I Wanted To Be Completely Ok With Being The Centre Of The Universe.

I made it home and hung out with Ricky for a while, had a bite to eat, packed my vape, dropped 20mg of 2CB, and headed out on my next mission. An hour later the colours took on a hue that always reminded me of jube lollies. It had been a while since I had this combination and it is like a distinct drug all on it’s own. The discovery of this combination, LSD and then 2CB about 3-6 hours later, was a highlight of my psychedelic adventures. I loved it and was so happy that I had got to experience it one last time. I didn’t really have the expectation that I would get to proper wonderland where everything looked edible and was completely outer worldly and by far the best high in the world. I thought I had probably burnt my receptors out and that sort of peak experience wasn’t available for ever. All drugs cease to be as much fun as the first times. But this was pretty good and it dawned on me I still had a few hours to go, plus more at home, so really the journey had only started

I continued to walk and considered my new job starting on Monday. I had a new employer. I had had the orientation day the day when I read the 3^rd step prayer as the sun was coming up, the tears flowed, then I wrote out all my resentments, and had a day that was by no means perfect, in fact quite challenging, but I was able to handle it with a calm and outcome independence that I hadn’t experienced for a long time. I really felt like an employee and God was in charge of my life. I was on a need to know basis only and I just needed to keep doing the next right thing.

It opened a window of what I could expect if I was to continue the instructions in this magical book. It really was magical. I imagined the Dark Crystal and the kid in the attic. I had found, or re-found my own magical book. The light blue book that had given millions a spiritual awakening. The book was really like a doorway into a fourth dimension. If I did the instructions in the book I was going to walk through that door way. I was going to write out all my resentments and fears, look at their causes and where I was at fault using the 4 columns. I was going to expose this ugly truth to the light of day and it was going to evaporate in the sun. The resentments and fears were going to fade from my soul and leave some space for God’s love to enter.

I imagined myself in a hallway built of the steps 4-9 that I was walking through. I was then going to look at my defects. I would write a paragraph on each to be sure. Then with the fresh love of God that had replaced just enough hate and fear I was going to humble myself again to God and ask for my defects and shortcomings to be removed so I could be of more use to my family, friends and community.

And then almost at the archway of this 4^th dimension, I could see the light so bright, blinding white like heaven, I was going to atone for my sins. I was going to apologise to all the people close to me that I had robbed of my time and affection because I chose drugs instead of their love. I was going to admit to them verbally that which I had been trying to deny to myself for a long time. With the final crumbling of my ego falling from my back as I walked out the final doorway into the 4^th dimension I was going to have the drug problem removed. Never again would I have the “will I, won’t I” dilemma. It will never get that far. The problem will be removed as long as I continue to stay connected to the source and help others achieve the same.

Damn I’m high, as I realised the irony of disassociating from the world into my own thoughts, likely the source of addiction. Just because it’s ironic doesn’t mean it’s not true. I was as committed to recovery as I had ever been. I could see a path in front of me. The path my new employer had laid out for me on the job I start in a few days.

I had been walking for an hour and a half and hade made it to Scarborough all the way from Margate so figured I should turn around and head home. Despite having walked so much my body felt great and I found myself bouncing along to the house music in my headphones. My body really felt great, the colours changed again and Wow! Here I am in wonderland. Everything around me looked edible and the world looked perfect. I really didn’t think I would get this sort of peak. It’s such an illusive state, so hard to manufacture, yet here I am at 3 in the afternoon, having started my adventure at 7 this morning. I made it to wonderland. I know it won’t last for long and even my second dose of 2CB waiting for me at home won’t bring it back, but I am here. For now I am in a peak psychedelic state.

As I walked I imagined I was making a walk of great significance and ceremony, like I was famous and walking the runway for some special event where everyone was celebrating me, except it was even better because there was no one around. I was the centre of the universe all on my own. I was completely isolated from the world in perfection. This was narcissist. This was Narcissist looking into the pond, this was the one week old baby truly believing they are the centre of the universe. This was a 45 year old man choosing drugs to get to a state of peace with the world all on his own instead of bonding with his loved ones. This is the heroin addict on the nod without a care in the world for anyone or anything.

I realised where psychedelics had taken me. Sure I had some benefits, I still can’t believe I forgave my mum, but the motivation was the same as heroin. I just wanted to be at peace all on my own without reality getting in the way. I wanted to be the centre of the universe. More importantly I wanted to be completely ok with being the centre of the universe.