OA Personal Story
I think we were transporting horses. I felt special to be up in the cab with my Dad, sitting next to him on the black vinyl bench seats. I looked up to the dash and spotted a pack of Lifesavers. He saw my intent three-year-old gaze and got one out for me. It had a…
Overeaters Anonymous
I’m fat. I made a deal with my wife when we got together that I would stay under 80kg and she would stay under 50. She’s 48 (and pregnant) and I’m 85. I will find a way to lose it, I keep telling myself. I have lost weight before. But I can’t seem to get…
Recovery in Lombok
It’s been almost 9 months since we left Australia, and we have really started to settle in. I’m so glad I left. I love my new lifestyle here. I wake up early, meditate, journal, do a bit of work, play with the baby, and then attend an online AA meeting by the pool at sunrise.…
Clean in Lombok
Over 6 months clean again. It’s about a year since I relapsed around the first anniversary of my son’s death. What a year! What a decade. I feel like the trauma has finally stopped. It was so hard for so long. There were times that I asked myself would I ever be consistently happy again?…
Navigating Parenthood – Again…
I’m 48 and have been given another chance of love and family. I wanted a young wife because you know. “You’re only as young as the girl you feel.” And they smell nice, soft skin, youthful enthusiasm. And I have the maturity of a teenager a lot of the time. I didn’t really want babies,…
I Fucking Made It.
Wow. That wasn’t easy. But I fucking did it! I am sitting in my office with a view of my infinity pool, from my newly renovated villa, that cost me less than AUD 200K. My 9 month old baby is making noises in the other room with my sweat wife. I have a new home.…
Bitcoin as the Solution – That’ll Fuck Em
Covid was such a dark time for me. I have heard it said just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean you are wrong. Thank God I was paranoid or I wouldn’t be so healthy due to my high grass fed beef diet and I wouldn’t own so much Bitcoin. I imagined these Mr Burns like…
Escaping the Matrix
We get to the Brisbane airport. We have almost made it. The warehouse and apartment we were living in left like a murder scene, dirty clothes on the floor, half-finished coffee cups on the bench. I get to check-in and overhear someone ask if there are any upgrades. Yes sir, she replies. I leave the…
This One’s For You Dad
I’ve been clean over a year and going to relapse again. Of course there is always an excuse, but this one’s a really good one. I should give some context. My relapses are not particularly devastating so It’s rationale to think that this one will be as benign as the rest. I vape weed, take…
Dear Anger, Fear and Self-Centredness.
You have served me well and I love you. I know you want to protect me with your repetition and I know the topics deserve your attention. But I want to be in love. I am choosing love. You will always be there for me when I really need you. You have a place to…
Goodbye Sweet Boy
The last time I saw him was the week before he passed. I had stopped seeing much of him. I blamed others for that, but mostly God. God had given me a pass. I was the one that was there for him when he first got sick. The one that considered his immediate needs rather…
A Program For Living
I’m a few months clean again – I feel like I have written that a few times on this blog. It was really hard to get any momentum being clean this time. The negative effects of my drug use have lessened since I committed to getting-clean-again. I relapse and nothing really bad happens, but I…
Another 12 Step Fellowship
A new fellowship! How many does he do? I feel a bit like the girl from fight club. I suppose I have just embraced the 12 steps. What’s one more going to hurt? In fact, I feel renewed and full of hope. I’m a newcomer again. At step 1 in a new fellowship – Workaholics…
Flushing Lucy
I did it again. I decided for various well thought out and calculated reasons that I should do another psychedelic journey. It was ok. A couple good things, a couple bad, no disasters thank God. Time to get clean again, but I still had 400 mics of Lucy and 25mg of 2CB – quite the…
I’ve Made A Commitment To Recovery. I Would Let To Many People Down
I had a friend come over who’s not in any 12-step fellowships (yet). He’s much younger than me and sees me as somewhat of a mentor (poor sap). He looks crestfallen as I meet him in my driveway. His head his tilted down, shoulders slumped, he smiles at me with a vacant look on his…
Close To Relapse – Workaholics Anonymous
I’m getting close to 6 months clean. Workaholism has got me. This feels familiar. It was October last year, orders were pouring in. I was making 30K a month, but the resultant work load was high. I was tired, but pushed through. I had never made that sort of money and wanted to take advantage…
God Grant Me The Strength And Courage To Be An Honest Man
I’ve been following politics since the US election. At first glance it appears a civil war of left vs right, but the more I research the more I realise how utterly corrupt the system is. The establishment; political elite, mainstream media, big pharma, and big tech continue to put out information that is either a…
My Mum Warned Me That LSD Was Dangerous And Would Cause Flashbacks
It’s a beautiful winters day outside and I have been putting in some good hours at work. I decide to finish off anything urgent and go for a walk. I get to the beach at about 10am and the chill is just starting to come off. The sun beats warm on my back, but the…
Self-Respect
“Hi Henry” “You look stressed.” “It’s been one of those days. I had to call a mediation service in Gympie to respond to their letter initiated by Lydia. I was pissed at the wording of the letter implying that if I didn’t respond it would go to court. I give her full custody of the…
Henry
I have a new sponsor. Although he doesn’t really believe in sponsorship. He says it encourages lack of personal responsibility, but he said he would be my mentor. His name is Henry and he’s almost 60. He’s tall and slim with a weathered face and is always leaning on something. He has piercing blue eyes…
Red Pill Journey
About nine months ago when I stared to make some decent money and could actually save I decided I should learn about investing. I opened up a share trading account and a crypto trading account (well I already had that from buying vitamins), and an account at the Perth Mint for precious metals. The learning…
Where I am Now in Recovery
I reflect over the last couple of years and have come a long way. I went to the edge of sex and drug addiction and came back. I looked right over that edge and skated the rim, but by the grace of God never fell, never abandoned myself like I did in my younger days.…
Working with Others in DA.
