I’ve made it. My psychedelic ramblings and madness were not so mad. Like Bill Wilson high on Belladonna with his white light experience and then years later with the Oxford LSD trials. I’m not aggrandising psychedelics. My thoughts on these powerful medicines has never really waned. The irony is I’m an addict and they are too much fun. They helped show me through the doorway of the steps, but held me hostage on the wrong side.
They showed me the steps that would cure me of the obsession and compulsion to use them again. I am recovered. I hear guffaws from the audience like I just shared it at a meeting. I actually don’t have the balls to do that yet, but I believe it. I have recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body where no human power was going to stop me from using psychedelics again. I now have power.
The problem really has been removed. I have desire, respect, and even love of psychedelics – no wonder I couldn’t stop. I even know that my life wouldn’t be that bad if I used them. Oh, how heretical. To dare say that at an NA meeting. “My life wouldn’t be that bad if I used these certain drugs.” And I know from experience that for me they don’t lead to more dangerous drugs that would destroy my life.
But I would be on the wrong side of the door if I took psychedelics. Here I sit after being propelled into the fourth dimension. The promises in the AA book are truer than I ever could have imagined. I gained a freedom from alcohol and heroin so long ago I took it for granted. But I still know how it felt, just to know if I do a few simple things in my life around the 12 steps and the program that I won’t use or drink. I now have that same feeling with psychedelics. I have been restored to sanity, psychedelics are on the list of things I don’t do! And it requires no mental energy for me to stay abstinent. I recoil at the thoughts like I would a hot stove. It is nested deep in my reptilian brain – we don’t take psychedelics.
I’ve had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps. You smart arse, you did it. You ignored everyone. You had conviction in your history and experience. You believed your eyes and your heart. You are a man with conviction and sense of self. You were tested and stayed strong. That’s real pride. That’s the opposite of self-pity. I love myself and the world around me.
And here’s the kicker. The promise of. “We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away” Always alluded me. For over 20 years have I read this and thought, maybe someday. I don’t know what spiritual, biological or neurological processes have happened, but I have gone from thinking about myself 90% of the time to only 50%. This is so weird. This is fourth dimensional.
I didn’t try, it’s just come naturally. Coupled with the reduction in hate and resentment, I look for the best possible outcome rather than to win or get even. My ego is still strong and well, but it’s just less bitchy. I don’t really care if I’m right. I just want good outcomes for everyone. And not in a free love, woowoo way, just in a very practical way. Why would I want someone I don’t like or agree with to feel extra pain? I don’t even think I have more compassion or empathy. I just have less bitch.
Fear hasn’t been removed, but I can see through it. I can see and feel I am afraid, and I’m a little bit better able to sit with it so I don’t need to compensate by the defence mechanisms of anger and righteousness. I don’t need to manage my fear. God does. And the best thing is I don’t even need to think about God. It all happens naturally and maybe I will thank God when I recognise that’s what happened yesterday or last week. “We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”
Freedom from the bondage of self. I can’t emphasize enough the change in my life. The reduction in fear and resentment stopped me thinking about myself so much and then not thinking about myself so much reduced fear and resentment even more. When I look back my self-obsession was nearly always based on fear. I was afraid how I would be affected, would I lose my possessions, my comforts? Would I not keep on track to increase my possessions and comforts as I had planned? Fear of things not working out in the future like I had planned. “Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.”
When I wasn’t self-obsessing about fear it was resentment, and they were often about the same entity. I see a wave of communism taking over the western world and both fear it and resent it. I obsess with righteous indignation about the corruption and lies at the highest levels of government. How dare they? By exposing my resentments and fears in the 4th step and then going through the process to step 9 there has been radical shift within me – a psychic change no less. A percentage of hate and fear have been replaced with love (for myself, God and my fellows). This has reduced my self-centredness and self-obsession. This in turn has reduced my fears and resentments even more. I can’t begin to express the relief and value of not being obsessed with my resentments and fears.
I feel so free and all I wanted was to not have the obsession to use drugs again. I really didn’t realise the cure; removing resentments and fears, humbling myself, and allowing love (God) in would be such a gift in itself. The self-obsessed man is blind. When you can’t feel love you can’t truly miss it’s absence. This has happened to me before when I got clean from heroin. God was merely a means to an end. I just wanted to stop using smack and my sponsor said God would help. After having a spiritual awakening and stopping relapsing on heroin I can remember the thought of being so grateful for a relationship with a higher power. But I had forgotten the feeling – those in Hell really can’t comprehend Heaven.
With obsession to fear and resentment mostly gone my thoughts are free to travel the vast universe of my mind. I’m back. I’m back to the man I didn’t even know I lost. I was a lot like this at 15 years clean before I relapsed and even kept it for a couple years into my relapse. My thoughts are on things that aren’t motivated by fear and resentment. I have taken a more active role in the administration of my son’s care, dealing with his NDIS plan and managing his carers. It’s quite exciting to get involved knowing I can do really well at it and achieve a better outcome for everyone by being involved.
I’ve been studying economics for a while now and that has changed significantly too. Up until last month it was motivated by fear of loss and greed of gain. It wasn’t that enjoyable, but felt like a necessary evil to be wealthy. Now I find it fascinating, more like a game, and while fear and greed are still there they are like helpful attributes rather than tormenting masters. As I continue to learn it reminds me of my study of astronomy with black holes, gravity, star formation etc. This was such a fascinating journey (albeit I was really stoned) and I was just learning it for the sake of understanding – like a game. Economics feels similar, but likely much more useful as I can see the potential to make a lot of money out of the skills too.
Likewise my writing has taken on a new meaning. It’s less about me anymore (says he that only writes about himself). I mean the motivation is more God inspired. God gave me a gift to be able to write and an interesting enough life to be able to write about. I just feel like it’s the right thing to do and I enjoy it. I am not doing it to soothe my mood like I used to. In fact I am no longer doing much to soothe my mood. I am no longer thinking much about my mood. Oh, what freedom.
It really is a magical book. The AA Big Book, which is really only a little book. It identifies your problem, offers God as the solution, and then shows you a simple path to get there. I don’t believe in God or magic, yet here I sit with all the benefits of both. That makes it even more magical and makes me love God even more – that this will work for atheists. I have all the benefits and love of God, yet belief doesn’t seem like a pre-requisite. Oh the power.
Red Pill Recovery 