I had started a new 12 step fellowship in January with Debtors Anonymous and had made a lot of progress with getting my accounts in order. I was now much clearer about my income and expenses, and even had a budget. I was up to step 3. The first 2 steps had smashed me. My understanding is the steps reveal the lies your ego has created to protect yourself. These lies might have been useful in traumatic childhood circumstances, but were no longer. The process of the steps reveals these and those parts of your ego have to die. This is painful.
Step 1 had shown me my powerlessness. I was obsessed over sugar dating. Hundreds of hot teens giving me attention. It distracted me from that which I considered most important. I was neglecting my personal relationships and kids, even when I was with them I was checking my phone constantly and not as available as I would like. Step 2 had shown me the insanity of fucking, and in most cases paying, girls I didn’t even like. I knew I was up to step 3 when the obsession for sugar dating was gone. Like recoiling my had from a hot flame I had been restored to sanity and no longer had any desire to message or date these girls at all.
Now I was on step 3; handing my will and life over to the care of a higher power. Being an atheist I thought of my higher power as the higher parts of myself that loved me and wanted the best for me. I had been consistently working hard at my business for a few months and had got things on track and made some very realistic plans for the next 9 months. There was not much left to do. The weather was a beautiful Brisbane winter’s day; sunny, low twenties.
“Micky. Do you want to get wasted on LSD today.”
“Can you think of any reason I shouldn’t?”
“Hmmm. No.”
“No MDMA?”
“Well fuck yeah then brother.”
I swallowed about 300ug before midday. I had been progressively increasing my dosage of LSD as I got more used to the entheogen. Now I was able to take large doses and enjoy all the benefits of those, but still be able to keep a grip. I cleaned up my office and room. After 20 minutes I could feel the acid starting to kick in. I did some yoga to music and could feel myself start to enter a new world, a world I had become familiar with. In down-face-dog the house music pumped through my headphones and reverberated through my whole body. The quality of the music increased significantly, every beat and note attached themselves to an emotion. With my eyes closed I could see a spiralling vortex of colour. My body moved and flowed with the colours in my mind and the sounds in my ears. There were no deep thoughts yet, this part of the trip is more meditative and often confusing.
I finished my yoga and ate some muesli, I was going to need my energy for the rest of the day. I went to the beach and walked along the foreshore from Margate to Redcliffe listening music. The day was grand. 23 degrees with patchy white clouds and not too much wind. The perfect tripping weather. I continued to walk along in meditation. Thoughts would come and go, but they were scrambled. Fears, doubts, insecurities. What am I doing with my life? I should be working more. I should be more available for my family. What if I lose all my money? Will I grow up and be lonely? Where do I find peace and happiness?
For this confusing part of the trip it was better to feel than think. Instead of answering my own questions I feel the pain of where they come from. I feel the fear of loneliness. I feel the fear of my business going broke. I consider the worst case scenarios. I look at my hands. I look down at my Adidas runners, my old brown shorts and t-shirt. I’m me. No matter what happens I am me. I have full health and intelligence. I can deal with anything. I just did deal with anything spending the last 6 months in the hospital with my son.
I look at the crystal clear ocean. The light breeze causes a ripple of small waves that sparkle and reflect a multitude of white, greens, and blues. The cloud formations take on a mythology of their own. They spin and twirl in on themselves with the bright blue background of the sky. As the visuals get better the confusion is being replaced with self-reflection and clarity. It’s now two hours in. The come up is almost done. Let the fun begin.
I decide to sit by the water. I take my shoes off and walk down onto the sand. It’s cold and massages my feet. I sit by the water’s edge, my bum on the cold sand. At eye level with the lapping waves as they approach close to my feet I feel connected to the ocean. I think how much time I spend at this body of water. I walk along the edge of our large island most afternoons recharging from it’s depths like its a battery. I review my life. I review all the other times I have sat here with this same view on LSD.
I remember in tears over the death of my son who was still alive. Feeling his pain and suffering. I closed my eyes and could see a black vortex that was his life. A life stuck without words and very little means to communicate. The spiralling black vortex that symbolised the eternity of being. The seeming eternity of life. Not only does my son have the dilemma of a life that feels without end, but so do I, so does everyone have the same spiralling vortex of eternity where you don’t know exactly what to do or why you’re doing it. We make plans and goals, have beliefs and convictions, to feel like we have a purpose, but deep down we know we are a speck of dust on a rock flying at incomprehensible speed through a universe we pretend to have some knowledge of. While my sons life, or lack thereof, is tragic, he still faces the same metaphysical reality as anyone.
I feel him stuck in eternity behind a mirror. The scene in the 1980’s Superman of the villains being trapped in the glass and sent hurtling through the universe comes to mind. I hold onto that feeling. I imagine what it would be like to not be able to move or communicate. It hurts. But the pain has changed. I am no longer in shock.
