I’m a Success. Fuck! I Really Need to Stay Clean.

As I walked I felt something I have not felt so much before. It wasn’t the projection of the future and dreaming about how good things will be when I do this or achieve that. I have done thousands of walks like that. A very recurring theme was when I was 5-10 years clean I would consider my business growing to epic proportions and I would be able to retire and set up a lifestyle business. I imagined a penthouse on top of a club that I owned and I had a full bar of whatever liquor I wanted and in a position to have an endless stream of drugs and women. I vowed to keep healthy and I would dedicate myself to healthy eating and fitness, and even have a personal physician to help me.

I used to justify the reservation by the fact that it drove me to work really hard in my business to achieve the type of success I would need. I figured it was sort of a visualisation technique. Over time this reservation passed and I would daydream on my walks about the love of my life finally coming back to me. I was so in love for so long with this woman I sort of got used to the pain and disappointment. It became secure in some ways. I thought my diligence to our love would pay off. Commitment is a good thing, right? My life was on hold in lots of ways until she finally came to her senses and opened her heart and legs to me, which I believed without a doubt was inevitable. She never returned.

I didn’t give up on her completely, but I moved on and committed to being single. Then I discovered seduction was a skill and I could get better at it. That I could learn the confidence needed to meet and seduce women on a regular basis. That I could enjoy being single and have a full and satisfying sex life. So the journey of daygame began and when I wasn’t out walking on the hunt for international students I was walking along my beach imagining how good my life is going to be when I become a master seducer.

Within a couple years I found that the rudimentary skills of seduction I had picked up worked a lot better overseas so my daydream walks became about the promised lands I would travel experiencing different cultures and of course different women. And then my actual trips overseas were full of glorious sex addiction of living out my teen fantasies of abundant women of all different shapes (not big shapes) and colours.

November 2019 I gave up drugs and my single life. I found a beautiful young companion and went back to focussing on business instead of fucking as many girls as I could. Business really took off and now my walks would be obsessing about all the things I could buy with my new found wealth. All the beautiful apartments lining the beach, the prestige cars driving past. Oh there’s a jetski, we need one of them.

But yesterday was different. I am a married man and have been faithful for over a year. Business continues to grow and I feel wealthy now rather than some dream in the future. As I walk along the beach south of Redcliffe I look at all the beautiful houses right on the beach. I admire them and feel that if I just keep doing what I am doing I will own one of them. I don’t have to start a new business, I don’t even need to make any changes. I just need to keep spending less than I earn and the money will continue to pile up. I will have enough to buy one of these mansions one day in the foreseeable future.

There is a calm in me. I’m not even in a rush. I rent a beautiful house at the moment that I am happy to live in for years to come, but have made some lifestyle plans with my wife that we want a big house with detached living areas so her mum and brother can move out to Australia if they want and my girls always have a place to stay. We also want to build a disabled access living area for my son so he can stay with us too. These are wholesome plans for the future not something that I can spike my endorphins and dopamine on.

I consider what a different feeling it is. It’s not hope for the future, but it’s also not complete contentment in the present. I still want things, I am just so confident I can achieve them that they don’t require the obsession fuelled afterburners to motivate me. I just need to not fuck up. It’s a mixture of pride, self-esteem and hope. Could this feeling be success?

I consider my life and all the things I have achieved. I was a hopeless addict and on a down-hill spiral to destitution and institutions if I didn’t get clean, and most addicts like that can’t get clean. I was able to get long term clean time, and even with my foray into psychedelics my life has only continued to get better – especially since I have been trying to stop using them.

Ironically they have made me feel like a success at taking drugs. I surrendered to uppers and downers, especially alcohol and heroin. I believed I had an allergy that made me an addict, but I got clean because I failed at drugs. I just couldn’t get enough of them and keep my health or finances. Getting clean over a month ago I had it all except the most important things to me, my relationship with myself, God and my loved ones. By getting clean I was choosing love over addiction not because I had to, but because that was what I truly wanted. Like God offering Eve the apple and creating sin so they could then chose good over evil, I now had the choice to choose love over addiction.

I continue to walk as the cool air blows and the sun warms my forehead. An attractive woman in her 30’s passes and smiles. I nod my head. I think about myself as a married man. I really found a good woman. And I did it right. I didn’t just settle for the first woman that would have me and I didn’t have to hold my nose to fuck. I went out and had countless romances. I did a masters in pussy. And then as I was about to continue on to my doctorate I found the best one out of all of them and realised I had done enough research. I had succeeded in seduction and had a beautiful young woman fall madly in love with me. A beautiful young woman who would have been completely out of my league 5 years earlier before I started my “training”

This is success. I reminisce about all the romances and how I really have had more than my share. I consider all the wild psychedelic experiences. I’ve visited other worlds, had multiple life changing emotional experiences, and lived to tell the tale. And now I have finally found success in business. I look back at how poor I was, working for nothing for so long carrying these struggling business that “might” one day be worth something. And today I am wealthy in both assets and education. Not only do I have the businesses I have the skills and experience to both keep them and replicate them if needed.

I’m a success. Fuck! I really need to stay clean. I need a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps so I don’t decide it’s a good idea to get wasted again.