So yesterday was a trip. I checked the express post tracking and to my surprise it said to be delivered today. Wow! I have waited so long and finally trip day is here. I did some work waiting for the post and then remembered I had seen the posty in the afternoon the week before so figured about 1-2pm. I finished my work and didn’t want to write, I was too nervous, anxious, excited for my trip. As I did some yoga I was fearful of returning to addiction. I was about to throw away almost 18 years of clean time. There was years of conditioning and the pedastalising of ‘clean time’, this is a needed thing to show the program works, but for my new path I needed to process it.
I went out and got lunch and then enjoyed a very peaceful hour of reading, all the while checking the post box every 30 mins. I felt a familiar feeling with the expectation of the drugs arriving, but it wasn’t the feelings I had before of herion, or sex, where my stomach starts to churn and sometimes I even do a shit. It was more like, or exactly like, the day I am going on holidays where the excitement makes it hard to focus on much else. I laughed at the pun as I was about to take a trip.
The post finally arrived at 2.00pm and after weeks of expectation I had the package in my hand, my hand shook as I opened it and then shook even more as I tried to remove one of the 5 blotters with teasers and scissors. I put the tab under my tongue and it was done. My friend Tommy rang to see if I wanted to go into the city with him in the afternoon. “I just dropped a tab of acid 20 minutes ago. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I’ve got myself setup safely in my room, but I’m not sure how long I will peak for. I think I will be right to come out with you about 4-5. I’ll message you later.”
I had gotten all my music ready; Ravi Shunker, Bach, Pink Floyd, the Beatles, The doors, had a shower was ready. I started fucking around on my computer answering messages from people that I had advertised furniture for, I was moving out of my house on the weekend, answered some last minute emails and then found myself scrolling facebook. I was noticing some effect, it wasn’t really pleasant, more just losing my organizational skills, becoming less effective and not myself. I thought I should go and lie on the bed and put the music on, but was sort of compelled to keep working. A few minutes later it was getting stronger so I decided enough is enough, answered my last messages, put my earphones in and lay on the bed. Pink Floyd first, but after half a song my intuition called for Bach, which I have listened to very little but read it was good for tripping. Bach came on and took my full attention. I could hear every note in more detail than ever, as they seemed to be alive, this was nothing surprising as I had read similar reports, but never the less very enjoyable. I would open my eyes at times to look around the room, but there were zero visuals, colours weren’t even brighter as I had experienced in my psychedelic youth. I looked over at my phone that was playing Bach and there was a cartoon of him on the screen, this became fascinating as I looked deeper and deeper into the intricacies of the drawing. I lay back for a bit more with eyes closed enjoying the music and after a bit longer checked the time, it was 3.15.
As my memory recalled it wasn’t gong to get much stronger, I checked online and found a chart of the peak, plateau and trough time frames and it confirmed it wasn’t getting much stronger. While mildly entertaining, this is not going to bring a visit form God or demons so I decided I was safe to let myself out of bedroom, get up and make a coffee and enjoy the freedom of the house. I message Tommy. “It’s not that strong, I’m good to go, come over whenever.” Still with my earphones in, Bach blearing at full volume, coffee in hand my mind wandered casually around the kitchen, my housemate walked in and I could see her lips move but not hear her words, I looked at her trying to listen and then realized I had my headphones in, she kept on talking as I was trying to find the pause button, which I finally found and then she proceeded to ask me questions about the logistics of moving and selling her furniture. I felt close to her and wanted to help, but I knew I wasn’t in state to do to much organizing so just did my best to appease her but to postpone any decisions.
Standing in her room looking at her bed, I was a little bit attracted to her and felt a burn in my loins, I didn’t act on it, because it would be pointless, she is not into me, but I noticed my desire was there. I sat out on the veranda with my coffee and get a message on my phone for the outdoor setting. I had been ignoring messages but the little icon of her profile pic looked provocative and caught my attention. I checked her out and she was a bit overweight but young and a cute face. I think to myself, I want to fuck her, so I message her “I’m here for the next 40 mins if you want to come over now”. I have images of inviting her in for a drink and and smashing her up against the wall. Well, this has not re-wired my sex addiction. I’m as horny as ever, maybe even worse.
I go back to my room and this time put on some psytrance which is fucking amazing, the wind is blowing the curtains so it looks like the room is breathing and I decide that I need to remove all my curtains and open up all the windows and let the room ‘breath’. I laugh at myself for being such a tripper, but I’m having fun and very lucid. Looking out the window in the street I notice my thoughts are very shallow, nothing deep happening here, if anything I am almost like in meditation. There is no introspection like I thought there might be, but living so totally in the present free of thought is a state I have tried to attain so feel there is some value there.
