Then I read instructions in the big book, said the 7th step prayer and considered step 7 done. For step 8 I wrote down the people I believed I had harmed specifically from my drug use. I wanted to keep this specific. I wanted to stop using psychedelics. I’ve lived the life of a self-centered, self-seeking addict, and by far the majority of that life clean. The harms I had caused my ex could take up pages. I didn’t want to get stuck in the quagmire of my seemingly endless harms. I wanted a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps that would bring about a personality change sufficient for me to stay sane around not using psychedelics again. I needed to keep my amends specific to that topic.
When I first relapsed at the end of 2017 I had taken a friend into my house who was in early recovery. I didn’t consider his welfare at all when I relapsed. I was ambivalent to his recovery. I was also sponsoring someone else who was also a very close friend. Relapsing is not a very good sponsorly thing to do. I wrote them on the list and made a note to apologize for that specific harm.
I had to write my Ex on the list, my kids mum. The list could go on forever of harms, but dredging up the past was going to harm her as well as not being overly useful to me. I wasn’t doing any of those harms anymore and I really didn’t feel bad about them anyway. But I did feel bad about not being available for the kids due to my drug use. That was something I could apologise for.
Another ex was on the list because I could see how shattered she was when I got married. I always expected us to eventually get together long-term, but I got sick of waiting and gave up on her. I decided the best thing I could do was to never speak to her again and just leave her alone. I would be polite and say hi if I saw her, but I made a commitment to never again engage. We could never be friends. It was also the right thing to do with regards to my new wife.
My sponsor was on the list and my wife and kids. I went and apologised to Ricky and said sorry I keep using drugs instead of our love. She had heard it before so was a little dismissive, but receptive enough. I rang my sponsor and said the same thing. “I’m sorry I keep using drugs and pushing away the love you keep offering me.” He then proceeded to give me a lecture and said I had to do 90 meetings in 90 days. I could sense his frustration which was rare. I wasn’t doing 90 meetings in 90 days. A, I didn’t need to, and B, I wasn’t going to do it to Ricky. She wanted me home a few nights a week. But I wasn’t up for an argument with him. I took my lecture like a man, or more like a bitch, and just let him rant. I felt like I deserved it. I had said my piece and the results were up to God. I didn’t tell him I was taking myself through the steps via the AA book. I thought it would only make him talk at me longer.
I rang my ex and said. “I’m doing a step 9. There is a lot I could apologize for, but I want to keep this focussed on my drug use. I’m sorry that I used drugs and made myself less available for the kids. I recognise how that would affect you too”. I got the sense that she wanted more, but I had done what I set out to do.
The next weekend my ex went away and we went and stayed with the kids. I thought about doing it with them all together, but intuition led me to doing it with each of them on their own. My son was first. “Hey Tommy. You know how I have been trying to stop using drugs for the last year or so and keep relapsing?” He looked at me to say yes and that he was saddened that I kept relapsing. “Well I just want to acknowledge that when I take drugs I am less available to you.” He gave me an acknowledging look, which hurt a little. “I’m sorry for that. And really want to stop”. He smiled and we gazed into each other’s eyes for a bit.
The girls had friends over for the weekend so their wasn’t much opportunity to do my direct amends with them, but I was able to have faith that the opportunity would present itself. I caught Harmony on her own briefly one morning so took a big deep breath and went over to her as she was laying on a mattress in the study playing on her phone.
She was never enthusiastic about me getting clean. I suspect it threatened her supply as I’m pretty sure stealing my weed was a hobby of hers. But even more so I think that she was afraid of change and thought me getting clean would make me less relaxed around my parenting and she would end up with 2 uptight parents. She had seen me trying (and failing) to stay stopped over the last 18 months and my clean spells hadn’t changed me that much so I think she was getting more used to the idea. I still don’t think she wanted me to get clean, but she didn’t like to see me try something and be a failure so she wanted me to succeed and she could see everyone else wanted me to get clean.
I sat on the step that went down into the room. She looked up me from her phone with sleepy eyes and messy hair. “Harmony. You know how I have been trying to get clean, but keep going back to it.” She gave me a 2 pronged look. One that I was an idiot for trying to stop and 2 that I was an idiot because I couldn’t.
“Well I just want to acknowledge that when I take drugs I make myself less available for you.” She gave me a quizzical look with a hint of a head shake to convey that she didn’t see it that way. But that sad truth is I am probably not very available for her whether I am clean or not clean.
“It’s fine.” She said authentically, but dismissively. I took it to mean that the conversation was over. She had heard it before. She was as bored of it as my wife. They were going to love me and support me regardless, but they were sick of putting faith in me to stay clean and change.
Now I only had Pearl, who just turned 10 left. She was such a cute baby and Daddies little girl. She smelt like a baby until she was 7. I had always adored her and babied her, but the last couple years as she was no longer a baby and developing her own identity our relationship had obviously changed and there was less mutual ground for us to communicate on – the problem with a charming Narcissist for a father. The morning we were about to leave was my chance so I called her over to sit on the couch with me. She sat in the crook of my arm like Daddies little girl. “Hey baby, you know how I want to get clean, but keep going back to drugs.” She nodded her head in acknowledgement and disappointment. She hated the smell of weed and would always complain when I vaped (Harmony would hang around like a puppy). “And you know how I am less available for you when I take drugs.” She nodded her head as she leaned into me more. I was crushed. I hoped she hadn’t noticed or would at least deny it, but she acknowledged the harm that I had done her through my drug use. The same harm that I was so critical of my own mum for – not being emotionally available. And I was taking a drug that made that worse, and she knew it. Every time I sucked on that vape I was making a decision to be in my head in the company of my thoughts at the expense of my love for this beautiful child in my arms. “Well I just want to say sorry and let you know that I really don’t want to anymore and will try and do my best not to.” She put her head on my chest and we cuddled on the couch without talking.
Red Pill Recovery 