There are tools in DA that involve working with others that I don’t use. I feel I am missing out on these, in particular the pressure relief groups and business meetings where you meet with the other members and go over your numbers (income, expenses, outstanding debt) and help each other with a plan moving…
I am a Debtor
I’ve been doing Debtors Anonymous (DA) again. I did 2 online meetings over the weekend and I like the way it changes my mind around money. Like reading nutrition books helps with your diet, but being a 12 step fellowship it also has that spiritual element. DA has a wonderful balance between the physical, emotional…
Powerless Over My Parents
I’m at step 9 again and as usual God has presented me with all the right opportunities to see my defects and accept them so he can remove them. It’s a painful surgery, no narcotics allowed. The theme that has developed this time round in the steps is moving on from my past life. I…
20 Years Sober – 90 Days Clean
“We should go the meeting on Sunday to celebrate your 90 days.” Says my wife from the passenger seat as we are driving along. I think how nice it is that she remembers, I realise it’s important to her. “Is Sunday 90 days?” I ask. “The 13th right?” “Yep, but some of the months have…
Blessed To Have a Program
I’m not entirely sure how clean I am, let me check my calendar, 13th March. I might remember it eventually. It doesn’t mean much to me. I haven’t celebrated 30 or 60 days this time. I have pretty much done everything against the culture of NA this time. However, I haven’t done anything in contradiction…
Another Run Through The Steps
*I deleted a few lines that were a bit personal. Resentments Resentment Description Afects My Defects SE: Self Esteem – How I think of myselfP: Pride – How I think others view meFS: Financial Security – Basic desire for money, property, possessions, etc.PR: Personal Relations – Our relations with other peopleA: Ambition -…
The Cycle of Addiction
A friend from NA who has been in and out of recovery for almost 10 years now has come to work for me. He will be a real benefit to my business, but I have some fears about his next relapse. We spoke about the terms of his employment, but I held off addressing what…
Through The Doorway
I’ve made it. My psychedelic ramblings and madness were not so mad. Like Bill Wilson high on Belladonna with his white light experience and then years later with the Oxford LSD trials. I’m not aggrandising psychedelics. My thoughts on these powerful medicines has never really waned. The irony is I’m an addict and they are…
Guided Prayer on Fear From God
I am so afraid. I ask Jesus to come into my life. I am open. It’s ok to be afraid, meditate on fear, feel that tingly sensation, feel the uncertainty and not know what to do. Feel the tension in my neck as Gods light shines on me and says. “It’s ok to be afraid.…
The Authoritarian, People Pleasing, Virtue Signaller
I get an email from my ex saying she will be driving to Brisbane and can drop the kids off at my place for the last weekend of the school holidays. That’s like over two weeks away and means she will have them for the whole holidays. Her reasoning is she is having family come…
Boom – Propelled into the 4th Dimension.
