I’m at step 9 again and as usual God has presented me with all the right opportunities to see my defects and accept them so he can remove them. It’s a painful surgery, no narcotics allowed. The theme that has developed this time round in the steps is moving on from my past life. I got married at the end of last year and didn’t really know what that meant apart from having someone to clean up after me, fulfil my sexual needs, and spend intimate time with my kids because I’m not emotionally available for more than 5 minutes. But as time goes on I have come to see it as building a life together. There are joys in pair bonding that I hadn’t considered, or even been able to comprehend because I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
For this new relationship to flourish I need to move on from my past. In particular I need to move on from the fears and triggers of my past. Letting my ex control me with her anger came up. I was well aware of this one, but I could see a few extra layers of denial that needed removing and in particular the guilt I held over our past and our disabled son. That guilt holds me to her and I needed to choose integrity over guilt. I have to let go of my virtue signalling, my desire to be seen as a good dad. I had to let go of my perception, warped by guilt, of what it means to be a good dad.
The 9th step actions were easy for my ex – Help her financially (as per the law requires me) and have no emotional contact with her.
For my kids – Love them, support them, and be the best dad I can under the circumstances. That’s not entirely easy or straight forward while they live with their mum, but things will change over time. My 13 year old is living with me now so I have the opportunity to: give her a teenager experience that I only dreamed of while enabling her to learn what she needs to live a very successful life.
My mum came up in my 8th with all the old stuff from childhood. I was mean and manipulated her when I was a kid. I caused her great worry. I emotionally blackmailed her. I cut her off and don’t talk to her. I am never honest. I don’t live up to her standards. I never accepted her husband and used to pit her against him. I caused her embarrassment from my behaviour in school.
And her husband, my step dad since I was 6. I never accepted him. I made life very hard for him. I keep him at a distance. I ignore him mostly. I refuse to love him.
The great thing about step 8 and 9 is that they are 2 steps and you get to have a break in between. Yes, I harmed them, that was an objective truth, but what amends was appropriate, if at all, was subjective and entirely up to me and my higher power. For years I have tried to be patient and tolerant with my parents, who I just don’t like. My kids don’t like them and my new wife Ricky is just astounded at how selfish they are.
When I got to step 9 for them I read over the harms I had caused them again. Given the circumstances these were my best options at the time. I was a kid and they had all the power. By the time I was an adult and continued to manipulate them that was just the patterns that had developed in our relationship. I didn’t know any better nor was I capable of any better.
I had more than made amends for my alcohol and heroin days over 2 decades ago. I looked at the list of harms again. There was no amends to make. It was time to forgive myself and move on. I had written myself down in the 8th step this time. Here are the ones that I am willing to publish publicly:
Taking drugs and destroying myself as a kid.
Not taking care of my body when I was younger.
Letting mum control me. Not running away sooner.
Putting myself in danger with the law for little reward.
Continuing to be afraid of my mum and my kids mum
Letting mum leverage money over me.
Letting my ex leverage the kids over me.
Letting my ex control me.
Worrying about money so much.
Spending too much.
Not being tighter in my spending plan. Not being involved in DA enough.
Not writing enough fiction.
Not being involved in AA enough.
Not prioritizing Ricky in all things.
Some of these were recurring and may continue to be forever. I had done well enough for now with the ex, but my mum and especially how that ties to my financial insecurity was still unresolved. I put up with them in part because I wanted their inheritance and I also had a business dealing with them that I got family rates for.
As I sat looking at the harms I had done myself I was hit by a humbling and terrifying realisation. I needed to be fully self-supporting. Not just in practice, but emotionally. I wanted what my parents had and saw it as a short cut to working and building it for myself. I was nice to them because I coveted their assets, it hurts to write. I want to be a man. An independent man. A successful man. Every principle I have squirms at this behaviour and mind set. And what’s more I am powerless over it.
Red Pill Recovery 