So I’m in Bali and I’ve had 4 weeks with no drugs. I had pushed it pretty hard taking acid about 8 times, DMT twice, MDMA once and weed a handful of times from mid December to mid January. I didn’t really try to get clean, although I did think it would be useful to have a break, the main reason was they just weren’t around and I didn’t have the motivation to seek them out.
My first stop was Bangkok, I had booked into Koh San Road with the hope of finding a European or Russian girl. A big part of my LSD “therapy” was realising that I wanted to fuck girls my own ethnicity. I had been fucking Asians for years because it was easy, but it was like junk food – not very nourishing, I wanted white skin, and blue eyes. As I walked Koh San Road, I was in relative comfort. It was satisfying to be content on my own, yet have a burning desire for a particular type of woman, and have the confidence and experience to be able to approach her if I saw her, but I didn’t see her and ended up fucking an 18-year-old Thai girl, which was fun but very meaningless.
After 2 days in Bangkok I went to Pattaya and there was a definite shift in me. I didn’t take to the debauchery with anywhere near the enthusiasm of previous trips, and I even felt a bit bad in the morning after getting a hooker the night before, I woke up feeling dirty and realised my life would have been better if I had just gone to bed instead of getting a girl. It was a little bit like my experience with the weed, although the girl was much more enjoyable, it was hard not to vape when there was weed in my drawer, even though I would prefer I hadn’t the next day, it was hard not to get a girl when there was hundreds of them 100 meters from my room for $30. But like smoking the weed and regretting it the next day and refraining from then on, likewise I was able to go to bed instead of fucking the hookers for the rest of the week.
I questioned where the change had come from. Was it the psychedelics? Or was it the fact that this trip was not a holiday like previous trips. Normally I was only away for 7-10 days and I would let myself get lost in sex addiction knowing it would come to an end in a few days. This trip I was away for 6 weeks, I couldn’t abandon myself like a holiday. I found myself working and getting into a routine, I had a great room in a shit hotel in a city I no longer loved, but with good AA meetings every day and a friend I would meet for dinner. I was popular with the girls and could get dates, but half of them wanted money. I felt in limbo in this city waiting for my friend to book his flight to Jakarta where we were meant to meet. Not quite having enough time to travel somewhere else, being indecisive what I should do, where I should go, it was unlike me. But after a few days I came to the conclusion I was right where I was mean to be, I had a good space where I could work and everything I needed, and I needed to experience the temptation of sex addiction and reject it, not because I was white knuckling it, or afraid, but because I chose not to, because it was no longer fulfilling. I spent 5 days in Pattaya and after the first night didn’t fuck any hookers; weird. Then my friend finally confirmed his flight to Jakarta so I booked mine and was gone the next day.
Jakarta was good, I liked how friendly the Indonesians were to me and I had never been more popular with the girls. I thought Bangkok was good for Tinder, Jakarta is a whole new level of white man privilege, a lot of girls a self confessed “bule hunters”. Walking through the shopping centres girls would show interest and it was very easy to get numbers and dates there as well, but again I lacked motivation and wasn’t attracted to most of the girls, I spent most of the time with my friend. The idea of paying for sex in Jakarta seemed preposterous, I would much rather stay on my own if I didn’t have a date, again I wasn’t sure if the change was the psychedelics or the fact that this travel was now my life, or even the fact that I had had so many meaningless sexual encounters with brown girls that the novelty had really warn off.
But whatever the case, any sexual addiction I once had felt extremely diminished. Watching one of the many documentaries on LSD I had I had seen an experiment where they dosed mice with large doses of LSD every second day for months on end, the mice ceased to drink the sugar water indicating that they had lost the ability to experience pleasure. I even wondered if that had happened to me, and instead of having addiction removed I had lost the ability to experience pleasure, but I was reassured by a number of experiences over the previous fortnight that my pleasure centres were well and truly active. I had connected with my friend and his girlfriend in Pattaya on an intimate level as well as my other friend in Jakarta, while most sexual experiences were meaningless, I really did enjoy the company of one girl Tammy in Jakarta, who I chose over more meaningless Tinder dates. I had been able to get into flow in my writing and my meditation and yoga were at least as good as prior to my LSD adventure, although not as good as in between my tripping days.
But I really didn’t feel that much different, it was almost like the LSD adventure hadn’t happened. I had new insights and my behaviour was slightly changed, but I was still me, I was still a creature of habit, my morning routine was still so important, and I was still so dependant on it, I needed meetings just as much, I liked girls just as much, but still had no real desire to settle down, even with Tammy who I liked a lot. It wasn’t conclusive because it was only 2 weeks since I was tripping balls two or three times a week, but there was only positive consequences and even they were very small, nothing ground breaking, but none the less useful. I had made such a big deal out of embarking on this journey; it was either going to save my soul or destroy it, the truth was it did neither, it didn’t change my path at all, I was still in the same boat in the same stream, it was just that the boat had been retrofitted, I had had a few upgrades.
Empathy was one of the things that I thought could be improved from psychedelics, so far this has not happened to any great extent, when I am on acid and even for a day or two after I have greater access to empathy, but it goes back to my normal levels pretty quickly, it would seem that the empathy pathways that were meant to be built when I was 4 are still not likely to be built now with a bit of LSD, however the blind man gets much better at using his hearing and my perception has always been strong, presumably because I lack empathy so attempt to make up for it by perception. The doses of LSD and now the break for almost a month has increased my levels of perception, especially social situations; this may be more the daygame than the acid, however in the last month I have noticed my perception is now even stronger, or at least my belief in my perception, it could just be my imagination has increased, and I am wrong about what I believe I am perceiving, it doesn’t matter that much to me, what is more interesting is that now I can confidently assess social situations and tell a story from the body language of the participants.
The other thing is I now have a lot more conviction in my beliefs, to be fair these were happening before the acid, but the acid accelerated and brought the beliefs together, I came back from each trip more and more certain I knew what the meaning of life was for me, what role I should play in the world and how I should treat others.
Red Pill Recovery 