I Have a Problem With Intimacy

Hey Micky. How was your weekend?

It was ok. It’s so much better now that Tommy has carers. The pressure is off. It doesn’t feel so much like work, but it still tires me.

Yeah, family can be tiring.

I think it’s me that makes it tiring.

How so?

Well, I watch my mum around the kids, especially Tommy and I see how hard it is for her to just sit with him and be present. It pisses me off. She flies all this way and wants the family to accommodate her to “see Tommy” and then just ignores him, says a quick hello and then spends her time asking me questions or on her ipad.

I think the question asking is just a way to get your attention.

I know. It’s her way of reaching out. And I get it. I don’t even care so much that she ignores him. It is what it is. He has plenty of company. The thing that gets me most is that I do it too.

I’ve seen you with your kids. You’re a pretty good dad.

Yeah, everyone says that. And I used to believe it, but I am having doubts now. How can I be? I lack identity. I don’t really know who or am I what I want. Only last week thought I knew who I was and what I wanted, but then I had a very vivid flashback of when I was 8 years old. I could feel myself, my short blonde hair, my fair skin, my baby fat body. And I felt what I wanted. I was a good boy. I wasn’t bad like the teachers and my parents told me. I was good and I wanted a good life. I wanted everything that I considered good.

Like Aristotle’s Eudaimonia?

Yes. That’s the “good” and the hope I felt. That’s what I wanted for myself when I was 7. That was the hope I had.

You’ve had a pretty good life since then. Sure there were some ups and downs, but you made it in the end. Look at the life you have now. Look at all the adventures you have had.

Yes. But I’m no longer sure they are me. When I was 7 I looked around me and I saw my parents friends. They had good jobs, big houses, fast cars, and pretty wives. I wanted that. I wanted one day to be the king of my castle.

You had that for a long time didn’t you?

Yes, but I wasn’t always present for it. Back when I was 7. I looked out at my future and imagined “good”. I then did what felt good. The problem is what feels good and what is good are not always the same. It wasn’t advantageous to be honest when I was 7 so I had to create characters to role play so I could fit in better. I imagine this is pretty normal, especially with the peer pressures of primary school kids, but most kids get to be themselves when they get home and are in the safety of their family. I had learnt that home was not a place to be honest about my feelings. I was disincentivised whenever I was honest about my feelings. Back then the only experience I had of what it was like to be myself around others was shit. I was so sad and lonely.

You seem to be yourself around me

Yes, but it’s the self I created. I make you laugh and shock you with my crazy stories. When I was 7 I got sick and was in hospital for a month. When I went back to school a couple months later I remember looking out the window next to 2 of my class mates. The sickness had given me a very high fever, a side effect of that was that my hair started to fall out. While I was looking out the window with my two class mates I absent mindedly rubbed my hand through my hair and a clump of hair came out. They both looked at me in shock. I did it again, but this time on purpose and got the same reaction.

You just wanted a reaction out of people. You wanted to know you were unique. People can only be shocked at something they believe is unique. Like Micky’s adventures.

Yeah, and the humour gets me a similar feeling. I get a reaction and feel clever and special.

This is as opposed to showing authenticity and being ignored if not downright rejected.

Yes, but deep down I wanted love and acceptance. Laughter and shock was just the best I could get. My mum wasn’t available and I saw naked men in her room and imagined they were getting the love I so needed. My response was I will get a wife when I grow up and then we will have sex and I will have the affection I need. Better still, if I have 2 wives then I can assure my affection needs. I used to fantasise bout the 2 girls I had a crush on coming to my bedroom window asking to come in to have sex with me. They had never met each other and just happened to come on the same night by coincidence.

Micky and his 2 wives… But isn’t that also normal. I remember growing up wanting a wife. It is part of our culture. And I can’t say too many men would be disappointed if they had 2 wives. There is a religion with over a billion people in it that allows it.

