Just for Today I Choose Sex and Drugs

I’m sitting in a meeting. My sponsor is to one side of me and my best friend to the other. I have other friends all around me. I feel the love of NA. I feel the benefits of being an NA member for 20 years. I have known these friends around me for almost that much time. But I feel a bit like a failure. I relapsed again and am less than a week clean. I still have some LSD and 2CB left over in my drawer. I don’t want to throw it out. The meeting is themed relapse and recovery. The speaker shares. “When I start I don’t have an off switch. We don’t plan to relapse it just sneaks up on us. You have to be vigilant about this program.”

I think to myself I used to be like that. When I first used heroin and alcohol, even weed to a lesser extent, but that’s not my reality now. I planned my last relapse. I got the drugs and waited for the right day. The difference is I have so much will power and self-control now. It doesn’t make me any less of an addict, I started getting distant from my loved ones and friends as soon as I made the decision to use drugs again.

“Recovery is hard. I don’t want to do my morning program. I get up and resist every morning, but I do it.” Shares the speaker.

My morning program is so ingrained I even do it when I take drugs. I think back to my yoga session after lunch that day. It was great and destressed me, but it would have been better with weed. Oh, how I remember my afternoon yoga sessions when my son was in hospital for that year. I would sneak over to the apartment we were staying in across the road and get lit and do yoga every day after lunch. But if I had got baked and done yoga today I would have missed out on coming to see and have dinner with my NA friends.

I drive home that night, my daughter in the back, my hot 22 year old girlfriend sitting next to me. I look at her pretty face and caramel thighs. I’m driving back to my apartment that I have just finished renovating and is now almost a home. Everything is so perfect. My mind wonders. I remember the time I took 200 mics of LSD, then 25mg 2CB only 2 hours later and then dropped 200mg MDMA only an hour after that. I generally space my drugs out further, but for some reason there was a bit of compulsion on this day. The come up of the MDMA on top of those psychedelics was weird and shit started to morph a bit too strong as I walked along the beach. Oh, fuck, I wasn’t expecting this, I thought. MDMA normally dampens the psychedelic effects of LSD and 2CB. Next thing I know I am a kilometre from where I was, bit of an MDMA blackout, and then I feel pretty straight. Well that’s fucked. The MDMA just killed the trip. I continue to walk a bit dejected, then the MDMA love starts to bubble in my legs. I get a warm falling rising up my body and the world takes on a golden hue. I look down at my arms and legs. It bubbles in my stomach. I am so happy to be me I think as the come up finishes and I start to peak on MDMA. I am so happy to be me. I am so happy to be me.

I remember that feeling. I look next to me. I want that feeling again. I want to have it with her, I think as I look next to me at my little brown sex doll. She really is like a doll. I just want a couple more psychedelic sessions with her. I gave her LSD, MDMA, and 2CB last week. We had an amazing time, but it wasn’t enough. It will never be enough. One more, two more. I will always want more. I don’t know how I get these drug fantasies out of my mind. I don’t know if I much want to.

I will let the program do the work. I am 5 days clean and I have done 5 meetings in 5 days. I will wake up, do my morning program, do my work and then break mid-morning to do my step work and ring my sponsor. This is a new routine I am trying to be committed to recovery.

It’s 9.30 the next morning. I have worked for a couple hours. I pull out my step work and look at the questions. I can’t answer them. I am planning a relapse. I want to follow the program. I want to answer a few questions and ring my sponsor and check in, but it’s not happening. I’m not only planning a relapse, I am planning a return back to using. Fuck it. I always elapse and tell my sponsor afterwards. I will ring him first this time.

“Hey. I don’t think I am going to be able to stay clean. I think I am going to smoke weed again and just go to AA.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. The only thing I can say is ask yourself why you can’t live life without a substance.”

He gives me a few cautions and warnings. I try my best not to rationalise or justify my decision.

I go downstairs and speak to my warehouse manager.

“Timmy. I think I’m going to go back to smoking weed. And psychedelics a couple times a month.”

He just looks at me and smiles.

“You don’t look surprised.”

“I never thought you would last as long as you did. I don’t care.”

“So I have been the same to work with on drugs as off?”

“Yeah. I can’t tell a difference. I just don’t get to see you anymore because you are at meetings every night.”

“That’s a good point. When I am sober, but not clean, I can get away with two AA meetings a week, but when I am clean I need to do NA meetings nearly every night.”