I turn to look at my full length mirror and see myself exactly as I am. 42, greying, bright blue eyes, healthy body. I am who I am. I’m fucking great. You are ok. There is nothing wrong with you. This is unexpected. One of my fears on this trip was to see myself unfiltered and not like it, but I thought even if that did happen I could gain an inventory of things I needed to change. But quite the opposite, there was nothing I needed to change. As I looked in the mirror I was taken aback by how much love and respect I had for the man staring back at me. I was absolutely ok exactly as I was, sure I might get better and there were things to achieve, but right here right now I was perfectly what I was meant to be.
Finished my coffee, I wanted another one, but wanted to ease off the caffeine to let the LSD work on it’s own, so I made a cup of tea and sat back out on the balcony waiting for Tommy. Drinking my tea at peace with the world, something felt different. I had been in this place so many times, admittedly 20 years ago, but this experience was different, the acid wasn’t stronger, it was advertised as 100 mics which was either an exaggeration or just goes to show how high I use to dose myself 20 years ago, this was a mild trip. What was different was me. I had chosen tea instead of a coffee, not wanting to add additional dugs to the experience. At this stage of the trip in my youth I was embarking on fear and loathing esk journey of drink in one hand, bong in the other while chain smoking cigarettes and if I didn’t have these vices I couldn’t relax, I was trying to get them. Here I was relatively content just as I was, or at least no less content than if I was sitting on the balcony straight. I didn’t need to fill my body with shit, was this my Freudian oral fixation having left me or was this I now had self respect and it was about enhancing my life and not destroying it.
There was fear that taking this trip would hit those receptors that turned on the addiction switch and I would decide drinking and smoking pot was a good idea, but quite the opposite, I didn’t even want coffee. Note, this was not me trying to be well behaved, this was what I truly wanted. Tommy arrived and I got dressed and we hit the streets. My coordination and ability to get ready was hindered slightly but everything else was good. We start walking and it’s a beautiful cool afternoon. A cute Asian girl walk past, Tommy sees me look at her and says. “Go on then.” My first daygame approach on acid. “Excuse me. I just want to tell you one thing.” She smiles and knows I am hitting on her, my vibe is good and I feel like a child, so innocent of heart, I look at her chest and her little cleavage and it turns my on, I feel a surge of desire flow through me, I want to suck those tits and fuck this little girl and it’s the most natural thing in the world. It’s completely ok to want and have these desires.
We banter for a while, hold hands, get close, this is an on set, my house is just across the road, I could maybe have got her straight to my room, but I’m just fucking around being a tripper and don’t seem to have the organizational skills to manipulate the logistics, besides my mid is set on hanging out with Tommy and I don’t want to abandon him. I take her number and catch up with Tommy. “How do you feel? You seem alright, just in a good mood” He says. “Yeah, I’m good, I’m not 100% with my co-ordination, I wouldn’t drive unless I had to.” “Really.” He asks. “Well yeah, I just don’t need to, so why take any extra risk.” Who the fuck is this, responsible tripping Nick. This is so weird. We walk and laugh and he gets off on my vibe and I feel like he’s tripping too. We walk together along Southbank and botanical garden and then up in the city. I feel I’m starting to be a bit much, there is only so much a straight person can take from a tripper and I feel like being on my own again anyway, so I say goodbye and head to the river at Eagle Street pier. Psytrance blaring, walking along the water I’m having a good day. I’m horny and in a good vibe, if I meet a lonely looking girl I will start a conversation.
Walk, sit by the river, no visuals, now I recognize I am well into the trip I analyse it and I’m disappointed I didn’t take more. “Break on through to the other side” comes to mind and I feel like it is a fun experience but I am up against the wall of this reality, I am still in it. I can feel there is another universe beyond and I would prefer to be there. I consider taking more, but don’t want to be up all night. I also don’t want it to stop, I feel like I could trip like this forever. Is this my addiction? I walk back through the botanical gardens and see a group of people on the grass with one playing a guitar. I walk over, say hello and sit with them. They share with me some cake and we banter, but don’t even get as far as exchanging names. I get bored with them very quickly and thank them for their music and cake and continue my journey.
