We said our goodbyes headed back to Redcliffe. The next week was pretty good. I was on a bit of a honey moon and so grateful I had got through until the end of step 9. I read step 10 in the AA book and set up a time each evening before bed to do a 10th. I failed at this as I have the dozen other times I have tried to make step 10 an evening discipline. I just want to rest at night before bed. But when I forgot the evening 10th step I was still able to do it the following morning. I used the same columns as I had for the 4th step and just list any resentments and fears that popped up, looked at the instincts it affected, and the defects involved. I also added a 5th column for assets in case I did something good in the situation. For example, I have fear of a global financial crisis at present and this is exacerbated by all the content I read and watch on it. But I figure putting my head in the sand is not very responsible, and while the news and outlook is chilling, the more I know and understand, the more I can plan for it and deal with whatever comes. So fear is the defect, but responsibility and educating myself are the assets.
I felt in the swing of recovery. I had a higher power that I no longer need to try and understand and I had a daily program. I really felt like the promises were coming true. I don’t know if I had ever felt better in recovery. I reflected on the past weeks. I certainly did it my way. And I felt like I had succeeded. I identified the problem of step 1. Through 18 months of trial and error I was convinced that I would use psychedelics again and there was nothing I could do about it. I was completely 100% powerless in not picking up psychedelics again. No matter what I did, what tools I used, what commitments I made I was never going to manage this problem. With 100% certainty I would get high on psychedelics again.
It took me 18 months of relapse to get an understanding of my condition. I had to think for myself. I could no longer let NA or my sponsor tell me my condition. I had to experience for myself and relapse was the only way. As I sat there about to do step 3 in the AA big book, the pink sun rising over the ocean, a memorable and auspicious moment for me. I read the words:
- Probably no human power could relieve our alcoholism.
- God could and would if he were sought.
I broke down into tears at each sentence. My sponsor no matter how much clean time he had nor how much he loved me could not relieve my affliction, but God could and would if he were sought. I wanted it more than anything. God was now completely in charge and I answered to no authority other than Him. I had just got step 1 and 2 and committed to 3. To keep these I was going to have to do 4 to 9. And fast there was no time to waste. There was no naval gazing, trauma regression, psychological, in-depth analysis. This was a simple program and I was going to follow it at the bare minimum the book asked for so I could have it done within a week or 2.
Where this conviction came from to do the steps on my own and exactly how I interpreted it from the book I don’t know, but I am so glad I did. Sometimes God carries you. Step 4 was as simple as I could make it using only the AA book for instructions. I will admit I had the benefit of doing this with a sponsor and taking others through it over the years, plus the Joe and Charlies tapes.
I wanted step 5 out of the way and my wife was available so out it came. On to step 6 to review my defects and then step 7 to say good riddance – done in an hour. Step 8 I kept focussed and step 9 was the final nails in the coffin of my false pride and ego. I apologised to all those that loved me for choosing drugs over their love. Step 10 I repeated the process regularly and I was already doing 11 in my morning meditation and 12 by going to meetings. Boom – propelled into the 4th dimension.
Red Pill Recovery 