I came home, watched TV, vaped weed and slept like a baby. In the morning we had to drive to Gympie to look after my son while his mum was away. I was in a good mood and my head was quiet. I was more committed to starting work for my new employer on Monday than ever. I had as much faith in the AA big book and the steps as I had ever had. So much so it seemed that I didn’t even think about it much. It was like I was in auto-pilot. It was a similar auto-pilot as when I use drugs and just use them out of habit without considering the consequences. But now I was on clean auto-pilot.
I had experienced this before in my early days of getting clean. I would walk through an area of Melbourne that had street dealers and would get the desire to use. I could feel the warmth of the heroin only a shot away. Then I would find myself walking in the opposite direction away from the dealer to wherever I was originally going. It felt very similar to the power that used to guide me towards the dealers. My head would say, you shouldn’t use, there are reasons why, but my feet would be carrying me towards the drug and then I would say to myself, oh well, it’s too late now anyway and get on. Somehow I had found a power that didn’t necessarily give me the strength to say no, but just diverted my course so I don’t have to say no. Without effort I was walking away from the dealer wondering why.
This morning I didn’t really feel any different apart from being a little more relaxed and giving up the idea of trying not to use. I had surrendered. Getting packed I came across all the drugs I had left over; the delicious weed resin and the 2CB. They were on the bench next to the bin. I pressed the foot peddle of the bin opening the top and scooped the drugs into it. I felt a bit sad that I had wasted such good drugs, but it felt like the right thing to do. I made no effort to do it. I didn’t really like throwing away my drugs and certainly didn’t get any relief, but I also didn’t do it because I was giving up. I had given up giving up and handed that problem over to God. Throwing out the drugs just sort of seemed like the right thing to do, there was almost zero thought process around it. I just opened the lid and swept the drugs into the bin before I had really thought about.
This was a bit weird because I had actually given myself permission to get wasted on that day – Saturday, and even left the door open for Sunday, even though I thought it best I didn’t before I started my new job on Monday working for God. We packed and left and made it on time well before my Tommy’s carer finished. My focus there is looking after him, but I had plenty of time to relax as well. I decided I would wait until next week to finish my step 4, but that I would do my 3rd step prayer with Tommy. I didn’t think he would understand, more because he is only 16 than because he is disabled, but it was not really for his benefit. It was for me to have a witness in my commitment to handing over my will and my life to God.
I awoke early on the Sunday morning and went into his room. He was awake and happy to see me. I opened his blinds, cleaned his face with a damp towel, repositioned him, and turned on the his TV to play music videos. I told him I wanted to read a prayer to him, but didn’t really give any other explanation. He looked at me with a mocking smile, I’ve hardly given him a religious education, in fact the only time he has heard me talk of God is when I make very inappropriate jokes. I opened the Big Book on my ipad and found the prayer. Leaning on the bed next to him I read. God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.
It felt a little awkward, but I meant it. I thanked him for listening to me and said I would leave him alone now to go back to his music videos. He smiled thankfully. I enjoyed the rest of the weekend, but allowed myself to relax and not really think too much about recovery. Monday morning I woke up with the commitment to my new employer 100%. There wasn’t any apprehension or doubt, yet there wasn’t any great relief. It was just the way things were. Tommy’s carer arrived at 7.00am so we packed up and headed back to Redcliffe. I rang my sponsor on the way as I was going to drop by and do the 3rd step prayer with him too. He was busy so I just continued back to the peninsula.
I wasn’t going to hold off doing the rest of the steps until I had done the 3rd step prayer with him and figured I had already done it with 2 people so I was good to continue on my own. In fact the book said. “It was better to meet God alone than with one who might misunderstand.” My sponsor was hard core NA and I don’t know if he had ever read the AA book. His teachings to me of the steps were very “NA way” which I find has deviated from the original text of AA from where it came. Evolution is natural in all religions, theories, rituals, or whatever category the 12 steps fit into so I don’t have any ill will towards NA’s evolution from AA. It seems to work for the vast majority of people who really put their effort into it.
But it didn’t work for me. This was the second time I had tried the NA way and failed. I had done everything my sponsor told me, answered the step working guide questions to the best of my ability, and still went insane in the area of deciding that taking drugs again would be ok. I didn’t trust my sponsor enough to tell him his sponsorship method didn’t work for me. The guy that had 35 years clean and had sponsored countless people that also had long-term recovery. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him that he loved me. It was that I didn’t trust his beliefs would be open to negotiation.
I chose him as my sponsor in 2016 well before I relapsed because of this strong frame. He had conviction in his beliefs. He was a strong man and didn’t take shit from anyone. I was in a stage of my life where I was single and needed to toughen up around being manipulated by any young woman that would dangle their pussy in front of me. I wanted to be a strong independent man that could take or leave a relationship. I also wanted to be a strong independent man that was attractive to women because of this strength so I could fuck more of them – lots more of them. And I saw his mentorship as a piece of that puzzle.
Then I relapsed at the end of 2017 and after 6 months of distance we caught up again and he agreed to sponsor me even though I was still taking psychedelics with no plans on stopping. I was still sober from alcohol and heroin etc. and still going to AA and even doing a 10th step at times. His strong frame and conviction in his beliefs was why he wasn’t triggered by my mostly manageable use of cannabis and psychedelics. He thought he could help me. And then 18 months later when I wanted to get clean it just made sense to stay with him and do what he said.
But now I had to take responsibility for myself. I had to work the steps the way I believed they would work for me. The way they had worked for me in the past. I wanted to tell him that I was taking myself through the steps as instructed by the AA big book, but I didn’t know how and was scared of his reaction. Him not being available for me to pop in and do my 3rd step prayer gave me an excuse to keep it from him for a bit longer.
Red Pill Recovery 