Sitting on the bench overlooking the water at Woody Point, the ship wreck to my right, I view windsurfers, small yachts, and Brighton Beach on the other side of the bay, beyond that I can see the cranes of Brisbane port. I pull my head phones out, the pumping psytrance leaves me and is replaced by the more intense complexity of sound from my surroundings; the lapping at the rocks of the waves, the intermittent gurgle as the water gets trapped causing a vacuum and release, the cicadas and birds in the trees, and the wind as it rustles through the leaves and surfs on the ripples of the ocean. It feels like the volume is turned right up, but it’s not any louder, just more intense, the filters have been removed, I hear everything at once, everything exactly as it is, my mind too open to prioritize any of the inputs, they overwhelm me and it is beautiful. As I look into the sky, the white and grey clouds dance and twirl in on themselves, the backdrop of aqua blue sky, a kaleidoscope of colour glistens from the choppy sea, it makes sense that such a spectrum would be there with the moving water and sun, but I wonder how real it is, is this reality or illusion? The sounds and sights meld, not completely into one, but overlap like a grey area in between, they feel like one but can still be differentiated.
I close my eyes and the energy surges through my body in a warm comfortable feeling. What is life all about? I ponder as a vision of twirling white and blue light rises in front of me, it looks like 3 strands of DNA joined in the centre to create a 6 sided spiral, it is wider at the bottom making the top more condensed and seem to spin faster. As it rises from what seems to be deep within my soul I feel a rise of sexual energy, while the vision of the blue and white spiral remains, it now represents my love and sexual desire for my soul mate. My heart weeps at the deep passion within me, it is revealing the truth and the truth was buried as I let go of the rejection of Star, my girlfriend from almost a decade ago. I can feel her presence, she is almost touching me, our spirits are dancing, damn, I am still in love with her, let go, allow myself to love. I see her face, her sharp cheek bones, long nose, blue eyes, mousy blonde hair falling down around the sides of her face, her sleepy eyes look at me as her full lips part slightly revealing her teeth, I can feel her breath on mine as we embrace, her slender arms around my back; we are now naked, I am sitting cross legged as she sits on me, her long skinny legs gripping my hips tightly, her arms now resting on my shoulders I can feel her hands behind my neck, her breath on my lips, as the energy surges up between us and the vision of the light spiral intensifies, the white and blue lights swirl and meld with the climax of our love and lust, we are one, in two bodies, our sex joined a single spirit flows between us, my energy enters her as the world is perfect. I have never felt more bliss in my life.
I open my eyes and look into the ocean; I can feel the life pouring out of it. After all this time to get comfortable with being single, to be an independent man, to not need any one particular woman, and here I am looking into the deepest part of my soul and I am back at the beginning. At the depth of my soul, my truest desire with all filters removed is the love for one woman. Why? I look at the ocean, it is teaming with life, I can feel the trillions of living cells; the tiny microbes on the ocean floor, the plankton, the tiny fish, the crabs, and the bigger fish, it’s a huge ecosystem right in front of me more complex than I could possibly calculate. What is the meaning to life then? Is it love? Do I sacrifice all else for the love of this one women? Is that the highest value? I look into the ocean, there is an answer there. I don’t see any love, I see survival, I see trillions of organisms fighting to survive and replicate, right in front of me is a dog eat dog world, I can feel the life energy pouring from it, it is so loud, but it’s not all love and peace, I feel a clamouring for survival, the microbes eat each other, the plankton each the microbes, the little fish eat the plankton, and the big fish eat everything. The world, life, is harsh, it is dark and deadly, it is death, it is the cycle of life struggling for survival and replication and death. I see the complete selfishness of the trillions of cells, scratching and scrounging for the instinct of life, wanting to live and pass on their genes at all costs, no guilt, no values, no morals, just a will to live and multiply.
