Boredom. I start my day, life is perfect and I am bored, where is the fuel of addiction that used to drive me? Where is the life that will be so amazing when I do, achieve, learn, obtain, get to, fulfill…
Insecurity. I just spent $500 on the door electrics of my old Merc. The autoelect tells me I need another sensor that costs over $1000. I figure the car is worth about $5000 and I’m just waiting for something else to go wrong with it. If I want a European car he recommends top end – 5 series BMW. “A 10 year old one is still good value.”
Distraction. I have a heap of work to do. Business is good, but I can take a break. I search for 5 series. I find one, twin turbo V8, 10 years old, 100k on the clock, 30K. New price 178K. That sounds like value. I imagine myself in the most luxurious of V8’s. I imagine how special I feel, the attention I get, how special other people think I am.
I compare against other similar models. It is 5K cheaper than the others. I want it. The excitement builds in me like a drug, fuelled by how special I will be. Restless, irritability and discontentedness slip away. I deserve it. I have been working hard. I can afford it. Don’t be rash, go and do some work and decide tomorrow.
I work with a pep in my step. All I can think of is my new car. “My” new car. A pang of fear, what if I miss out? I should at least ring him. I could ring my sponsor – later. Negotiate to 29K, offer a 1K refundable deposit to take it off the market. He emails me an invoice for the 1k. I pay. I’m floating. My new car is going to fulfill me. It’s 178K new. It’s a marvel of modern engineering.
Before bed I check some youtube video’s most of them are warnings of what money sinks they are. Maybe I was a bit rash. I wake up in the middle of the night. The drug is gone. I feel emptiness and fear. I paid a $1000 deposit and I didn’t even get a copy of his license. I feel like an idiot. I no longer want the car. It’s too big anyway. I regain some composure. If I lose the $1000 it’s probably a good lesson. I will wait until midday tomorrow and email him I can’t get finance.
The next morning I think I have probably thrown the baby out with the bath water. Maybe I could still have this car. I deserve a nice car. Why am I working so hard if I can’t enjoy a few things. I ring my sponsor and he says it’s ok, but get it checked out. I ring the local BMW mechanic. He says they are great cars, but wants to see it. I arrange an inspection. It’s my car again. I’ve learnt my lesson from the day before. I don’t get as high. If it fails the inspection, which is unlikely, I will let it go.
It has an oil leak and problems with the front suspension. I’m out I tell the owner. He refunds my deposit. He gets in his to car drive away. Good bye my car. He starts the engine and you can hardly hear the V8, so muffled. And look at the size of it. I feel relieved. I dodged a bullet. I feel stupid, I can’t believe I was going to spend that much money without even test driving it.
The BMW mechanic has cars for sale. I take a 220i for a test drive. It’s a bit small. I go home and research. Now I know what I want, a 435i. It seems the best compromise of size, power and fuel efficiency. And look how beautiful it is, look at that bonnet. Oh I start to feel special again. Imagine driving that, oh I would be so special. I deserve it, I work hard, business is good. But I have to test drive one first. I can’t make the same mistake again.
I wake up the next morning. A slide show of 435i’s invade my mind. I no longer feel special. I just feel obsessed. This has infected my mind. Yes, I want a new car, but it’s like I can’t even think about it without getting completely possessed by the disease. I want to do my due diligence, check pricing, research potential problems, take a test drive, but they consume me.
Maybe I should just keep my old car. That’s not practical either. I will need a new car eventually. God, help me. Remove my obsession. Please God, I don’t know what to do.
Red Pill Recovery 