There are tools in DA that involve working with others that I don’t use. I feel I am missing out on these, in particular the pressure relief groups and business meetings where you meet with the other members and go over your numbers (income, expenses, outstanding debt) and help each other with a plan moving forward.
I can see the wisdom in this and have looked forward to being involved, but never committed enough to a group. Maybe in the future. Yes, sometimes change is best slowly. Sometimes not. I am in a position where I think slow is appropriate. There is a sub-culture of NA that I used to hear say a step a year is a good pace. I was shocked by the stupidity of this as I knew I would never get to step 2 on this regime. I had to have a spiritual awakening as a result of all 12 steps or I wasn’t going to stay clean for more than a couple months. But, others were able to stay clean. My friend took the step a year method and is now over 20 years clean and has a successful life.
I am in more of that position in DA. I am free of debt and never been more financially secure. I am in the least danger of going bankrupt I have ever been. Like alcohol, I am recovered, but not cured. My disease around debt manifests in starting a business, investing too much and risking losing everything. I need to keep ever vigilant of my spiritual and emotional condition to avoid that happening again, but in terms of some of the “emotional recovery”, I can afford to go easy on myself with how I progress to achieve this.
That’s all bullshit. I’m just afraid and don’t trust. Fuck the thought of getting together with a group of people I don’t really connect with and sharing the intimate details of my finances. That’s also not very manly. A man’s wealth and finances should be kept private, not because the man should be afraid of his ego being hurt, but because the world is not a nice place. There are thieves everywhere. But here is the paradox; in recovery we need to unveil the facts of our life, we need to inventory, and then that needs to be shared with someone that can be trusted, or at least not in a position to use it against me.
If I plan on being incredibly wealthy then I am going to need to be able to find a safe balance to protect that wealth from those inclined to steal it. I can’t just open my financial life to anyone. That’s true, but also bullshit. I am afraid of the emotional triggers. I am afraid of being confronted. I am rich, I am successful, I have a BMW. I don’t want anyone pocking holes in that in case it is all an illusion. Especially someone in DA who is broke arse and still in debt.
Never the less I want more recovery. I want more sanity around my finances and work-life balance. I might be working my program enough not to go into debt, but am often in fear of over-spending or under-earning. I want to recover in the subtle areas that money brings insanity into my life. I want freedom of the bondage of self around my finances.
At the same time I’m not prepared to share my financial intimacy with people I have not yet vetted trust-worthy or feel in any way uneasy about. This could be a further reservation, but in my case this is a rational response. Finally an excuse that isn’t bullshit. I know myself well enough and have shared enough inventories with over a dozen people in the last twenty years. I know what the fear of sharing my inner emotions feels like and this isn’t it. This is a self-protective mechanism to protect me. But I can’t recover alone and just doing meetings is not quite enough. Sharing my story here is good, but I also need the feedback of another recovering debtor. Luckily I’m not in charge of this show and God shall provide when appropriate – oh a wave of peace flows down the back of my neck as I remember Step 3 and that I am a merely employee.
I was in an online meeting and my attention was drawn to the man sharing. He spoke about his success as a carpenter with humility. He was matter of fact that he was good at his craft. He then talked about his identity being attached to that, his self-worth as a man, but also his vagueness around money. His solution was to work harder, take on bigger jobs with more contractors and do longer hours. He would do a good job and feel the high of achievement. The proof standing right in front of him as a quarter million dollar renovation. He could afford to celebrate and felt like a king. He deserved a night out and a weekend to relax for working so hard the last few months. Then the following week in fear of the size of his debtors, creditors, and expenses, which he was just not quite sure about. So back to work to make enough money so those things couldn’t possibly be a problem. I related.
At the end of the meeting the chair-person invited everyone to put their number in the chat box. I didn’t put mine in because I didn’t want any of them ringing me. He put his in so I screen shotted it and saved it for later. I sent him a text to introduce myself and then rang him the following week. We got on well and it felt good to be doing something pro-active towards connecting with the fellowship. He was busy with something so the call didn’t last long. The following week he rang me and we both had more time. We spoke about a large range of topics and realised we were similar in lots of ways. We were both the same age, had been in AA for a long time, had young wives, and didn’t like Marxism. We then went into a deep dive on our belief of God which was amazingly similar; basically atheists who recognise atheism causes hell on earth and that a belief in a higher power, even if we deep down think it’s your imagination, is essential to a happy life. I got off the phone feeling like I had a new best friend.
In another online meeting a guy shared that his wife was prone to overspending and being irresponsible with money, but wasn’t in the program and didn’t want to be. I related. He said it was causing a lot of problems in the relationship. I messaged him.
“Good to hear you share. My wife is also not in the program and we make it work.” I left him my number and he texted me later, but hasn’t called yet. I am looking forward to the conversation as it has the potential to be very interesting. A topic like has a lot of intersexual dynamics going on and could be fuelled with evolutionary biology/psychology and political incorrectness. Likely even a blog post.
Red Pill Recovery 