I think the origins of Muslims being allowed more than one wife was because there were way more women than men back then. Men were dying in war all the time so it made practical sense. The motivation was not for man to have 2 wives because he couldn’t get his affection needs from just one.

You have a point there. So are you going to get a wife and be monogamous?

Hell no. That’s not my point. My point is I have no idea what I want. From that age of 7 I took on roles that were not the authentic me and derived satisfaction from attaching to things instead of people.

How do you mean attaching?

Because I wasn’t my authentic self around anyone I wasn’t able to be intimate with anyone. You know the joy when you have a best friend that really understands you. Where you can let down your guard and feel exactly as you feel together.

Yeah. We have that sometimes don’t we?

Yes, accept that it’s been so long since I have been my authentic self that I only ever show people snippets. I play the character of Micky around you too.

I like Micky.

So do I. But I am sad he can’t connect with people. I think it’s because of the attachment disorder. I never learned to be me around people so I am always lonely around people. I don’t experience the joy of bonding because I am not there as my authentic self. To fill this void I found things that could give me a similar feeling of wellbeing and hope – attachment disorder. When I was 7 I would use fantasy and hope for a future in which I could get my needs met. As I got older I found sex and drugs to attach to. These caused their own problems as one can expect.

But aren’t you free of that now? I know you have had a troubled past but I don’t see those things causing problems in your life now.

It depends what you call troubles. I can run a business, take care of family responsibilities, and enjoy myself some of the time, but there are long periods of isolation. I am always on my own. Even when I am with people I am alone because I cannot be myself. I don’t know how to be me. I have this deep belief that it’s not ok to show vulnerability or weakness.

Can’t you just start being yourself around people, like baby steps. Even you telling me this feels like that start of that.

I was hoping, but I am sceptical now. The last month has been much better, but the few months before that were as hard as I remember.

You moved house, moved business premises, divorced, and took your son home from hospital after a year of hospitalisation without the improvement you were expecting. I’m not surprised.

Now you put it like that, I’m not either. I avoided acting out sexually for those few months. I almost completely stopped any dating or even texting. It was an intuitive decision.

Yeah. I noticed that.

I believed that if I didn’t deal with the issues at hand I would have to deal with them down the track. So I’m glad I refrained from acting out, but now all those issues are resolved I’m getting more and more isolated.

Yeah. I have been a little concerned, especially the last couple of weeks. You don’t have that joy and zest for life that I have seen in you. Last month in Pattaya you had it. That was a fun trip hey?

Yeah. But I had Snook following me around like a puppy dog.

Damn she was hot. I suppose having a smoking hot 21 year old dedicated to your sexual happiness will life your mood.

It’s like a drug. In fact it’s way better than any drug. I can still work, there’s no comedown, but now I haven’t seen her for 3 weeks the magic has worn off. I’m back with just me. I use weed daily and psychedelics weekly or fortnightly to cope and they work, but I think they make it even harder to connect with others. I try. I really do. I go to AA, but I have shame that I smoke weed. I try and be there for the kids and family friends, but it’s so hard to be present. The drugs used to ease that discomfort. The drugs made it easier to cope on my own, but they are becoming less effective.

The drugs don’t work they just make things worse.

Haha. Something like that. They still work a lot, but the payoff doesn’t seem worth it.

Maybe you should go back to Thailand. Didn’t you say you want to bring Snook here?

I did, but I’m starting to think that is fraught with danger. If I bring her here to fulfil my addiction needs that is bound to end in tears.

Haha. When you say it out aloud like that, yeah, it could go south. So what are you going to do?

I might have to go back to NA. I might even have to go to rehab.

No way. Rehab?

I just don’t know what will happen if I get clean, maybe I will fall apart. I need to think about it. I think I’ll go to the beach and drop some acid.

Micky, Micky, Micky, you’re not going to take any MDMA are you?

No, fuck that, my mum and her husband is coming in the morning to visit for coffee so just LSD, 2CB, and weed – lots of it. That will sort me…