part manageably.
I started smoking weed and taking psychedelics in Dec 2017. I decided to set a bottom line around drugs rather than total abstinence. My bottom line was no drugs of physical addiction. This has served me well and my life has continued on an upward trajectory. I still attend AA weekly and am more convinced than ever that I am an alcoholic (and addict). If I touch alcohol, heroin, cocaine, meth, or anything addictive I am gone.
Weed and psychedelics have been a big part of my recovery over the last year. LSD has allowed me to remember long forgotten memories and more importantly the feelings that those memories bring. On two occasions on LSD I have experienced what the big book describes as “we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics”. I have had periodic reservations about my drinking and drug use my whole recovery. I think it’s normal. It’s the disease. But on these two occasions I could feel the desolation and despair that I used to have almost 20 years ago. My reservations have completely gone for the first time ever in my recovery thanks to LSD.
Recently, on LSD, I experienced my powerless over money. This was new to me. I have always lived beyond my means, but being a small business owner I was able to justify that the next big product was just around the corner. I also had a mum that would give or lend me money. This made it was easy to spend about 10K more than I earned every year.
My mum’s mum died about 5 years ago and my mum said I could have half of the value of Nan’s house (650K) at some distant time in the future. At Christmas time my mum gave me 300K with the promise of another 350K on July 1st 2019. It was a challenging time for me with a very sick son in hospital so this extra money was very welcomed. In theory it meant that I could reduce all the interest expenses of my business which totalled almost 15K per year. And then in July I could buy a warehouse instead of renting one. For the first month I felt really good about this. I was wealthy. I had very little financial insecurity for the first time ever. But that soon wore off as I realised that I would have to manage that money and not lose it all. The financial security turned to yet another responsibility.
Then on LSD again I saw my financial situation clearer than I had ever seen before. I was tripping balls walking along the coast line of Margate beach where I love to trip. I was looking out at the ocean and realised I was wealthy. I had no debt and over half a million in assets. Then I felt fear. I saw myself as a 15-year-old kid living at my mums. I felt that financial dependency on her. I saw my behaviour of buying weed to sell to the other kids, but rarely making an overall profit. I would always spend (or smoke) more than my profit. I would sometimes be able to make a few stock turns, but eventually my capital would go.
Standing there looking at the ocean high on LSD I felt like the exact same kid. I had never grown up and matured financially. I had never become financially independent. I was going to lose all this money if I didn’t change. It wasn’t if I lost the money. It was when. I would eventually whittle it down to nothing. It might take 10 years, it might take 20. But it would be gone if I didn’t change. I made a commitment then and there to get my finances sorted.
Over the next month I made some efforts. I got on top of my accounts and got my 2018 Tax return done early for the first time ever, but I wasn’t making enough progress. Every time I set aside to time to get my accounts in order there would be a fog come over me. I just couldn’t think clearly about my own income and expenditure. I had a disease.
I remembered fellowship friends talking about DA. Maybe that can help. I went online and read some personal stories. These were my stories. I was a compulsive debtor. I was unmanageable around money. And there was a 12 step fellowship for people just like me. Hoo fucking ray
Red Pill Recovery 