I’m a few months clean again – I feel like I have written that a few times on this blog. It was really hard to get any momentum being clean this time. The negative effects of my drug use have lessened since I committed to getting-clean-again. I relapse and nothing really bad happens, but I want to be clean. I finally get clean and struggle for a few months with anxiety and mild depression, but do really positive things for my life and make big improvements around business, family, hobbies, etc. Life feels grand. So grand I relapse again and don’t really lose much. Often I come out of a relapse and my life is better externally than when I went into it. I am usually healthier because I walk so much along the beach high.
Anyway, I do this half a dozen times and the motivation for getting clean gets harder. This is dangerous. This is how people relapse for a decade or never get back. I feel guilt about not being clean and the fear starts to creep in. I walk along the beach high on LSD and think to myself how the fuck are you going to stay clean this time. I have confidence I can get clean because I have done it so many times and don’t have any physical addictions, but how do I not get 6 months clean and decide a day walking along the beach on LSD and MDMA isn’t a good idea?
I have to be of service. You know you’re fucked up when you’re walking along the beach on 500 mics of acid and devising a plan for living that will keep you clean. You know you are really fucked up when you have done this a few times before. Still, I had to find a way to stay in recovery and I knew it revolved around service. I had tried to be of service in NA and AA, but it was always a chore and never stuck. I figure I just have to persist. I have to push through the barrier and help those that need it regardless of how much I hate them. There is an old guy in the AA meeting that stinks like piss and to me just has a horrible personality, one of those people that I always avoid. He is old and lonely and needs lifts to meetings. I cringe at the thought, but think if I want to stay clean, maybe I need to go to those lengths to help those in need. I’m willing.
I think of a second and less gruesome option. I have been doing Workaholics Anonymous (WA) meetings and really like the people there. I also have a few friends in AA/NA that I like. I could reach out to them and invite them to do step work with me as peers, also known as co-sponsorship. I imagine if I can get 7 takers then I can do step work every day with one of them. I like this idea much better and enjoy the rest of my LSD trip walking along the beach and vaping weed. I really feel like this is a solid recovery plan.
I get clean and am stoned again by the end of the week. I flush my drugs, get clean and vape weed 2 weeks later. I get to a point where my history tells me I will get clean again, but I just don’t know when. I’m also in a pretty good space. I’m enjoying my clean time and enjoying my relapses. I think there is a lesson in surrender. I decide I don’t care if I stay clean anymore. If I relapse I enjoy it and when I am clean and do meetings, a couple AA face to face and my WA online meetings, then I enjoy being clean too.
It’s touch and go for a month, I really don’t know if I will stay clean and it’s weird that I have let go and don’t really care. I do sort of care, but I tell myself I don’t care. It’s a weird feeling of surrender. I do find about 5 people to do step work with within the first couple weeks. My plan has worked better than I could have expected. And I didn’t have to drive that horrible old guy that stinks like piss to meetings. Thank you God!
Life gets harder not easier. A couple months in I have more anxiety and more fear than I did in the first month. My co-sponsors aren’t as motivated to do step work with me and while they are happy to catch up for a chat they usually make excuses for the step work and I don’t feel it’s my place to push it.
My anxiety and fear gets worse and I decide that I have to do step work regardless and can’t wait for them. I finish step 1 on my own and move onto step 2. I am so impressed with the WA Step working guide – The Workaholics Anonymous Book of Recovery. And start to feel a bit better. I move on to step 3 and get into a good routine. I take on a service position to lead the Zoom meeting on Tuesdays and start to really feel part of WA. I reach out to men on the meetings that I feel I might like and have some common interest with, which surprisingly is most of them.
I end up with a dozen or so regular contacts from all around the world. I do a 30 minute online meeting most days and have one or two hour-long calls with members. It’s so conducive to my personality, I have joined my version of the metaverse. I never have to leave home and feel really fulfilled. I feel part of a 12 step fellowship like I haven’t felt in almost 20 years. I wake up and the fear is still there a little bit, but reduced significantly. I know what I am doing for the day. I have my work, my wife, my hobbies, my meeting, and connection with recovery friends all over the world I am forming deep and intimate bonds with. I have a program for living and the disease is back in hibernation.
Red Pill Recovery 