Self-Respect

“Hi Henry”

“You look stressed.”

“It’s been one of those days. I had to call a mediation service in Gympie to respond to their letter initiated by Lydia. I was pissed at the wording of the letter implying that if I didn’t respond it would go to court. I give her full custody of the kids and the 13 year old ran away and refused to talk to her. I don’t know what she could possibly expect a court to help her with, handcuff the 13 year old.

And I was even more pissed she chose Gympie. Like if you really wanted mediation you think you would chose a service in between where we live rather than the other side of her. Gympie is a 2 hour drive from me. Anyway, the lady said I could do the initial call on the phone so that felt a bit better and I played nice.”

“You know that’s a really good opportunity. If you stay true to yourself and have integrity things may work out better for you. Just be mindful, don’t take short wins by lying or manipulating. They will come back to bight you. You also should lawyer up. Don’t trust a mediation service. You need a professional that understands the law and is legally responsible for your best interests.”

“Yeah, it’s on my list. Then I had to follow up a refund from NDIS that they had said they had given me, but wasn’t in my bank. I rang her and she said they had definitely paid and I needed to check my bank. We checked all the details to make sure they were correct and I objected strongly saying there is no way with those details the money would not be in my account. We went back and forth and I remained strong telling her it was her agency’s mistake and she needed to have it looked into. She kept saying I had to contact my bank. She finally said she would get accounting to check again, but assured me they would have the same answer for me to check with my bank. She emailed me thirty minutes later saying they had refunded the wrong account and would pay me today.”

“God works in mysterious ways.”

“I thought you were an atheist.”

“I believe in the phenomena attributed to God. There is a synchronicity to the universe. It’s easier to explain that God is constantly guiding you through a series of events in the perfect order and timing to get you in the right emotional state to awaken. I think emotional telepathy between people is more likely than God, but who cares what causes it. God is a much easier heuristic.”

“I like that. Then my mum rang me. I paused, then answered.”

“Haha. See, God setting you up for the big one.”

“Yeah. We chatted friendly for a couple minutes then it came. ‘I have a favour to ask’. Surprise, surprise. She was lending Lydia’s daughter Jayde her car that was parked at Brisbane airport and didn’t trust express posting the keys to her and wanted to send them to me. It seemed such a simple request.  

“They always are.”

“But I remembered no good deed goes unpunished so I said I didn’t like the idea and only as a last resort.

“That was a mistake.”

“Tell me about it. She came back to me and said she had spoken to Jayde and she wanted the keys sent to me and I was to pick her up from the airport at 1pm on Thursday and give her the keys to the car that was parked there. Like I’m a fucking Uber. I said no and hung up on her.”

“That’s progress.”

“Jayde messaged me and I crumbled. She was my step daughter since she was 1 and I felt some sense of guilt and obligation. I agreed to pick her up from the airport.”

“That’s not a bad thing to do. It’s only like an hour out of your day. You have a nice car to drive and the flexibility at work to take an hour off. But it’s not about that is it?”

“No. I feel…” I pause to think. I’m not sure what I feel.

“Disrespected.” He says in a low monotone. “They don’t respect your time and just consider you a useful idiot.”

“That really hurts.”

“Good.” He almost cracks a smile. “What’s your relationship like with Jayde?”

I think for a minute. “Hmmm. I’m not sure where to start.”

“The beginning will do.”

Oh patient Henry. “We first met when I dated her mum. She was only 9 months old, crawling around and I thought the novelty of a baby was cute. I had never dated a women with a kid before, but it seemed easy and I really liked it.”

“You must have had a good Dad.”

“Yeah, I believe I did. Jayde’s mum and I stayed together and she started to call me Dad. I let her. I probably encouraged it.”

“Do you feel like you took on a lifetime of responsibility like if it was your own kid?”

“Not really. I remember in the early days I went out with Lydia to some of her family friends and the woman of the house asked me if I know what a big responsibility I was taking on. I just nodded, but thought to myself. What are you talking about? I’m just banging a chick with a kid. I’m pretty nice to the kid. What more do you want?”

“And now?”

“Now I think the relationship needs to stand on it’s own. I don’t see there should be any obligation from either of us. To be honest I don’t feel that much different about my own kids. They are younger, so I still feel responsible, but when they are older they have the choice to have a relationship with me or not. I suppose I can judge my success as a parent if they want to have a relationship with me.”

“Oh, so cold.”

“Really?”

“No. That’s not my opinion, but there is a part of you that believes it.”

“Hmm. What about your kids?” I know Henry has kids, but he rarely talks about them, to be honest, we are always talking about me.

