Flushing Lucy

I did it again. I decided for various well thought out and calculated reasons that I should do another psychedelic journey. It was ok. A couple good things, a couple bad, no disasters thank God. Time to get clean again, but I still had 400 mics of Lucy and 25mg of 2CB – quite the party. I had to wait until the weather was nice and I didn’t have any commitments. They were burning a hole in my pocket – hard to concentrate.

My wife got a positive pregnancy test. We’re having a baby! I feel bad taking drugs and leaving her at home while I walk 20km’s from one end of the peninsula to the other. I would feel even worse letting her come, which she would have just to keep an eye on me. I odn;t want to make her walk so much in the heat of the day if she was so early in pregnancy.

I really just wanted to get clean, but didn’t have the strength not to take my last dose. I could flush them, I considered. A wave of peace came over me like, no it was more like numbness. For a short moment in time I was prepared to flush my drugs. This can’t be me, this had to be God, and while I am empowered I better do it. I went downstairs, took them out of my drawer and proceeded to the toilet. I open the bags and let them drop. Flush, good bye my loves.

I went to bed not feeling relieved or sad. I didn’t feel much at all. The next day she did another pregnancy test. False. Damn, it was a false alarm. I am sad because I want us to have a baby. My drugs! I flushed my drugs for no reason and now I feel guilty that I am sadder over them than her not being pregnant.

I stay clean and my mind keeps returning to the toilet and asking me if there is anyway I can get them back. No, sorry Micky. The pain in my chest, in my heart, my loves, torn from me by my own hand. I don’t have any deep regrets because I know it was God’s hand guiding me not mine, but the grief is strong. A week later I vape weed over the weekend because “it’s my birthday” which at the time seemed like a very reasonable idea.

Baked and walking along the beach I remember my flushed psychedelics. I feel really good about it. I have no desire for them at all. Thank you God. I have no desire for any drugs except for weed and that’s because I had a big container of it that I deemed too valuable to throw out. I’ll get clean on Monday and give someone that container.

On Monday I get clean and stash the container in a safe place – out of site out of mind. I do my best effort at recovery for 2 weeks and then decide that I can’t stay clean with that container in the house. I vape some and promise myself I will get clean in a week. One more week of the cannabis lifestyle.

But the desire for anything else is not only gone, I recoil from it like a hot flame. God works in weird ways. The program works in weird ways. I took my self through the steps in March with the objective to restore myself to sanity in regards to not taking psychedelics again. It really felt like it had worked and then 7 months later there I was all lit up again. I feel like Luke Skywalker having to face Darth Vader one last time to become a Jedi. Or maybe I’m just a hopeless addict.

Anyway, I’m 46, my life has never been better. I am restored to sanity in all drugs except cannabis, which ironically happens to be the least disruptive and the easiest to stop. I have full confidence I will get clean on Monday.

Maybe I will stay clean, maybe I won’t. I have really given up caring. From Monday I will make a solemn oath to my higher power to not be involved in anything drug related and to continue to stay connected with the 12 step fellowships and be of service helping others with the steps.