We said our goodbyes headed back to Redcliffe. The next week was pretty good. I was on a bit of a honey moon and so grateful I had got through until the end of step 9. I read step 10 in the AA book and set up a time each evening before bed to do…
Step 7-9
Then I read instructions in the big book, said the 7th step prayer and considered step 7 done. For step 8 I wrote down the people I believed I had harmed specifically from my drug use. I wanted to keep this specific. I wanted to stop using psychedelics. I’ve lived the life of a self-centered,…
Step 4 to 6
Over the next few days I finished my step 4. I listed all my resentments and all my fears and then went down the columns looking at the instincts they affected and the defects they caused. I looked at the instructions on the sex inventory and decided to post-pone it. It was a deep crevice,…
I Had To Take Responsibility For Myself. I Had To Work The Steps The Way I Believed They Would Work For Me
I came home, watched TV, vaped weed and slept like a baby. In the morning we had to drive to Gympie to look after my son while his mum was away. I was in a good mood and my head was quiet. I was more committed to starting work for my new employer on Monday…
Maybe Tomorrow I Will Wake Up And Never Have The Obsession To Use Psychedelics Again
Despite my jolt of reality that this wonderful psychedelic perspective of the world was yet another manifestation of my addiction, I was still going to enjoy it. I sucked on my weed vape and bopped along to my music as I weaved through wonderland on my way home. I was going home to my wife…
I Wanted To Be Completely Ok With Being The Centre Of The Universe.
I made it home and hung out with Ricky for a while, had a bite to eat, packed my vape, dropped 20mg of 2CB, and headed out on my next mission. An hour later the colours took on a hue that always reminded me of jube lollies. It had been a while since I had…
I Will Really Have To Say Goodbye To Wonderland Whether I Like It Or Not
As I continued to walk I remembered a conversation with my son’s mum a few days earlier. She mentioned she didn’t want to cancel his phone because we would lose his voicemail. His dystonia had prohibited him from speaking since he got sick over 2 years ago. At the time I had thought that we…
The Tears Started To Flow. I Couldn’t Believe I Was Forgiving My Mum
Work was just a normal day. The obsession to use wasn’t so strong that I wasn’t able to stay present. I didn’t for a minute think that I was cured and could now use manageably because of my new found relationship with God, although I wouldn’t put it past the disease to come up with…
A Wonderful Idea Came To Me
The next morning, Thursday, I woke up early, did my morning stretching, meditation and journaling, and a bit more of my 4th step. The sunrise was beautiful so I thought I would go for a walk. With my headphones on I walked down the hill to Margate beach and bounced along the boardwalk. At 5…
In Awe Of The Spiritually Transformative Power of The Steps
The Q-ride course was challenging. It was hot and I had to wear jeans and long sleeves as their safety rules. I also hadn’t ridden a bike with gears since I was a kid on the farm, all my experience was riding mopeds in Asia, so while doing all the proficiency tests I was really…
I Need a Spiritual Awakening As The Result Of The Steps.
The next day I run out of MDMA, but still have 2CB left so drop a few 20mg of that throughout the day and vape plenty of my hash. I take Ricky out for lunch and we walk along the beach. I think to myself how much I love being high. I’ve had a great…
If Only I Can Stay Clean. Thank God I Know a Way
I go to work and it’s hard to concentrate, but I have to be there as I have the falcon renovating the bathroom, another guy fixing a leak in the roof and my car booked in for some work. I do what I can and think fuck it, I will vape some of that weed.…
Another Relapse as Part of Step 2
I finish work for the day and check the letterbox as I leave. There is a letter from Poland addressed to a fake name. I had given up on this one ever making it to Australia as I had purchased it over 3 months ago. Damn, it’s 2CB one of my favourite psychedelics that is…
What is My Understanding of Step Two?
After the devastation of step one, that I can’t live with or without my addictions, that my only hope is a higher power. The answer to addiction is to find fulfilment in bonding and belonging with other people, but as a self-centred addicted I am not capable of this. Every time I try I fail.…
What is My Understanding of Step One?
December 1994, I have just turned 19 and I sit in a nice apartment in Sydney over Christmas with family. I’m relaxing on the couch reading a book my auntie bought me for Christmas. I am on my good behaviour and not drinking too much nor smoking any weed, but I am nursing a glass…
The Topic is on Sober Activities
I’m at a meeting and the speaker shares. “When I first got sober I thought life would be really boring, but I have found my life is much more interesting now. I am present for my family and friends and I do normal things like walk on the beach and go out for dinner. I…
I am Powerless Over My Addiction And. My Life is Unmanageable
Nothing much excites me. I have made some good decisions and grown my business to a level I used to only dream about. I have been lucky enough to rent the warehouse next door to mine so now I have 2 warehouses full of stock. That sorts of excites me, but I know how shallow…
I’m a Success. Fuck! I Really Need to Stay Clean.
As I walked I felt something I have not felt so much before. It wasn’t the projection of the future and dreaming about how good things will be when I do this or achieve that. I have done thousands of walks like that. A very recurring theme was when I was 5-10 years clean I…
Red Pill Recovery 