After the devastation of step one, that I can’t live with or without my addictions, that my only hope is a higher power. The answer to addiction is to find fulfilment in bonding and belonging with other people, but as a self-centred addicted I am not capable of this. Every time I try I fail. I always revert to my self-centered ways. It’s not even because I am a bad person, it’s just my mind tells me it’s the only way I can be happy. No matter how many times I try and teach my mind that I need connection, bonding, and belonging, I can never do it for long on my own power.
My mind is not even capable of understanding that I need love and connection to be truly happy. In nearly every situation fear makes me choose the selfish option. This lack of ability to see reason is insane. I need the way I perceive the world around me and my place in it radically changed. Even as I write this I don’t see how it can work. I want it because I can see it in others but I can’t fathom how I can get my needs met by letting go and being of service to others instead of pursuing my own selfish needs. I feel as beaten by this as I was by step 1. The only thing I can think of is a higher power can do it for me, can change me, but my heart does not believe, only suspects. Maybe that is the coming to believe.
Red Pill Recovery 