I’ve been following politics since the US election. At first glance it appears a civil war of left vs right, but the more I research the more I realise how utterly corrupt the system is. The establishment; political elite, mainstream media, big pharma, and big tech continue to put out information that is either a blatant lie, huge hypocrisy, or proves to be completely wrong a month or two later. The conservative populist movement “seem” to be fighting against this corruption tend to be Christian. And it makes me think of the values of Christ – the perfect man who apart from other great attributes was 100% honest – even when it meant his own torture and death.
When I was trying to clean in 2000 I had a handful of short relapses and each time on my return to the rooms of NA I would surrender more to the program. I would do a few more suggested things; more meetings, get a home group, get a sponsor, work the steps. And a few less unsuggested things; shoplifting, selling drugs, trying to fuck the other members.
By the end of the year the big chunks of clean time had made my life far more manageable, but I would still pick up heroin every month or 2. This humbled me more than anything in my addiction. I had given NA my best effort and I still failed. Step 1 hit hard. I had been through the steps and made a commitment to God to practice the principle of honesty in all my affairs. It dawned on me that every time I broke this promise, even in what seemed to me very benign ways, I relapsed.
Rigorous honesty it is, I decided stoned on heroin, weed, and with a beer in my hand. I hoped I would wake up the next morning and never have the obsession to use heroin again. 20 years later this is the case, but the disease of the devil has traversed so many other areas of my life.
After 15 years or so clean my life was lacking in a few areas, basically sex and money. Things had not worked our as per my grandiose plan. “Recovery will give you more than your wildest dreams.” They said. They obviously didn’t see my wish list. I found myself in another failed relationship where being the honest, caring, nice guy had failed to keep her attraction to me. I decided I needed to get better with attracting and keeping women and began to research the “pick up arts”. I read endless books on the topic and practiced my new skills in field, meeting and trying to seduce women in shopping centres and city malls.
They call it the red-pill as you uncover the true biological nature of women and why they are attracted to certain attributes in men. I also learned the unconscious breeding strategy of females of most species is highly secretive and duplicitous. The red pill is hard to digest. It stripped all my false beliefs of woman being fundamentally honest. It was soul crushing and resultant resentment combined with the reason I started this journey – to fuck as many of them as I could, turned me into a dishonest, manipulative, and eventually cold hearted seducer.
When I started to see the truth I couldn’t help but decide all bets were off, this was nature, this was Gods design, I had been failing at my sex life for 25 years because I had completely misunderstood women’s unconscious sexual behaviour and strategy. Now I understood it better, I felt a duty to myself to combat their subterfuge with my own. I mimicked what high value men did and created attraction from a host of triggers to a girls subconscious. It worked and was dating and getting laid with the hottest girls I ever had.
I didn’t make a conscious decision to be dishonest – I was too scared of using heroin again, but I was taken down a path where the dishonesty felt more than justified and the benefits of this dishonesty justified it further. But it opened the door. There I was having a better life from dishonesty and on down that slippery slope I went. I further justified it by the text in the AA big book. “… honest with themselves.” I believed that while I was being less honest with the world around me I was becoming more self-aware and becoming more honest with myself.
And in an attempt to get even more honest with myself I decided psychedelic drugs would remove the last layers of my ego that I wasn’t able to on my own. I considered an ayahuasca retreat, but settled on LSD in the comfort of my own home. It was so effective I continued to do it weekly and then started to add MDMA and cannabis to the mix.
Now I had to be dishonest about using illicit drugs as well. I didn’t fall into a vortex of addiction and the psychedelic medicines did have a lot of positive effects. But I am an addict and they were so much fun. After a couple years I had to conceded that I was now using them for recreation rather than therapy.
I stood there Nov 2019 looking out at the ocean high on LSD and cannabis and surrendered once again that I am an addict and any mind or mood altering substances will ultimately lead to dependence. I was also single and sleeping with dozens of different women a year. I had chosen a life of sex and drugs. I knew I had to change, especially my sex life, so I was prepared to get a wife and settle down with one woman, but I no longer considered honesty a prerequisite for recovery. I had been able to stay away from all the drugs I no longer wanted to take, specifically heroin and alcohol, without being rigorously honest.
Cannabis was legal in a lot of the world so any dealing in that was at worst tax evasion and women weren’t going to change so I would be a fool to be completely honest with a wife that I knew was subconsciously deeply honest to the core. I’ll get clean tomorrow. It shouldn’t be too hard, I don’t have any physical habits. I can just go to meetings and slot right back in, except now I know how to get laid and make money. Oh, this should be fun.
Jan 2021. I’m clean a few days again. I had “one last” binge on Lucy, Molly, and cannabis. This is probably my 5th one last binge over the last year. I’ve completely changed my life. I found a wonderful girl in December and we got married just last month. I haven’t changed my opinion on women, my wife is a human woman with thousands of years of evolution that give her genes a competitive edge to replicate over the generations if she cheats just a little and doesn’t get caught. But she is also a spiritual soul with a conscience and self-discipline. She doesn’t want to cheat and recognise these morals and values give her a self-esteem and contentedness.
Would she cheat under specific circumstances? Yes. Can I limit the chance of those circumstances happening by being a strong man of integrity and fulfilling her physical and emotional needs? Absolutely. It took me months in the relationship to understand that and then many more months to trust. I too have decided to be faithful. And I have decided to let go of any illegal activity – even if I don’t consider it more than tax evasion. I have a few loose ends to tie up – which will most certainly be done by the time I publish this post, but then I will pursue that honest life that I used to have – so long ago now.
I remember having an honest business and having pride in that, having a girlfriend and young family and not pursuing other women – my ineptness at it helped. Being honest about how you earn your money, what substances you put in your body, and who you fuck go a long way to an honest life. I remember the contentment I had of being honest and the lack of fear I had of being exposed. I had nothing to hide. God grant me the strength and courage to be an honest man.
Red Pill Recovery 