“Do 90 meetings in 90 days. You know, when I got out of Jail I did 90 in 90. And I’m the only person I know with long term recovery that stayed clean in jail and stayed clean when I got out. My friend was 20 years clean, did his time clean, but relapsed when he got out. I didn’t want that to be me.” Said my sponsor as we stood in his pool together. “Look at the life I have today.” He said as stretched his arms out and looking around at his surroundings; the tree lined property, the classic cars, the beautiful house, and most importantly to him his wife and kids. “I wouldn’t change a thing. My life is pretty much perfect. And I have peace of mind.”
I look around. I want this; tailored to my own personality, not his, but the same sense of accomplishment, security, and the love of family and friends. Maybe I will, but the commitment is not there. Just over a week ago I committed to NA again. I was high as fuck thinking I was driving in a roller coaster, but the commitment was solid. It hit me deep. I didn’t know how it would play out, but I knew I was committed. Not long after I went to a meeting and saw tradition 5 on the wall. “Each group has but one primary purpose: to carry its message to the addict who still suffers.” That’s it. That’s how I commit. I don’t know how I do that, but that’s how I do it.
In a meeting my head is racing with what I would share if I was asked. I want to be honest and explore ideas, but I don’t want to be too inappropriate. What I share is the filtered version of what I think – as it should be. And there it came. My vehicle to carry my primary purpose, my blog, this blog. A warm wave of hope and acceptance came over me. I wanted to be a writer since I was a teen. I wrote my first draft novel in 2009 as a means to get me out of depression. It helped a lot. I started blogging my daygame journey in 2017 and have written over a million words in blog posts, and unfinished short stories and novels. I didn’t care I didn’t have a target audience or that I was unfocused and never finished anything. I was getting into the habit of writing. I can now easily write a couple thousand words in a sitting. Now I have a target audience. Now I have a purpose to the craft I have developed over the years. Oh, that warm fuzzy feeling, like sex and heroin. I’m getting it again writing this. No heroin in my veins, but I am in Jakarta, so plenty of sex.
In my sponsors pool I consider telling him I’m not committed to the 90 in 90, but there is every chance I will get close. I look at him playing with his son while getting the leaves out of his pool. There’s no point arguing with him. He will only smile at me lovingly and say “Do whatever you want.” This is the man that agreed to sponsor me while I was vaping weed and taking psychedelics. He knows how wilful I am and loves me in spite of, maybe partly because of, it.
A couple days later, I go to a meeting and meet up with another old friend who’s now over 20 years clean. “It’s good to see you back you dickhead. When I got clean I had a counsellor who said I should do 90 meetings in 90 days. I asked why and he explained the power of habit and that it takes 90 days to form a habit and you will need the habit of meetings to stay clean.”
This is starting to be a theme. I know how true it is. I basically survived a 2 year relapse on positive habits. There was only one day (I remember) I was too wasted to do my morning program. I would get up from the previous days psychedelic binge, do yoga, meditation, journaling and at least an hour of work. I committed to a 20 minute daily yoga/Pilates type regime for 66 days (the recommended time to form a habit) 3 years ago and think I did 64 days of it. Since then it’s been easy to do 40 minutes 4-5 times a week – I did vape sativa during it in the last couple years. But it kept my body healthy. OK. I’ll try and do 90 in 90. If I can do 80 in 90 I’ll call that a win.
That weekend I’m at a meeting with my sponsor. “I did 2 meetings yesterday so I’m one in credit.”
“No credit here mate.”
“Fuck off. You said 90 in 90. I’m taking that literally. There will be days I just can’t do a meeting. The only reason I did that extra one last night was because there will be some days I will miss.”
“If you think you’re doing too many meetings, cut it down to one a day.”
The next week I fly to Bali for a holiday. I’m making an effort to change my sex behaviour and think committing to one girl for a week instead of dating and whoring will assist that. We last together 24 hours and she leaves. The next day I fly to Jakarta knowing there is only 2 AA meetings a week, and I doubt I will even do those. I vaguely think I can do online meetings as I move on to messaging all the girls I know in Jakarta and getting on Tinder.
I get into Jakarta yesterday afternoon, check into my awesome Airbnb apartment on the 28th floor, go and get a rub and tug from across the road, go to Grand Indonesia for dinner at my favourite franchise Ippudo Ramen, come home and a 23 year old cutie I banged in June comes over. We talk for 20 minutes then I fuck her 40kg body for an hour. She gets a taxi home. I sleep like a baby.
I wake up and look at my apartment. This is so much better than Bali. I am so glad I came here. I should message my sponsor. I didn’t tell him I was leaving Bali where I could do meetings everyday.
Nick:
My sex addiction got the better of me and I flew to jakarta even though I knew I wouldn’t do meetings for a week. I can’t say I regret the decision. It’s so much better here
Sponsor:
Is there AA?
Nick:
1 on Saturday
I send him a photo of the 21 year old model I am having lunch with. I’ve had a couple dates with her and not overly excited about her, and don’t see a real future – like I potentially did with Snook and Ruby, but she is nice enough company and I like showing my friends her photo.
Nick:
But I have a lunch date with her today. Does that count?
Sponsor:
Mmmmm. Fuck the meeting. Just joking. Fuck her then go the meeting.
I do my morning program and consider what I will do before my date. I have a little bit of work and then I can write and go to the gym. What a great fucking day ahead. I am so glad I got out Bali. I don’t even care I’m not doing my 90 in 90. Fuck 90 in 90. I’m having a week off meetings. I’ve done 15 in 14. This weeks dedicated to dating and writing. Oh a wave of warmth roles over me. My primary purpose is to carry the message through my writing. I am here doing it.
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