I was an only child and had an idyllic first three years and ten months. My parents were together and I remember being loved by both of them, there were plenty of family friends always around and later in life I was told by those that knew me what a happy, intelligent and funny little boy I was, and of course handsome. I remembered it exactly as this. I imagine a childhood like this would give someone a lot of self-esteem and confidence, and having been nurtured enough by others I was able to nurture myself and by very independent as an adolescent and adult. At the age of three years and ten months my father was killed riding his bicycle by a drunk driver and my mother was eight months pregnant with my brother. I went from being doted on by a mother and a father to just a mother who was completely unavailable due to her pregnancy, grief and the massive changes needed of her selling his businesses and moving house. This transition period took at least two years and possibly three. I went from the happy outgoing boy to a repressed shell who just wanted his daddy back and missed his mother’s attention.
The death of my father was the only negative thing that happened to me, but it does explain my personality of high self-esteem and confidence coupled with low empathy and bouts of mild depression. I spent the next ten years looking for trouble in all the wrong places and them when I was 14 I found it. Sex, drugs and alcohol. It was a marvellous time, I had found my calling; getting wasted and partying.
Despite my weekend binges I did apply myself to my studies and imagined I would go to Uni and my life would be the same for ever, work hard during the week and write myself off all weekend. This was not to work out, by the time I got to uni the disease had progressed and I was no longer able to do the work hard part of that equation. I truly believed I had a party in me that I needed to get out of my system, so I deferred uni and packed up my Kombi van and headed from Melbourne along the East Coast and partied in various places along the way ending up spending most of my time in Byron Bay, with all the other people that had a party inside them that needed exorcizing. By the age of 19 I was burnt out and was in my first treatment facility. I experimented with recovery for the next 6 years, finally getting clean at 25.
Recovery
I was doing regular meetings in 2000, but I would relapse every month or 2. After a few of these relapses I was confused. I was doing meetings regularly, stopped hanging out with old friend and really doing my best to not pick up the first drug, but some days I just didn’t have that power. After yet another relapse I was back at a meeting feeling a bit sorry for myself and a member that had been clean a few years gave me some time. I explained how I had been doing all the suggested things and was totally committed to recovery and then one day just for 5 minutes I decided it was a good idea to use. I couldn’t remember the exact reason it was such a good idea, but at the time it seemed perfectly viable. After I was stoned I felt guilty and had no idea why I used. He said. “Just don’t pick up the first drug.” I figured he must not have heard my story so I repeated it explaining that I didn’t want to pick up the first drug and for 4 weeks, 3 days, 6 hours and 40 mins, I was doing good, but then just for 5 minutes my brain tricked me into thinking it was a good idea. He repeated. “Just don’t pick up the first drug.” I left the meeting more beaten than ever. Maybe Na was not for me. I could not do what they did. I did not have power over the first drug.
I continued to go to meetings because I had no where else to go and just expected I would eventually go insane again and pick up against my will, but then in one meeting another member shared that he didn’t know how not to pick up the first drug. He was 13 years clean so I figured he must have had a trick. We spoke at the end of the meeting and he said. “You have step one, you need to do the rest of the steps so you can have a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps. Then you will be restored to sanity and not have to relapse again.” I didn’t know exactly what he meant or even believe him, but I had run out of options and the way he looked at me, the belief in his eyes, I knew for certain that he believed what he was saying.
He took me through the steps in the AA Big Book and I was able to stay clean. The twelve steps were able to free me from compulsive thinking like resentment and obsession, and compulsive behaviour like drugs and sex. There is a big difference between having a passion for something that you love doing, even if you have an underlying feeling that it might not be the healthiest thing, and acting out of sexual behaviour like masturbation and prostitution that you don’t want to do and have sworn off. The steps cured me of the obsessions I didn’t want. It had been well over a decade since I had acted out on a behaviour that I didn’t want to or told myself I wouldn’t. It didn’t make me a saint, just gave me self control.
In my mid thirties I got depressed and went to a number of psychologists, they were mostly really shit at their job. I expected an educated person to listen to my story and then based on their training refer to case studies and examples of people with similar problems and how they were able to improve their lives. But the first few psychs seemed only skilled in listening and it was like they had no other education. I was a bit shocked, I didn’t need to pay $120 an hour for someone to listen to me, I could get that for free. I wanted to draw on someone’s decade plus of training. I finally found a guy about my age that didn’t just make stuff up and actually referred to his training and research he kept up to date with. He explained some things about my childhood, my loss, and how that could have caused addiction and depression. But he also kept trying to do something with me that I just couldn’t comprehend. He would ask me where in my body I felt that thought, try to get me answer questions instantly before thinking, and move me around the room asking me random questions. I was confused but had some trust in him. I could also see the look of hopelessness on his face in trying to get me to do something I was light years away from.
