It’s a beautiful winters day outside and I have been putting in some good hours at work. I decide to finish off anything urgent and go for a walk. I get to the beach at about 10am and the chill is just starting to come off. The sun beats warm on my back, but the air is still cool and refreshing. I look around and the ocean is sparkling as the mid-morning rays bounce off it, the low tide exposing the rocks, I get a sense of well-being, freedom and hope at the prospect of the next couple hours walking. I can take my time, enjoy the scenery and stop and ponder my thoughts.
As I begin my walk I reflect how I used to do this on LSD weekly. It’s eery how things haven’t changed that much, now I just do it straight. After about 45 minutes and 4km I start to really get into the flow. Memories come back of the hundreds of times I was high on Lucy, Molly, 2CB, cannabis, and often all combined as I navigated this stretch of coastline. The feelings come back, everything even looks a bit sparkly, colours brighter. This would be weird except it happens so often. It’s like I brought something back with me from the other side and can tap into it by walking long distances.
It’s different now I have had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps. Before that happened I used to walk like this in abstinence, be it weeks or months clean, and I wanted to be wasted. I was happy with my life and didn’t want the negative consequences of getting wasted, but it was still my preferred state. I could tap back into the sensation of being high and I would feel pretty high. But there was an abandonment of self. I would go into a meditation on my music and the memories of being high and disassociate from the world and my heart. I was escaping into Narcissist, the boy looking into his own reflection as a psychedelic kaleidoscope into the black hole of self-obsession. It was only a matter of time before I convinced myself the real thing was a good idea.
Now it was different. Now I am present and aware of my feelings. I have no desire to use drugs. It’s almost ironic, feeling high and having no desire to use drugs because they would stop the high. My mum warned me about LSD when I was 10 and explained this dangerous drug makes you hallucinate and then even when it wears off you can still have what’s known as flashbacks and go back into it. It sounded terrifying. Little did I know these flashbacks would be awesome and I could trigger them by walking.
I walk down the path and under the overhanging trees. Everything is alive and breathing. A wave of gratitude for my life sweeps over me. I remember all the walks I had here high going through the wreckage of my life. The grief! The grief of everything I had known, recognising the truth and the sadness, and being able to move on from it. I have more grief to go for sure, but the freedom I feel is amazing. I have everything I want and such a promising future for what I will want tomorrow – there is always something new.
As the leaves glow green and the ocean sparkles blues and whites, I feel a bubbling sensation rising up like Molly, it’s so good to be me. It’s so good to be me. This isn’t even fair. I abuse drugs and now I still get to enjoy all the good parts? It’s self esteem. The drugs may have opened the door ways, but it was my actions that allowed me to walk through them. I gave up all vice. I chose love instead of addiction. I did the work and had a spiritual awakening, I share my story and continue to clean my side of the street.
Red Pill Recovery 