Work was just a normal day. The obsession to use wasn’t so strong that I wasn’t able to stay present. I didn’t for a minute think that I was cured and could now use manageably because of my new found relationship with God, although I wouldn’t put it past the disease to come up with something like that, and I am sure many other people have such an insane idea after having a taste of the spiritual awakening from doing step 3 like I had.
This calm was typical of all my other relapses where the obsession hadn’t quite been woken up yet, or more likely the beast was awake, but just enjoying his morning coffee and content to wait for now. We finished at about 3 and Ricky said to me. “Are you going to the meeting tonight?”
“No. I’m vaping weed and watching TV with you.” I replied. She nodded without any real surprise. I was looking forward to just having a chill night at home and getting baked. I figured this could be my last chance if the steps work as they promised and I expected them to.
The evening was nice enough, but a bit of an anti-climax. if I am honest it was a bit boring. I didn’t feel any guilt, I didn’t feel any paranoia, I didn’t vape too much, there was no obsession or desire to vape more. It was as manageable as I could have been. I didn’t have to exert any will power or discipline and yet as I lay my head on the pillow, my body feeling so relaxed and heavy, I had to admit that a clean evening, either hanging out with my wife or going to a meeting was just as good if not better.
I slept like a comatose log for almost 8 hours and woke in a good mood. Today is psychedelic day, I remembered with excitement. I started my day as usual; clean teeth, drink water, read news, stretch, meditation, and journal. I looked at my day ahead and didn’t want to do it. The beast had awoken. I just wanted to get wasted. I had 250 mics of acid and a bag full of 2CB that was calling me like a demon. I had a contractor booked to help me pack orders and a truck booked to load them on. There was nothing actually urgent except a local delivery I could do myself. I cancelled the contractor and the truck and headed into the warehouse to do my local delivery.
I was finished by 7.30am and dropped the acid. My expectations weren’t that high. I kept recalling my last cigarette and considered this trip might be like that. I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be horrible. I was well past the chance of a “bad trip”, but I thought it might be a bit meh, like my last cigarette. I hung out with Ricky for a couple hours as it took effect, ripping her clothes off and savaging her like a drug crazed monster.
I left the house on my first adventure about 9.30am. 20 minutes into the walk I started thinking about my mum. She is so selfish and emotionally immature and she is only getting worse. She is like a 2-year-old saying everyone look at me. But she is my mum, she is not changing and that’s what makes her happy. I felt some real compassion for her. This is an odd feeling. I had done 60K words of the first 25 years of my life in a 4th step personal story last year and a lot of the early years were about her. Or at least my resentment and disappointment at her. It felt like all that was forgiven. She was what she was and did her best. I didn’t like her much, but I forgave her and even had some compassion for her. I wanted her to have a peaceful and enjoyable winter of her life as she went into her 80’s and 90’s.
The tears started to flow. I couldn’t believe I was forgiving my mum. Really forgiving her, not just telling myself that she did her best, but actually believing it. I asked myself had this happened before. It felt odd that on the 100 or so trips I had had over the last few years this was the first time that I had felt forgiveness for my mum. As far as I could remember it was. I remembered one trip where I recognised that I had a resentment on my mum and that if I didn’t make an effort to hand it over to God it could cause me to drink, but that is a long way from real forgiveness.
I sat on the seat overlooking my psychedelic ocean and let the tears flow. My mum that had looked after me when I was a kid, my mum that I loved so much, my mum that I would turn to whenever I needed help, and then the realisation that she hadn’t done a very good job and the pain that awakening caused me. And then to come full circle and accept all that, see the good and the bad, love her and forgive her for both. This was unexpected. The power of LSD. I knew without a doubt that I couldn’t use this psychological and spiritual medicine in the future. But I was grateful that on my last dance that Lucy had showed me this. Forgiving my mum was a big thing.
I recovered my composure and continued to walk toward the Woody Point pier. At about the 3 hour mark most of the confusion of the come up had left and I was loving the acid. My body felt good and everything looked amazing. It was the perfect dose and I was just so happy that I was having such a good time considering my low expectations. The weather was awesome too, with the sun out and a perfect cool breeze.
Red Pill Recovery 