Over 6 months clean again. It’s about a year since I relapsed around the first anniversary of my son’s death. What a year! What a decade. I feel like the trauma has finally stopped. It was so hard for so long. There were times that I asked myself would I ever be consistently happy again? I had this vague recollection of life not being so hard, but it was distant.
NA Meetings and Challenges
I did my NA meetings for a few months. I did my 90 meetings in 90 days. I felt I needed to get that into my thick skull. That I am powerless over my addiction and I need to refrain from all drugs in order to recover. I liked the people there in the Australian online NA meetings. And I think the Aussie accent made me feel at home – even though I ran away from that home.
I made friends and tried to help people, but NA is the sick of the sick. I feel a little bad judging, but any interaction was so one-sided with me dealing with their issues. This would have been fine if I actually thought I was helping any. But nothing I said made any dent. They might agree with me, but not take any action. I tried working through the steps with people, but I couldn’t keep anyone motivated enough to keep going.
I take my share of the responsibility for this. I have friends who are really good with recovering drug addicts and have helped dozens of people get long-term recovery. I have helped a lot of people over the years, but not in the early stages of recovery. I have only ever been able to make a difference once they are a few years clean.
Like an Episode of Shameless
And talk about disease. This one guy, who I really liked, was probably not far away from death. He had been clean for many years in the past, had a motorcycle accident, got addicted to pain killers, had complications with surgery, had COVID vaccine injuries, and was now in constant pain and on a morphine patch. What was physical and what was emotional only God knows.
I tried to help him devise a plan to get on the path back to being clean. After a couple of chats, I found out he had well over a million dollars in assets: an apartment in the Gold Coast (empty), superannuation, and even some Bitcoin. But he lived in a government-paid flat on benefits. I explained to him that this changes everything and he can get the professional help he needed. He said he didn’t want to waste his money. He was in his sixties and I said, “You’re going to die with a million dollars.” He agreed.
As we got talking further, I asked what his sponsor, who he had mentioned a couple times, recommended for him.
“Hmm, he’s pretty busy. I don’t get to talk to him much. He just says go to meetings.”
“Mate. You’re going to die in pain in meetings – not clean. Who’s going to get your inheritance?” I asked, thinking he might have kids.
“My sponsor got me to sign it over to him last time I was in the hospital,” he said with a straight face.
I could have fallen over. When I inquired about his sponsor’s motivations, there was no way that he would consider his sponsor wasn’t the greatest guy on earth. I gave up on that for the moment, the taste of vomit in my mouth a bit strong. I tried to give him ideas about getting some help with this new information about his assets. I pleaded with him to explore private rehabs and recovery coaches that could give him the time he needed and hold his hand through what was otherwise going to be a slide into narcotics and death.
But I couldn’t get him to take any action. I would see him at the meeting most days and he would complain honestly about his predicament and conclude that he just had to be stronger. I would ring him after the meeting and say you don’t need to be stronger. You need to admit you are fucked and can’t do anything for yourself, and pay someone to do it for you. “Yeah, I will. I will do that,” he would reply.
NA Culture
The thing that saddened me the most about the meetings that I had become a regular fixture of, and had genuine affection for the members, was the culture that was spread across a lot of NA, but particularly promoted in that meeting. And that is: “Don’t pick up no matter what.” This is contrary to the 12 steps. In this meeting, they went as far as calling it the “No matter what club” and they would encourage newcomers to “join the club”. Newcomers without a working knowledge of the steps would then think that was recovery.
I’ve seen this approach promoted in NA by various people over and over for years. They don’t stay clean. And worse, when they relapse they don’t come back. When you hand your will and your life over to God and the 12 steps and then relapse, you aren’t a failure. You just did what you are powerless over and are welcome to come back and try again. When your recovery is “don’t pick up no matter what”, then when you relapse you are a failure. And it’s much harder to come back through the doors.
Finding a Home in AA
Somewhere after 90 days clean, I did an AA meeting. There were middle-class housewives and retired old men and what seemed to me, especially compared to NA, as very normal people. People like me. Well, actually even more normal than me. I felt like I fitted in so much more. I’m sorry NA. You saved my life and I feel like I abandoned you, but here I am at home in AA.
They spoke about the solution of handing over to God. They followed the big book of AA and didn’t make stuff up that wasn’t true, or worse, contrary to the 12 steps. They had hope in surrender and lived a daily program as flawed human beings. It was hard to tell they were alcoholic except for stories of their past. I was home.
I decided I had done my stint in NA and would give AA a try for an extended period. I had done so many fellowships over the years and I was back at AA. It felt like I could practice all the lessons I had learned from SLAA, DA, WA, and ACA in these online AA meetings.
Life in Lombok
I continue to do a quick inventory using the AA Big Book method in my Excel workbook every few weeks and shine the light on my resentments, selfishness, dishonesty, and fears. I do 20-30 mins meditation every morning which is now really easy and enjoyable. I have a few calls on the phone each week with friends in and out of recovery and hide from the madness of my falling western civilization while on my tropical island.
I’m not acting out anywhere. I am pretty much vice-free for maybe the first time ever. Not quite true. I smash coffee like water – can’t see many downsides on that. Oh, and I do eat a lot. I’m getting a little bit fatter every month – the good life. I suppose I will have to address that at some stage too.
Red Pill Recovery 