The next morning, Thursday, I woke up early, did my morning stretching, meditation and journaling, and a bit more of my 4th step. The sunrise was beautiful so I thought I would go for a walk. With my headphones on I walked down the hill to Margate beach and bounced along the boardwalk. At 5 days clean I felt pretty good. I also felt different. I had the least desire to use drugs I could remember. The program was really working. It was a simple cause and effect. You follow the instructions in the AA big book and the alcohol (or drugs) problem is removed.
I thought about the left over drugs we were meant to feed to the fish. There was 250 mics of very nice acid, a big bag of 2CB and still plenty of hash. I considered what a delicious combination that would be. And then I considered my attachment to it was very little. I could quite happily throw them out. This was a weird feeling as even though I had been clean for the most part of the last 18 months I had always kept a stash of psychedelics, for Ricky or friends that weren’t addicts. I justified it like I did keeping alcohol for visitors.
And now I was fully prepared to throw them away. I continued to walk with a spring in my step and a hope and faith for the future now that I had found the steps again. I remembered how the heroin problem had been taken away in 2000 after a year of relapsing. I remembered how I was now only clean from heroin for over 20 years because I hadn’t had the obsession to use it. This is really going to work this time, I thought. I have found the answer.
And then I became a little sad. I looked over the ocean, the glimmering ripples and pink background of the sunrise. And realised that I won’t get to use drugs again. The obsession to use is my excuse. I can abandon reason and fill myself with the love of psychedelics. I remembered giving up cigarettes not long after giving up heroin. I decided since God had removed the heroin problem from me I would let him have the cigarettes one too. I decided to pray before bed and asked God to help me give up smoking. I sat cross legged in my bedroom and started to pray. As I started I was hit with an overwhelming sense of. Oh Shit! This is going to work. I should at least have my last smoke. I had my last smoke and it tasted terrible. I then did my prayer and haven’t smoked for over 20 years.
A wonderful idea came to me. Now I know that this is going to work, do I use the rest of my drugs. Is it a coincidence that I have the perfect amount left for a party? And that I was willing to flush it all and Ricky stopped me? I got a jolt of adrenaline surge through me. Oh-oh, we are on the edge here, I thought to myself. I considered the possibility of taking them or throwing them away. Both felt pretty good. I knew if I threw them away it would be such a relief, like having a lover for three days and then leaving town and thinking thank God I am on my own again.
I considered Ricky. She would be a bit pissed, but as always forgive me, but I didn’t want to make her that sad again. I also trusted her intuition. I would speak to her as soon as I got home.
“Baby. I want to use the rest of the drugs.”
She looked at me with mild disappointment, but not surprise.
“I know you don’t trust me anymore about getting clean so I am not going to make any promises, but you can look in my eyes and believe that I am 100% confident that I will get clean. I know how to and I know what to do. I just don’t know when. I would like this to be the last time, but I’m not making any promises.
To be honest I am not that attached to using those drugs. I think I would feel a big relief if we went and threw them out. I also believe in your intuition. If you think it’s a really bad idea and something bad might happen then let’s go and throw them out, but if you don’t get that sense of dread, I want to take them.
At 5 days clean I don’t feel like I will set myself back much, but I need to make the decision this morning, we go and throw them out on our way to work or I take them in the next couple days.”
She looked at me with a smile. “You can take them baby.” She said.
“Thanks baby.” I said as I reached over and gave her a kiss. “Come on let’s go to work.”
Red Pill Recovery 