The next day I run out of MDMA, but still have 2CB left so drop a few 20mg of that throughout the day and vape plenty of my hash. I take Ricky out for lunch and we walk along the beach. I think to myself how much I love being high. I’ve had a great three days, but I know it won’t last, tomorrow I will come down hard from the couple grams of MDMA I ended up injecting in my arse.
I’m right, the next day I am smashed. I can hardly get out of bed, but I’ve still got plenty of hash left so I vape and sleep and feel sorry for myself. How did I get in this situation again? I know it will pass. My girls are coming to stay with me tomorrow on Saturday so I need to be sort of straight for them.
Saturday morning comes and I get up and try and do yoga and meditation. I clean up all the drugs and paraphernalia before the kids arrive. I think I should throw the rest of my drugs away, I’ve still got some acid, 2CB and hash. The plan I made with Ricky when I was high was we would throw them into the ocean, she liked the idea of the fish eating them and getting high. I took the purse of what was left down to her and said. “I think we should just throw these down the toilet.” She looked at me disapprovingly.
“You don’t really care if we feed them to the fish do you? I just want to get rid of them.”
“I’ll hold them.” She said. I didn’t argue.
We went and got the kids from the train station and had a nice weekend with them. I was still pretty tired, but I was able to spend a bit of time with them and give them a nice relaxing weekend. They didn’t really want to do anything so that suited me. We just all stayed home and enjoyed each other’s company – even if we were all on screens most the time.
I took them home Sunday afternoon and Monday morning got back to my routine of my morning program. I better get back to finishing the second step, I thought. I only had a few questions to go. I did those and every answer seemed to end with; I need a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps. I was convinced more than ever. I needed steps 4-9. These steps had worked for me so many times for so many issues in the past and it was time again. I had a good day and went to a meeting that night. I chaired and felt part of. I realised what a wonderful network I had in front of me – if I can just stop relapsing.
Tuesday I rang my sponsor. He said I should do 90 meetings in 90 days. I didn’t argue. He then went on to say “The only way I know how to stay clean is 90 meetings in 90 days.” I was disappointed. I wanted to tell him that I was going to have a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps and that’s what would keep me clean, but I lacked the confidence. I didn’t want to be the sponsee in denial arguing with his sponsor about the program – exactly what I was doing.
I didn’t do a meeting that evening despite my sponsors advice and instead took my wife out for dinner. We went home and watched TV and had a nice night together. I was glad I had chosen her instead of NA. I had already done 90 meetings in 90 days back in May last year when I got clean. I wasn’t going to make that excuse to her again of why I can’t spend time with her. And besides I truly didn’t believe I needed to. The steps was what I had to do. If I dedicated myself to the steps then my 3-4 meetings a week was plenty.
Wednesday I had a full day q-ride course. I didn’t even have a motor bike, but I got a letter to say they were changing the laws and if I didn’t do it by the end of March I would have to do additional courses to get my license, so I booked it in. I got up early so I could do my morning program. I decided instead of doing all the questions for step 3 out of the working guide I would do step 3 from the AA big book and then jump straight into the fourth step.
I started to read as the sun was coming up through the clouds making the sky pink and beautiful. The ocean was shimmering and I thought this is a little auspicious. I read from page 60.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
I knew I couldn’t manage my life as far as drugs were concerned. I was going to use psychedelics again whether I wanted to or not. If it wasn’t for these steps in front of me there was no chance of staying clean.
(b) That probably no human power could have re-lieved our alcoholism.
As I read this I burst into tears. My sponsor couldn’t keep me clean. My wife couldn’t keep my clean. I can’t keep myself clean. No one can keep me clean. I am powerless, broken and without help unless I find a power that can keep me clean. And I knew what that power was.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought. Being convinced, WE WERE AT STEP THREE.
I was convinced. I knew at the deepest levels of my soul that God was my only chance. I looked out at the beautiful sunrise. God was there. Even if I didn’t believe in Him, He was going to be able to help me all the same. The light from behind the clouds was going to be able to guide me. And it would be 100% effective in keeping me clean if I continued with the rest of the steps.
I continued to read…
Our actor is self-centered–ego-c entric …. Selfishness–self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity
First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director…. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed …..
I broke down in tears again. This was me. I could see it more clearly than I had since I decided to get clean again in Nov 2019. I was running the show. Even when I was doing a good job I was still the boss. I was self-employed when I could be God employed. I looked up into the sunlit clouds and realised there was a God there that wanted me to work for Him. He had a job a good job for me and was going to pay me well. I looked around at my surroundings. I had already been paid well. I had everything a man could want – except the ability not to use drugs. If I wanted God would take my will and my life. I was ready. I read on.
Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. We were now at Step Three.
I wanted it. I read the prayer through tears and like I had never meant anything so solemn in my life.
“God, I offer myself to Thee–to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!”
I had 10 minutes left before I had to leave so I thought I would get started on step 4 and write out the names of my resentments. It flowed and within a few minutes I had named all the hate that had been building up inside me. No wonder I couldn’t stop using, I thought. All these justified resentments and hate.
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