I finish work for the day and check the letterbox as I leave. There is a letter from Poland addressed to a fake name. I had given up on this one ever making it to Australia as I had purchased it over 3 months ago. Damn, it’s 2CB one of my favourite psychedelics that is really hard to get in Australia. I get that tingly feeling. Why couldn’t I have got this before I got clean, never mind. I know someone that will like it so I will give it to them.
I get home and put it in the draw with the LSD and MDMA I still have. Quite the party I have there, I think. I’ve been planning to give them away, but they just stay in the drawer. I better ring my sponsor. He tells me I need to get rid of it. I agree. But I can’t throw it out, it’s so good and so rare. I pack it all up in a little purse and give it to my wife. “Hold on to these for me.”
Out of site out of mind, I don’t give them much of a thought until a week later. The obsession hits hard. I have super high quality LSD, MDMA and 2CB. I then remember I have a great bit plastic container full of cannabis crystals, basically pure blonde hash, and more than I can smoke in a week. No, I’m clean! I go to bed, but the obsession has me now. I take a Valium and get to sleep. I will deal with this tomorrow.
I wake up and don’t want to take the drugs, but I know the obsession will likely come back. By the end of the day I know it’s only a matter of time before I take those drugs. I’m not ringing my sponsor. That evening I tell me wife. She starts to cry. I really didn’t think she would take it that bad.
“To be honest.” She says. “It makes me trust you less.”
I realise she doesn’t understand the disease. I realise most of NA doesn’t understand the disease. They are all starting to lose trust in me. They think that I have a choice. They say I am powerless yet hold me accountable for relapsing. At least she isn’t an addict. I can’t expect her to understand.
“Come on baby. I really didn’t think you would take it so badly. You like it when I take drugs. We have a great time.”
“Yes, I enjoy it, but then you are cold when you get clean. We are building a life together. This is not the life we have decided to build together.”
We go to sleep and I think how much I hurt her and maybe I should just throw them out. In the morning I pray and have this strong belief I am going to get clean. I consider the other vices I have been able to give up; alcohol, heroin, cigarettes, porn, and debt. I realise in each case I never had to once try not to do these.
The only exception was with heroin in about 2000 when I woke up with the obsession to use. I rang a friend (he died of an overdose 10 years later) and he came over and baby sat me for the day. I went to bed clean that night and realised I had the key to not using. The next day I woke up with the obsession to use and went and got on instead of calling him.
The way I have overcome all these destructive vices is by doing the steps on them and then I cease to want to use them. I never have to say no to heroin because the problem was taken away from me. This is just part of step 2. I know I’m going to get clean. I’m going to relapse and then continue on doing step 2 and eventually I will stop using. I will have the problem removed from me.
I go downstairs and chat to me wife. “OK baby. I will throw the drugs out if you really want.”
“No, you can use them.”
“I’m glad you said that.” I smile. “Look I know you have lost trust in me and I have had one last party about 5 times now. All I can say is that it will eventually be the last one. I am convinced. And besides we will have fun.”
“OK, but I am taking my wedding and engagement rings off until you get clean again.”
I climb on top of her on the bed and pin her down. “No you’re not. You said in sickness and in health.”
She looks at me defeated, but with a smile. She knows I am right and resists no more.
“Never take your rings off baby.”
She nods.
Red Pill Recovery 