“We’re close now, but there were years I didn’t see them much. The older ones would only ring me when they wanted something. I thought that was my role. I didn’t mind. I liked being needed, but then I realised I was doing it out of guilt and obligation. I got remarried and my new wife was able to see it. She said I was still holding onto my past. At first I thought she just wanted me all to herself, but as time went on I realised all the things she didn’t like me doing I didn’t really want to be doing either. I had to let go. The guilt was hard, but it passed. And then I changed. I was like you, full of vice for years, even in recovery. Then I put it all down. Guilt was a vice I didn’t even know I had.”

“That’s how I feel.  I don’t know what is guilt and what is integrity”

“Yeah, it takes a while. It’s a good thing you’re not running the show. Things will happen in time. How was it with Jayde as she became a toddler?”

“I loved it. And I was good at it. I mean we were junkies. And alcoholics when we weren’t junkies. But it was cool having a kid. You know it might have been what brought me back to recovery. I ended up with a family and loved them both. I think it changed me.”

“It will do that.”

“Then we got clean and learnt how to do normal things. Jayde loved meetings, people were really nice to her and there were other kids there. I wondered how I would handle her turning 4. I figured I was a good Dad because I had been shown by my Dad, but he died just before I was 4 so I knew I was in uncharted territory after that. I really took it as a blessing. Her dad wasn’t around so if it wasn’t for me she might not have had a dad. This felt wonderful being able to give to a very sweet little girl that which I had so needed and missed out on. We would go bush walking a lot and I got a kids seat for my bike and would take her on rides. I would have killed for someone to do that for me. I just felt blessed that I got the chance to do it for someone else, like it was healing in some way.”

“I’m sure it would have been.”

“Then me and Lydia had a kid of our own. I probably spent even more time with Jayde after that since Lydia was busy with the baby. I taught her to ride a bike and then I would ride to school with her.”

“Did you love your own kids more than her.”

“I tried not to, but yes. It’s a different bond. I was much tougher on Jayde than our own kids. I was even mean sometimes. I was in early recovery and I was just trying to cope with lifes challenges. I didn’t have time for hers.”

“To be fair, you didn’t have very good teachers.”

“No, it was very authoritarian in my household. But my mum was much softer natured and able to be manipulated. I ruled with the same iron fist she tried to, but mine was much stronger.”

“Do you feel guilt about how you treated her?” 

“A little.”

“I do think it’s important to feel the guilt. It’s just as important not to act on it ten years later, but you still need to acknowledge and feel it. What were some of the things you feel guilty about?”

“I was just tough on her. I disciplined her like I did my dog expecting absolute obedience. I justified it because I didn’t ask for much. The only thing I really wanted was her not to touch my stuff. She was always stealing my headphones or chargers etc.”

“Did you used to hit her?”

“A couple times. Nothing I really remember, I don’t think I ever hurt her. I mostly just used to bully her. I used to go off and be so angry when she would take my things. I don’t actually remember what I would punish her with, maybe some loss of privileges.”

“Did you teach her things?”

“Yeah, I taught her to work. She was naughty at school so I suggested she work with me 3 days a week instead of school. I made her work hard.

“Of course.”

“It worked out well and she was able to finish school and get a degree, and is now a professional.”

What grade would you give yourself as a Dad?”

“Hmmm. Maybe a B, no C+”

“That sounds a bit tough, you sure?”

“Well, I’m such an introvert and so dismissive of the whole school experience. I never went to support her in school events. I didn’t go to her prom or graduation.”

“OK. C+”

“And now?”

“Well now I don’t even feel like her Dad. To be honest it feels a bit weird her calling me Dad.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I feel she doesn’t relate to me on any level you would relate to a father except to extract resources out of me. She never contacts me unless she wants something. I made a bit of an effort up until a couple years ago to reach out to her with dinner invitations etc. but she would make excuses and then reach out to me when she wanted something.”

“How old is she?”

“24”

“And she’s an employed professional yeah?”

“Yep”

“Then it’s very unloving of you to allow that sort of relationship. What does your new wife think. They are the same age yeah?”

“Ricky is pissed. She was hoping to be friends, but Jayde was very stand offish at first.”

“That’s sort of to be expected.”

“Yeah, that was fine, but then a year later Ricky was still trying. She bought her a customised necklace online with Jayde’s name on it for Christmas. We put it under the tree and then never heard anything about it. One of the little kids told us that Jayde had opened it and said. ‘I would have preferred money.’”

“That would have hurt.”

“Yeah. That was it for Ricky.”

“It’s hard to come back from that.”

“Yeah, especially when Jayde only contacts me when she wants something. 7 months later she has contacted me 3 times. 1 to borrow my car, 2 to borrow $100 and 3 to pick her up from the airport.”

“I can see why you feel disrespected. And I can see why Ricky isn’t happy. You have to understand that Ricky is your wife and she considers all your resources hers and any competition as a threat. What’s she like with your other kids?”

“She fantastic, really generous with both time and money. And not my money either. She buys them stuff out of her allowance.”

“It’s about respect. She’s happy to share, but it’s only to those that love and respect you.”

“Thanks Henry.”