I sit by the lake and my thoughts start to get deeper and I think about my kids and how I can help them and guide them especially the 9-year-old girl who is going to need to most guidance, and then I think how much I would have loved someone like me to guide me as a child. To be taught the things I know now when I was growing up, to be taught by someone like me, this I would relish. I had been doing a lot of writing about my childhood years, which were more traumatic than I thought, and it was because I lacked strong role models I had no framework to behave. I though the trip might get more introspective from then on, but that was about as deep as I got. Then a little dragon lizard scuttled across the ground in front of me and I just watched him for a while and then got really close and could see his chest rise and fall as he breathed so tried to synch our breathing but it required to much effort, still I got very close to him and just watched.
I sat back and watched the sky darken and then got hungry and was ready to go into the city. Psytrance pumping, leaving the nature of the botanic gardens and heading into the city. I was having a doof all of my own and felt good to be amongst the lights and the people. Once I got into Queen st, I was in familiar territory, there was a buzz around me, my vibe changed and I looked forward to whatever possibilities presented. I spotted a girl who I had seen the day before and given me a very strong eye fuck, but I thought she was a bit overweight and I wasn’t attracted to her, but I remember thinking, fuck that girl is a warm lead, just by the look she gave me. Now I was tripping I was much more attracted to her. I checked my thinking, you’re not going to want to wine and dine her, no, but I could just go super sexual, one drink and then pull her into the toilet, I could even skip the drink. My blood was now boiling, I followed her onto the Myer centre feeling like a sexual predator – of the nice variety. I saw she was with her friend so thought it unlikely, if not impossible, to get rid of the friend. I walked past them and we exchanged eyes like two horny dogs but nothing I could do, but it put me in a good mood.
I went to Guzman in Wintergarden to buy a burrito for dinner and noticed how short the girl was serving me, she was very cute, but couldn’t possibly be that short, I figured there must be a step down into the cashier area and starting peering over to see. She looked at me wondering what I was doing. I smiled and said. “I was just looking if there was a step down from me to you, you seem very low.” “No, I am just short.” I then realised there wasn’t a step and I was just tripping balls. “I’m sorry, you are very cute, even if short.” I teased. I walked out and ate my burrito, it was delicious, I didn’t remember food tasting so good on acid. Before long I found a shy little Chinese girl who sat on the bench with me and we were touching and it was possibly on, she agreed to come and sit by the river at Southbank with me which was half way to my place, so a good sign, but as we were walking I realised that I didn’t want to spend the rest of the trip with her so made my excuses, collected her phone number and said goodbye. I then realised the trip was well and truly on the decline, but I put my headphones back in and enjoyed continuing walking the city and then headed home.
Once I got on the bridge I was grateful to be out of the hustle and bustle of the city and the trip started to come back a little. I considered buying some cake or a treat to have at home, but chose the healthy option of not having any. It confused me a little. I had heard that micro-dosing gave you more self control around diet, but I didn’t think it would happen on a full dose, it wasn’t lack of appetite, it was just a healthy decision. Same with dinner, I had chosen the vegetarian burrito option because it looks healthier and I considered meat less conducive to a trip. These are such alien thoughts to me, I am normally such an unapologetic carnivore.
Once at home I felt really comfortable in my space, made a cup of tea, downloaded some movies, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and the 1951 Alice in Wonderland, music was still amazing so kept my earphones in. I considered writing, but couldn’t really be bothered and was just happy to waste my time with fun activities, looking at my photo collection, watching bits of the movies, and more music. It got to about 2pm and the trip was nearing an end so I thought I would try and get some sleep. As I lay in bed a familiar feeling of trying to get to sleep on the tail end of a trip came back to me from my teenage years. I remembered back in those days feeling a little remorse for poisoning my brain with such a strong drug and allowing a night of fun to potentially sacrifice the future health of my brain. I realised that was such bullshit. Not only did acid not hurt me in those early days, I suspected it helped me find God and get clean. My concerns were based on lies from the powers that be to scare people away from drugs. As I lay there looking out the window from my bed I realised LSD is not poison at all. And when you treat it like a sacrament rather than a drug you make other healthy decisions when you are on it.
When I was a teenager because I was taking this crazy drug that could send you mad it was such an act of recklessness that we might as well drink and smoke and even drive since caution be damned, we were being crazy. I spent just a few weeks researching LSD prior to this trip and learning the truth, I was able to have a completely safe experience and get all the benefits out of this medicine. I drifted off to sleep at about three and woke up a few hours later and had a really nice day, no come down, just a bit of sleep deprivation.
Red Pill Recovery 