Recovery in Lombok

It’s been almost 9 months since we left Australia, and we have really started to settle in. I’m so glad I left. I love my new lifestyle here. I wake up early, meditate, journal, do a bit of work, play with the baby, and then attend an online AA meeting by the pool at sunrise. I then work until midday, have a swim in the pool, and lie in the sun to get my vitamin D, sometimes taking a walk around the block – the dry season sun is so nice. I eat my grass-fed steak (imported from Australia), watch some Netflix with my wife, and then return to work until around 3 PM. After that, I do some yoga, walk along the beach, or read a book or nap by the pool. The nanny goes home at 6 PM, and then it’s just the three of us for the evening. Netflix and chill, but with a baby.

I have been getting so much satisfaction out of work. When I was leaving Australia, I thought I might semi-retire in Indonesia, but I was struck with the reality that I really didn’t like looking after babies and cleaning. I like playing with my baby and having things clean, so we hire a nanny and a cleaner. In fact, I have a nanny, a cleaner, a kennel boy (who looks after the dogs and does basic house maintenance), and a pool boy, who also does some yard cleaning. There’s really not much left to do, but when we did our budget, it sort of adds up. Not to mention my wife is pregnant, which means another nanny (and a bigger house at some stage). I didn’t remember how much work and expense kids are.

I also got used to business class flights and can’t decide whether to live in Jakarta, Lombok, or Bandung. City, beach, or mountains. Why choose? I want a house or apartment in each. That will add up, transporting the nannies and kids all around in Indonesia. But these aren’t essentials; we can live very happily here in Lombok. No debt and mountains of food. I feel very safe here as WW3 brews. I think Lombok could fare pretty well in a nuclear war in its fertile volcanic valleys. You only need to throw seeds over your shoulder for them to grow a crop. The locals live such simple lives in part because they can. They look pretty happy with their own little patch of land, a few chickens and cows, warm weather, fresh water, and the love of family.

But the real clincher was how much I enjoyed it when I actually went back to work. I’ve had a lot of stress over the last decade: a long-term relationship breakup, my son getting sick, Covid, my son dying, and then moving overseas. Sprinkle in a mid-life crisis, a handful of relapses, some C-PTSD, and I really haven’t worked full-time for more than a few months’ stint here and there for over a decade. I was also running my own warehouse for most of it, so the times I was working included physically packing the orders. I hadn’t updated the websites or marketing campaigns for almost 10 years.

I decided I would make a big effort and commit to getting the business up to date, thinking that might take me until the end of the year. Then I would decide, but within a few months, I realized how much I had neglected the business and how much work there was to do. I was equally shocked by how much I enjoyed the work. This was a revelation. I had never enjoyed working so much. It seemed too good to be true. I got to play all day in my air-conditioned office and take breaks to hang out with my beautiful young wife and baby. Then when he cried, the nanny would come and take him.

A lot of this is due to the gifts of Workaholics Anonymous. I had taken that program seriously, worked the steps, and really put in the effort. Now I am reaping the rewards. I had learned how to work. I had recognized a problem with my relationship with work, shared my powerlessness with others in the meetings, done a rigorous house cleaning including a full history of my dysfunctional relationship with work, and then with this new level of understanding and the support of the WA fellowship, set about building new habits and strategies around work and rest. I had been restored to sanity. Like other 12-step fellowships, it had taken about three years to feel “recovered”. The irony is I haven’t attended WA meetings consistently for well over a year. This was the same when I did the steps in SLAA almost 20 years ago. It was like I “got it” once I gave up on it. The steps seem to have a delayed effect.

As usual, Higher Power has put the right things in the right place at the right time. Somehow I came across the book “Mastery” by Robert Greene. A couple of chapters in, I felt like I had a mini spiritual awakening. He talked about people finding their professional purpose. By this stage of getting back into work and getting so much satisfaction out of it, I had already decided I was going to commit to the next 5-7 years. I had written some affirmations – which came spontaneously while journaling – without even thinking about affirmations, and felt like they came from a deep place in my intuition (Higher Power even).

Here are the affirmations that came to me:

• I can’t wait to be a competent e-commerce marketer with a range of small businesses under my control.
• That feeling of success keeps me warm like a light blanket of light.
• I’m going to reside in a beautiful residence with family that loves me.
• My workday is going to be extremely satisfying, and I am going to look at all problems as potential for change to make things better.
• I am going to feel so good that I am competent. It will give me a sense of independence like I have never had before.
• I will be inspired and enthusiastic by the tasks I have ahead of me.
• I will confidently say no to the things I don’t want to do and can be done by others.
• I will feel my emotions when things upset me, then I will meditate on them and hand them over to God.
• I will continue to work the steps and have a rich life of meditation and AA meetings where I am finding my concentration and enjoyment increasing.
• I am becoming a more attractive man to my wife and making her feel secure.
• I will become an effective leader and have pride in my management style.
• I will lead effectively because I am skilled and experienced in the topic I am delegating.
• I can grow out of these problems I don’t like.

