I sit on my couch to start my meditation. I look out my window as the sun comes up over the ocean behind the clouds making the sky pink. The water shimmers silvery blues as the light bounces along it’s surface. I think of God, the pink light behind the clouds, radiating warmth and life. It reminds me of the first time I took 2CB a couple years ago and saw the same thing at sun set, it felt like God smiling at me. A God I don’t believe in, but get the feelings all the same.
I’m not high now. I’m almost 4 months clean. I want for nothing – that’s a lie. I want an investment property, nicer car, and jetski. No, I would like those things. I need for nothing. I didn’t sleep so good last night, I have some problems at work, my girlfriend gets depressed and I am co-dependant to her moods. My life is not perfect. But at less than 4 months clean my life is satisfactory. I thought it would take a year, maybe a few.
Just a couple months ago I was broken. Thirty something days clean and I was more unmanageable that my entire relapse. I sat there in the lounge room over-looking the ocean in a luxury apartment in Cotton Tree. My beautiful 23 year old girlfriend in the king bed in the next room. My eccommerce business booming because of Corona, my health as good as it had ever been. And I was miserable. I had lost the most important thing to me – myself.
I couldn’t control my mood or my thinking. Not that I ever really can, but this was completely out of control, like the accelerator was stuck. I couldn’t trust my thinking, I didn’t have faith in myself. I would get overwhelmed at the simplest challenge. Business was good, but only because I was lucky enough to have good staff that did all the practical work. It was hard to have relationships because I was so unavailable (that still hasn’t changed much), but back then I could tell I was tiring people with my self-obsession – today I can hide it a little better.
Life may not get any better than this. And I’m ok with that. Really? I sit back into my chair and look out the window again. I take a sip of my water bottle and breathe. The weight of this settles into me. The ocean glimmers as the sun rises it’s God like mass over the clouds. The reds turn to yellow as the day forms. My whole life I have been living in waiting. It will be better when..
When I was a kid it will be better when I’m grown up. At school, it will be better when I’m at university. It will be better when I find the right friends, the right girlfriend, make my business successful, leave my girlfriend, change careers, get good at this skill, get clean for X months, finish my 4th step. Ad infinitum.
There are some things that will improve in my life, but there are also some things that will get worse. At 44, I’m only getting older so my health will get worse. My relationship will get better as we grow and trust each other, but then we will encounter new challenges. I will get closer to my kids again, but then they will become selfish teenagers and drive me mad. My busines will mature, but problems will always arise. I will develop intimate relationships and then they will end or just fade away.
The only constant is change, but if on the balance I have as much good in my life as bad – and don’t give me your spiritual mind wank about good and bad being perceived, suffering is optional shit, some things are good and some things are bad regardless of mindset – then I can live with that. And I want to live with that with a new jetski.
Red Pill Recovery 