“Fuck that.”

“Yeah it’s a big commitment. By the way can you go and get some weed off old mate.”

“Haha. I was waiting for it. Sure, but he probably won’t have any until tomorrow.”

“That’s fine. Thanks buddy.”

I walk back upstairs and consider how my life will be if I don’t go to meetings every night. Fuck, I will be able to get baked and watch porn with Ricky on my new 65 inch TV and fuck her brains out. I better tell her the good news.

“Ricky. I need to talk to you.”

“Ok baby.”

“I want to take drugs again.”

“Really?” She asked with a slightly shocked face.

“Yeah. You ok with that? You look a little sad.”

“I’m ok. You can do what you want. I just don’t want you to be sad. You told me you were sad because you take drugs and feel bad around your NA friends.”

“Yeah. I only felt bad because I felt like I had let them down. But I didn’t feel bad when we used drugs together. You enjoyed that didn’t you?”

“Yes. Maybe I can just take drugs and not you.” She says in jest.

“No. I want too. It will be ok. I just asked Timmy. He has seen me both clean and when I take drugs. He is happy if I take drugs again. I am his boss. His livelihood is dependent on me being able to run a business and he is ok with it. Come on. Let’s go and ask the girls.”

We walk into the lounge room where my 8 and 11 year old are.

“I’m going to start smoking weed again.”

“Haha. About time.” Says the oldest.

“No. It stinks.” Says the youngest.

“Apart from the smell. Is there anything else you don’t like about it.”

“Yeah. The smell.”

“I said apart from the smell. Can you tell the difference if I am stoned or not?”

“No.” She says.

“What about you Harmony. Do you prefer me clean or vaping weed.”

“I think your more relaxed when your vaping weed.”

“See Ricky. The girls don’t care. It will be ok.”

“OK. Baby.”

I finish my work, have lunch, do yoga, take all the girls to the beach and then we go shopping. It’s weird. I have already decided to relapse, but I don’t have any real desire to take drugs right this moment. I feel at peace with my decision.

We go home and I cook a T-bone and have it with vegies and salad, delicious. I finish dinner and remember I have hash brownies in the freezer. I get one out and have it with a cup of tea. An hour later I’m wrecked and watching the Pineapple Express movie with the kids on the couch. We are laughing and having fun. It reminds me when their brother was sick and we used to spend a lot of time together and I would get baked and we would all hangout and listen to music or watch a movie at night. The cannabis makes me more like a kid. If I can maintain this they are probably happier me staying home and playing with them rather than out at meetings every night.

The movie finishes. I say good night to them and head up the hall to my room. Fuck, I could have had half the amount of brownie, I think as I close my eyes to a kaleidoscope of colours as the room sways. I open the door to my bed room and Ricky is lying on my bed in her undies and singlet. She looks so hot, her pretty face and her caramel skin, her plump little breasts and thighs. I stagger towards the bed. This is going to be fun.

I drop my t-shirt, shorts, and undies in a trail from the door to the bed and then proceed to take her clothes off. I kiss her naked stomach and lick her light brown nipples. She tastes and smells so good. I lick her until she is good and wet and slide up inside her. Oh my God, I forgot how good sex was on weed. I’m completely in the moment, my body feels both numb and more sensitive at the same time. As I pull all the way and then slam back into her she moans and I feel a pang of ecstasy on each stroke. Oh my sweet cannabis, why did I ever leave you.

I get her on her knees and look at her round bum and Jessica rabbit hip proportions. I have the sexiest girl staying with me that just wants me to spend time with her and blow in her as much as I can. At any stage I want I can just fill her with my load. Every man’s animal instinct to blow inside a hot 22 year old. And I have one all to myself. As I smash her harder I realise the weed even helps delay me coming. If I really wanted to I could, but I seem to be able to keep a high pace without having to try and stop myself from coming. Oh, my sweet cannabis.

She turns her head to me and we kiss while still in doggie. I dig deep into her and breathing in each other mouth I let go of my balls and feel the flow of my seeds fill her sweetness. I squeeze out every last drop. She reaches for the tissues and gets them in place so as not to make a mess. She cleans me with the tissues while I lie on the bed drifting in my dreams.

Instead of going to meetings I can spend my evenings getting baked on weed and doing whatever I want to this beautiful little sex doll. Just for today I choose sex and drugs.