I review these every now and then when I remember. But that’s not what grabbed me most in the book “Mastery”. What turned my world upside down (in a good way) was the next chapter on people being shown their calling very early in life, often when they were kids, and being drawn to it at a spiritual level. One of the examples was Einstein, who as a young boy was given a compass that had a powerful emotional effect on him. I remember when I first saw a compass work and was reasonably disinterested. Einstein was overcome by a passion to understand not only the forces moving the compass but the fact these forces existed and the other ones that might exist. Obviously, this became his life’s work.

I pondered that there was nothing really like that in my childhood. I thought for a minute, and Anthony popped into my head. I was 5 or 6 years old, and he had been sent to our class because he was naughty. He walked in like he was made of Teflon, holding a large textbook that seemed to me was full of the answers of the universe. Stoically, he walked into our classroom and sat at the spare desk assigned to him. Without guile or thought, he opened his text and began to read. He never looked up to acknowledge the other kids or the teacher. Occasionally he would look out the window at the large gum trees blowing in the wind.

I wanted what was in that textbook. I wanted to be able to read and lose myself in the information and power of what was in his book and the thousands just like it. Inside the book was a universe of ideas and escape from the dusty old classroom with uneducated rulers. The textbook offered a doorway to something greater that one day when I was older I would have access to.

I went home and tried to read large books but could never get that feeling that I assigned to him. Then 10 years later, I discovered chemistry and could understand what was in these books and even do the equations. A classification of the world and its interactions into 118 elements. I could see them all around me. I had the universe in my hand and would often remember the image of Anthony and wanting to be just like him, and there I was, lost in deep concentration in a textbook.

A decade or more later, I am in my office all alone with literal access to the universe, but now through the internet instead of a textbook. I could learn anything I wanted and self-taught myself web design and marketing. I would lose myself for days building businesses –  two of which I still have today. But today I also have a 12-step program where I can treat the work like a vocation and not a drug – I take breaks and drink water.

I don’t think Mastery is on the cards for me, but high competence will suffice. I have a range of skills I need to refresh and improve. If it was easy, everybody would do it. If I don’t feel like giving up every day because I will never “get it,” then I am not challenging myself enough. And when I want to give up, I take a break, do some yoga or meditation, and tell myself this is right where I am meant to be – on the border of impossible and achievable. I break for lunch and lie in the sun on the inflatable llama in my pool and let the sun wash away the feelings of “I’ll never get this” and reflect on what I have achieved for the day. Sometimes the challenges are a bit much for my brain, and I just can’t turn off. I do an AA meeting and listen to the problems and successes of others and remember it’s just a job; the important thing is I am getting better at it.

I go for long walks after work along the beach and sneak onto the large resort that has a private beach front path and large manicured gardens with really big old trees. I nod at the staff as I walk and they smile – my skin colour is like a get-anywhere pass. I listen to music and my thoughts slow. I am present. I have love and family, health and wealth, and purpose. I have purpose. I am an e-commerce entrepreneur. I have been doing it for over 20 years, starting my first e-commerce site in 2003. The title really fits like a comfy suit. It no longer feels pretentious. It’s really who I am. I think my vocation giving me purpose is helped by the fact that I have a wife and kids, and most of the money I make will be spent on others, but it’s not like my purpose is altruistic and I love it that my purpose is a little selfish. I run an e-commerce business. I’m not out to save the climate or solve poverty or hunger. I’m buying stuff and selling it online for more than I pay so I can have a more luxurious life for myself and my family.

To be honest, I don’t trust myself to have an altruistic purpose. In fact, I really don’t trust anyone to have an altruistic purpose. I think they can be the worst evil and usually involve a deep-seated desire to change people and control others’ behaviour. I just want to sell people stuff that they feel they got great value from and have them come back to buy more and tell their friends.

Today I sit in my office overlooking my pool and play all day like a little kid. I redesign my website landing pages, create articles and marketing material, structure advertising campaigns, and ultimately sell stuff online. I am the boy all grown up with the universe at his fingertips. I have a vocation I get so much satisfaction from, a family who I love and who loves me back, and a program for living in the 12 steps and online meetings.