Through the teachings of a man, that claimed to be the reincarnation of Jesus, I was able to learn his emotional processing method. I don’t care if he was Jesus or not, but the teachings he gave me and the way that enabled me to feel emotions like sadness and fear, more than I had ever felt before, brought a great joy to my life. The purging of sadness through an intense hour of crying can free up months or years of denial. I also felt it quite enjoyable to go into the sadness, feel where it was in the body and physically feel the emotion pass through me. I would feel very free and discovered nearly all the anger I had was at it’s root sadness, so after I learnt to process the sadness I was left almost completely free of resentment and anger. It was a different process to the 12-steps of letting go of resentment. The 12-steps taught personal responsibility by looking at your part in all the situations you were angry about. Recognising your part in things opens your heart to the objects of your hate and humanises them, while you might not get near love for them, you can see them as a failed human being much like yourself and this reduces the resentment.
Processing fear was less enjoyable because my body actually shook when going into the emotion of fear and allowing it to overtake you was by definition terrifying, but the resultant freedom was the even greater. Being an entrepreneur, financial insecurity used to plague me, to feel that fear of going broke and losing everything is not pleasant, but the soul wants to feel it, the soul wants the truth and the worst case scenario is a part of the truth. This is different to considering the worst case scenario and then mentally thinking, that’s not so bad, and it’s different to the 12-step process of looking at the God given instincts like self-esteem, pride and security that are affected and hence amplify fear. All these methods are effective, but the emotional processing felt like the last piece of the puzzle. I was on anti-depressants, and against doctor’s recommendations I stopped them abruptly, I had only been on them a few months so wasn’t too concerned. This actually assisted greatly since the side-effects of stopping abruptly caused heightened emotions, good and bad, and I was more easily able to go into the emotions I was trying to connect with.
After this emotional processing I finally understood what my psychologist had been trying to do for me. I went back to him and explained I now understood and I could see the amazement on his face at what he had previously thought was a lost cause. There I sat in front of him completely in my body and in touch with my emotions. There was nothing left for us to talk about and he wished me well on my journey not recommending another appointment unless I wanted a follow up in six months to a year. My depression was 95% gone only coming back mildly a few times a year for a week or two at the most.
Single Life
Life was pretty smooth for the rest of my thirties. I focussed on business, personal development and parenting, and was able to see a lot of positive results in all areas. For my business I systemised the processes and employed staff from the Philippines, this freed up my time and I and ended up making an agency of it doing the same for other businesses. I structured my daily routine through books like “Getting Things Done” and methods like “Pomodoro Sprints’. I also committed to meditation which gave me a lot of benefits. I was becoming distanced from my kids mum and moved out, although didn’t really separate, I just moved a couple km’s away and we still worked together. I was still involved with the kids and really enjoyed spending the evenings with them on our own as they would come and stay at my new house most nights with me.
I finally separated from my kids mum when I was 39 when I got into relationship with another woman. I had fears of being old and lonely and put up with terrible behaviour from my new girlfriend because I believed she was “the one” and my destiny. The “one” got too hard and after a few months I gave up on her. Once the oxytocin withdrawal was over I could think clearer and realised how easily I had prioritised her over my personal values. I believed I had to change or that was going to happen again. I had to be a strong man with personal integrity and values that would never cave for a woman. I had to be single and ok with being single.
As per my nature I got obsessed with the concept of being single and researched everything I could on the topic. Predictably, I started with books on how to pick up girls, that included lines and techniques. On review these were mostly shit, girls are way to socially and emotionally intelligent not to see through that stuff, that content only exists to target vulnerable, lonely men, that will believe and pay, anything to fuck hot young girls. However, the process of getting obsessed with a topic and committing my energy to it had a number of benefits that I might not have uncovered without the first discovering the snake oil pick-up content, it was a gateway into a lot of scientific books on evolutionary psychology and biology that were a lot of help, my introduction to the concept of the “red-pill”, and physically going out and meeting girls at bus stops, cafes and walking on the street.
I got a lot of dates and was able to desensitise myself from the rejection and manipulation of women, and I became skilled at meeting, and to a lesser extent seducing, women. The process opened a new world for me, where I was a strong independent man that loved women, but didn’t need any particular one women. After a couple of years of this I no longer even wanted a girlfriend. I wasn’t lonely and had a satisfying sex. Now the kids are older and my youngest is 7 I feel I can leave them for a few months at a time and travel the world.
Red Pill Recovery 