Social Acceptability Does Not Equal Recovery
It’s been three months since I have taken any LSD. The last trip was so profound that I thought it was time to have a break. My ego died and I was re-born. I experienced the narcissist a baby experiences, lost in a world of complete self-centredness where I was the centre of the universe …
Continue reading "Step 6: Ridden with Defects, Blame and Finding Love"
I died. God mortally wounded me with the sickness of my son and brought all the feelings of grief and despair I experienced as 4 year old with the death of my father. I finished the final death blow with LSD. Without ego I was able to experience the mythology of Narcissist. Not the personality …
Continue reading "Reconstructing Ego: The Chance to Re-parent Myself."
I had started a new 12 step fellowship in January with Debtors Anonymous and had made a lot of progress with getting my accounts in order. I was now much clearer about my income and expenses, and even had a budget. I was up to step 3. The first 2 steps had smashed me. My …
Continue reading "Step 3 on LSD: Surrender and Acceptance. Ego Death and Narcissist"
January 2019. There I sat in my apartment in Jakarta high on sex addiction with a new girl every night. What the fuck am I going to do about my finances? I had taken LSD a month earlier and saw my spending habits since I was a teenager hadn’t really changed much. Tripping balls looking …
Inner change is hard. The steps offer to give you a psychic shift that will rearrange your beliefs and values. If you think that is going to be easy and enjoyable you are in for as much of a shock as me. At least I was able to draw on my previous experience and the …
I couldn’t wait to explore the world of drugs and alcohol when I became a teenager and gorged from the smorgasbord. Sex came not long after, but I wasn’t able to gorge so much until I got a little older. I got clean in NA when I was 19 and after some trial and error …
Continue reading "A new 12 step fellowship – Debtors Anonymous"
I had my first child when I was 29. A beautiful baby boy. As he grew into a toddler he was as rough and tough as any boy. He played with boys toys and when he fell down a flight of three stairs he stood himself back up, shook himself, and went back to playing …
I am too nice to say these things, but my dad would if he were me. I don’t know how much longer I will be here. If I could fall asleep and never wake up again I would, but I have lost even that basic human dignity to end my own life should I choose. …
I wake up alone in my queen size bed, fresh white sheets, temperature control. It’s 7am. I slept in, I must have needed it, it doesn’t matter. I worked a lot yesterday even though it was Sunday. I am slowly getting obsessed with business after pursuing other interests for the last few years. I am …
Continue reading "Today. I don’t think I have ever been happier."
I arrive in Bangkok and haven’t had sex for the whole month I was in Australia. I used to get frustrated when I didn’t have sex, it was a similar feeling to not doing meetings or exercising, but that seems to have reduced greatly. Still, I’m in Bangkok. I have a phone full of numbers …
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