I decide it’s time to walk again and get up, wash the sand off my feet and put my shoes back on. My movements are slow and steady. I have all the time in the world. I head south from Margate Beach towards Woody Point. I look at the sky and see a large Eagle soaring. It is hard to see how large he is until he flies over a high rise apartment. His wing span is easily the length of the balcony, three, maybe four meters long. Wow, the king of the sky. He has no predators. He is the baddest motherfucker in the Brisbane sky. He takes off and before long is out of site.
I go back to thinking about my son Tommy. He is in a lot of pain caused by the dystonia. His dystonia medications have helped, but are not enough to keep him comfortable. I have the decision to put him on morphine or not. Going on morphine is a serious life decision. It can take more than it gives. I will have to explain to him what a lover and a whore it can be. I used heroin for a couple years back in the day so I know the benefits and pitfalls. He will grow to love it, He will grow to hate it. It will give him warmth and comfort, yet leave him empty and depressed at times. He is in too much pain. I don’t think he has an option.
I take a seat overlooking the bay on the Gayundah Esplanade. I can see the Brisbane port and the container ships as they cross the channel. Morphine… I think. I remember the warmth. I remember the nothingness, the warm blanket of nothingness. I remember the needle going into my arm, holding my breath as I draw out the blood flower and then push the plunger in filling my veins with heroin. The warmth washing over me, the acceptance of all things. I wonder if I will ever feel that again. I ponder. Maybe I could do it just once again.
I wake startled from my reverie. That’s the same thought that kills well over half of all recovering addicts and alcoholics. That is the thought that is most likely to kill me. Am I in danger of relapse? No. I have no desire. I follow through with the thoughts. I imagine the ball and chain of heroin. I see my family, my friends, my business – my usefulness to them and sense of meaning in their life. I see it all fall away. I see the disease of addiction take my life. The inability to stop using despite my deepest desire being a life free of it. As I close my eyes I see the black vortex again, but this time it is the vortex of addiction. Like a black hole sucking up everything in my life and leaving me completely alone, destitute and unable to stop. Tears run down my face. I look around. No one is there. I scream into the ocean. Aaaaaaggggghhhhhhh. It feels good to get out.
There is a famous sentence in the AA big book that says. “We had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic… The delusion that we are like others has to be smashed.”
I had just experienced that humbling again. Since smoking weed and taking psychedelics in sobriety the thought had come to me a few times that if I can do it with these substances then I might be able to do it with alcohol. I dismissed the thought quickly, but was aware of the danger it presented. Now sitting on my seat overlooking my ocean I was at peace that I was alcoholic and if I ever drank, or used heroin, cocaine etc. that would be the end of me. I would spiral in a darkness of self-abuse and destruction unable to stop. That is me, that is how I am, and I have been sober for 18 years. I was really starting to enjoy the trip.
I took a hit of my wed vape and walked along beach reflecting on my life. I looked at all the problems in my life that were really out of my control; my son being sick, suppliers being pricks, one blatantly trying to rip me off, etc. etc. As I walked along the beach and the acid was peaking I realised the only thing I could do was let go. It might cost me some cash and some time, but in another year or two I will have a whole new set of problems. I put on a 5 minute psytrance track that I had lopped into a couple hours. It had Ekhart Tolle’s voice with pumping psytrance in the background.
“The shift from thinking to awareness. That’s why we’re here. Noticing the silence. That in you which notices the silence is not thinking. It is stillness. If or when thought still comes. You can recognise it without being completely drawn into it. The perfect state is the acceptance …. of NOW”
Walking along I stretched my arms out by my sides, and the weight of the world fell away from me. The blues of the sky and the ocean shimmered and looked like a world away offering hope and enlightenment. I walked down to the water and waded into the ocean. The water was cool on my feet, the sands massaged my soles. I have nothing to worry about I realised. Right now, right here, I have my health and my wealth. While other people are at work I get to play on the beach like a kid. There was nothing I would rather be doing.
I was totally in acceptance. The pain of the last 6 months, the pride that I had been there for my kids. I could see a bridge from their old life to their new and I had walked along that bridge holding their hands. I had dug deep into my compassion and lost myself. I had dug deep into my sex addiction and lost myself. And now it was over. We were almost to the other side of the bridge. The kids needed me there, but no longer need to hold my hand. I had done it. I had been there when I was needed. And now I need myself.
Wading through the cool water vaping on my weed, the colours bright orange, pinks, turquoise, and blues. It was as beautiful as I had ever seen. My mind was calm, thoughts had slowed to a crawl. I was overwhelmed by the beauty. This is acceptance. This is step 3. I could live here for ever. I have no desires, dreams, or motivations. The past is a story and the future is a mystery I care not think about. This is it. I have killed my ego. I will be born brand new tomorrow.
I am completely isolated and alone and I am completely content. My body is comfortable, I don’t have a single need or desire – accept this weed vape that I just love sucking on. Thank God for drugs. This is narcissist. This is the beauty and joy of a newborn baby. The boundaries between me and the world are unclear. This is the true meaning of the fable. As I stare into the water at the reflection of my own mind I swim in narcissist. I love my mind. This is birth, this is complete self-centredness, this is beautiful. My ego is asleep, but will wake up again. Enjoy it while it lasts Micky.
Red Pill Recovery 