I take it in. Aren’t you meant to find God? I have found the opposite, and it’s exhilarating, there is no God, there is no divine creator, there is just a trillion to the power of a trillion randomness and that can create virtually infinite possibilities. The random events that are successful at repeating themselves continue as life, the ones that aren’t die out. The earth is but a speck of sand in the universe and the universe may be a but a speck of sand in what is beyond. It is remarkable, compared to this God is such a limited concept. But if love is just a trait to help survive and replicate what then is the meaning of life, to survive and replicate when you know the truth seems somewhat pointless. I can feel there is an answer and it’s right in front of me. I look at the ocean, the light flickers from the ripples of the water as the colours dance, the wind on my forehead like a wave of soft fingers, the clouds swirling, the overhanging branches of the trees behind me visible in my periphery. The world is beautiful, the mathematics perfect, it is art beyond anything anyone can create, it is dark, scary, life, death, love, pain, pleasure, good and bad.
This vision of life reveals to me that my deepest desire is not for Star, she is just the closest I have ever come to my genetic match. I am a product of the survival and evolution of my genes, my genes know the look and energy of their perfect match, Star is a gene set, she is a beautiful, loving, unique, and of course, perfectly flawed human, but as far as my desire for her goes it is just her genes that mine want to replicate with. Can that be all there is? I have felt her spirit, I can feel it now if I think about her, yes I love her body, but I love her spirit too. I close my eyes for the answer, I feel my sense of self expand one hundred times larger than my body, my genes have spirit too, what we know and can measure of the human body is only a fraction of what it really is. My desire and love of her spirit is my genes desire, the spirit, an evolutionary adaptation of the genes, we came from single cells and replicated, useful mutations were kept and non-useful ones were bred out – spirit a very useful mutation, from that formed consciousness, love, but the primordial building blocks are still survival and replication.
There are many Stars. As I close my eyes, the spiral now not as intense, I can feel my genetic code, the physical attributes just a small part of the abundance of my soul, my spirit, my love, my energy. I am living breathing spiritual manifestation of genetic evolution, what once seemed like a shallow conception of existence devoid of spirit now seems richer than any religion, or religious experience for that matter. With my eyes closed I can feel the life in the ocean in front of me, the trillions of cells and trillions of trillions of elements and electrons, I can feel my own spirit, the mathematics of the spiritual and the material are all in front of my as a cohesive unit, science and spirit as one. Once my own survival needs are taken care of my replication needs are the driver, spirit does not overcome this, we do not transcend beyond these basic needs, these basic needs are the building blocks of the soul, it’s nothing but ego to think we can transcend beyond millions of years of history, like beautiful architecture to think it is art all by itself and no longer needs those ugly foundations of concrete and steel. It’s ego to even want to transcend from our humble foundations, like we are ashamed of them, ashamed of the fighting, the fucking, the will for death and destruction to anyone who threatens our primary goal of survival and replication.
If I can sit without judgement of myself, if I can truly accept my nature, good and bad and not attach shame and guilt to myself, if I can look past the limiting beliefs of good an bad, then I can see the beauty in creation, the complexity far beyond human understanding, with such a miracle right in front of me, a man heeling a cripple or blind woman in the name of God pales in comparison, why would we want to simplify understanding to such a basic level when the truth in front of us is infinitely more creative, intelligent and beautiful. There really is no God and that is the most interesting and spiritual concept I have ever understood. When you can truly accept everything as it is then there is no need for God.
My ultimate desire for my genetic match is at the core of my being; guilt can rise, I should be more altruistic, I should focus on the children I already have, but the reality is they are fine and there is not that much I need to do to ensure their survival and prosperity, in fact I might just get in the way, imposing control and limiting beliefs on them, they need to develop their own understanding from their own uniqueness, ego of parents thinking they can manipulate and control in the name of responsibility, my kids have everything they need to become independent, survive and thrive. Star, my genetic match, she is but an archetype, there are many of them in the world for me, I just think of her because she is the closest physical and spiritual match to my archetype I have fucked. I don’t even need to succeed at the goal, the goal of finding and breeding with my match, I just need to honour the drive, to know what I want, feel it from bones to spirit and travel the world in search of her, but at the same time be happy to be single and content and accept I may never meet her, or if I do, she might not reciprocate my love. My love is for life, the most complex mathematical problem we have, the beauty of mere existence; the death, decay, birth and life, the hate, destruction, love and creation; all part of the ultimate art called life.
Postscript: This is what happens when you take 200 mics of acid and go to the beach on your own.
Red Pill Recovery 