Over the next few days I finished my step 4. I listed all my resentments and all my fears and then went down the columns looking at the instincts they affected and the defects they caused. I looked at the instructions on the sex inventory and decided to post-pone it. It was a deep crevice, likely deeper than my drug addiction, and if I was to look at it I feared it would never end. It said. “We reviewed our conduct over the years past.” I had fucked hundreds of girls in the last few years. I had been a selfish, self-centred seducer and hurt them all in one way or another. Then I decided to hang up my boots, found a girl I believed I could fall in love with and committed to her. I’ve cut communication with any other women, let alone the risk of sleeping with any of them and rarely watch porn or any other behaviours that I wouldn’t happily disclose to the world.
I don’t kid myself that the sex problem has gone. I’m sure it will raise it’s ugly, yet delicious, head in my future, but for now without effort it is well and truly at bay. Not to mention that I have been in SLAA a couple times over the last 20 years and done a lot of work. I wanted a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps by the end of next week or I didn’t think I was going to stay clean. The sex inventory was going to have to wait.
I did the 5th with my wife which was uncomfortable and she didn’t receive it that well. I suppose it is weird for someone like her unaccustomed to the steps to have someone like me so blatantly and unashamedly admit the worst parts of their nature with little emotion or remorse. Through the steps I had been admitting my darker side my whole adult life. I had acknowledged accepted far worse than this. It was interesting for me to sit with the un-comfortability of my wife not accepting my defects. Why the fuck should she, she’s 23, never done that sort of self-evaluation and doesn’t accept her own defects.
I got a little flustered, but stayed calm. For a while I thought I might have done the wrong thing, but after half an hour of quasi arguing, a peace came over me and I remembered this was God’s plan. I was going through a humbling process to remove my ego enough to have a spiritual awakening. This must have been what I needed. 20 minutes later we were best friends again and importantly I had completed the 5th step and was ready for 6 and 7.
I did freestyle it a bit here and identified the dozen or so defects that had come up in my 4th step and wrote a paragraph or 2 on each of them.
Step 6
Selfish
I am the centre of the universe, like a baby. I don’t produce the brain activity to consider things from others point of view. It’s all about me and how I perceive I look. Everything I see I relate it back to me, how it affects me, how it relates to me.
I try and do the right thing by other people because I know right from wrong and can relate to my own needs and feelings of being wronged, but the lens I look through is very narrow.
I hide within the self so I don’t have to connect with others because they are not as predictable or as easily controlled as my own wants and needs. It’s so tiring for me to consider others and perhaps I am afraid of losing myself.
Unforgiving
My selfishness wants to hold on to the reasons to keep me separated from others. By not forgiving I can feel better than. I can hold the moral high ground without having to do anything or take any risks.
Ungrateful
It is easier to look at peoples faults and keep this moral high ground rather than to consider how much they actually do for me. It stops me from receiving love because I am not recognising how much people are being loving to me. I see everything from the perspective of my own selfishness and transfer that on to others so I overlook their altruistic motives. It’s safer for me to think, What’s in it for them? Rather than humbling myself to the fact they are trying to love because they are good and want to love.
Opinionated
I feel safer in a rigid set of beliefs that fit with in my own paradigm of the world and help me understand and feel I have more control.
Self-pity
It’s a soothing feeling that takes away all my responsibility from the problems I may have.
Righteousness
Like opinionated it gives me a sense of understanding and control in a confusing world. But it also adds a level of moral superiority.
Unaccepting
I don’t have to like something to accept it. But when I don’t accept things, when I am disgusted, it goes from dislike to hate which disconnects me from God. I can dislike something with love.
Dishonest
I have cleaned up my past and now have nothing to hide with women, business dealings, or drugs. But I still have fear about saying the wrong thing and hurting people or being honest with the wrong motives so hold back the truth. This is probably the correct use of dishonesty.
There is the self-dishonesty of denial, but that is the nature of denial. It would be dishonest of me to pretend I believe something that others believe. In some respects it has taken me a so many relapses to get clean because I have been trying to do the steps the way my sponsor wanted me too. I don’t regret it because I believe it was Gods will that I explore step 1 and 2 by relapsing like I did, but it was my own fear and lack of conviction in my experience that led me to follow his advice rather than my own.
It was also open minded and it could have worked out better. I could have been wrong and he could have been right, so it was worth taking a risk to test my denial. And here I sit, clean, healthy, loved and rich, with the world at my feet if I can only stay clean, and the conviction that I now know exactly what I need to do to stop using drugs.
Fearful
Very similar to dishonesty. I avoid things I am fearful of because I think I will get myself into more trouble if I act. I don’t think I let fear hold me back from action, but I do let it hold me back from communication. It is a lack of confidence in my communication skills – which is probably an accurate assessment of my communication ability.
lack of communication
This is a lack of ability more than a defect. I probably need to know and trust myself better so I can be more sure in myself and better able to communicate.
self-destructive
Taking drugs is self-destructive. It destroys the thing I want most in this life – love. Not loving the people close to me to my full capacity robs me as well as them.
Intolerance
I am so critical and have such high expectations, yet I fall short in many areas too. I get a sense of rightness (and power) when I identify people don’t meet the expectations I am able to achieve for myself, however I overlook that they can achieve other things I can’t like compassion, sharing, empathy, and love.
Lazy
I’m not really lazy. I only procrastinate when I think it’s the right thing to do.
Irresponsible
Taking drugs is irresponsible. Doing anything that reduces my ability to give and receive love is very irresponsible.
Red Pill Recovery 