If Only I Can Stay Clean. Thank God I Know a Way

I go to work and it’s hard to concentrate, but I have to be there as I have the falcon renovating the bathroom, another guy fixing a leak in the roof and my car booked in for some work. I do what I can and think fuck it, I will vape some of that weed. I charge the vape and prepare it with my hash, and have a couple puffs in the upstairs office. I have to hide because the falcon, who is an NA member is working and I’m embarrassed for relapsing.

I feel a bit stoned and watch TV. The falcon comes in for a break and asks me if I am going to uncles 35 year clean anniversary tomorrow night. “I can’t make it.” I say “Ricky has an appointment.” I lie. I just know I will be coming down and not want to go.

I hear someone calling from downstairs. I go down and it is a lady and her husband who want to buy my products. I’m not really open to the public, although I do take appointments for orders over $1000. She hasn’t made an appointment, but says she needs a quantity I estimate to be about $3000 so she has my attention. But they are old and don’t really know what they want nor a prepared to look at the website to decide. I get frustrated and tell them I am an online business and that’s really the only way I can show them my range. She says she understands and they leave.

I walk back upstairs and realise that I just let $3000 go. They wanted my product, but the website was giving them too many choices. I could have helped them chose if I had been more on the ball – if I hadn’t been stoned. A good lesson I thought, the using drugs life is not for me. I can be such a better version of myself clean.

Finally by 2pm everyone is finished and I can go home to start my party. I weight up a heap of packets of 2CB and MDMA. I inject 80mg of MDMA in my but muscle and wait for the party. As I walk along the beach high I think about my life of when I will be clean. As much as I enjoy it I realise that it’s not worth the comedown I am going to have over the next week. And it’s certainly not worth the pain I cause my wife. I know I am insane and I know there is a cure for my insanity. I truly believe I am in step 2. I am working step 2. I take Lucy, another half dozen MDMA shots and plenty of 2CB and have a great night.

I wake up the next morning at about 9am and the weather looks nice. I still have drugs left and feel pretty good so more molly and 2CB and a walk along the ocean. I head into work to see the falcon and do my emails. I confess to the falcon I relapsed and he just laughs at me. I hang out with him for a bit. My mum calls and I chat to her for a while. I like my mum much more when I am on 2CB and MDMA.

Charlie is ready to go and asks again if I want to come tonight. I realise I have plenty of drugs to get me there and back and even though I am not clean it just feels like the right thing to do. I ask Charlie if he thinks I should even though I am not clean. He says yes. I ring uncle and tell him I relapsed, but I would like to come to his birthday. He says that’s fine.

I spend the afternoon with Ricky just resting and then we head to Nambour for dinner with members before the meeting. I inject heaps more MDMA and even stop on the way for another shot in my but, the muscle is getting a bit sore from so many jabs. Dinner is good (not that I ate much) and I realise how much love I am missing. I realise how they all like me, but don’t trust me because I keep relapsing. Never the less they are nice to me.

The meeting is really powerful. All these men I have known for fifteen plus years got up to share about uncle and the love they have for him. 2 of them even started crying. I had never seen either of them cry before. There I was high on MDMA feeling the MDMA love, but realising I was missing out on the true love that is available from this group of friends if only I can stay clean. Thank God I know a way.