Early Recovery Sucks

May 2020

I’m 30 days clean. I sit in a luxury apartment in Cotton Tree watching the sunrise come over the ocean. My business has never been better, I feel rich. I have my physical health, close to my perfect weight, and no other issues. I have the best girlfriend I have ever had lying half naked in the thick white cotton sheets of the king size bed in the next room. I can go and ravage her perfect body 22 year old at any time I want. I got to spend time with my kids yesterday and have an old friend visiting me this afternoon. I feel loved and wanted.

But as I sit in luxury with everything I have ever wanted I feel empty and alone. My stomach feels tense and my heart feels low. I have a void in my chest I don’t know how to fill. I know there is a God there for me, but I can’t feel Him. I don’t know who I am and I am afraid. I try and rationalise and justify it with my mind. This must be more than the drugs. The drugs I was taking were only harmless psychedelics, spiritual medicines that didn’t even hit the addiction receptors. This must be withdrawal from sex addiction.

I haven’t had a single man’s trip for 6 months since I got together with Ricky. And I have stopped treating her like a sex slave – you can’t grow affection for someone and continue to treat them like a sex object. She has made a place for herself in my otherwise cold heart. But don’t ask me to be too intimate. Be there for me, but not too much. Don’t get into my personal space for too long, don’t ask for my attention for too long.

I’ve lost my travel. The excitement of buying the ticket and then the date to look forward to. The heightened state at the airport, like a twilight zone,  waiting for my flight to the land of milk and honey. Then arriving in my destination much richer and better looking than I was when I departed. Living like a king with countless dates and endorphin and adrenaline spikes all day.

Now I am in the real world. Back in November I sat over-looking the ocean high on acid and dreamt of what a clean life would look like. A new girlfriend instead of my womanising and the love of the NA fellowship instead of drugs. I got the girl, treated her like a whore and then went back to drugs. Now I am back on track, but it hurts. I have lost my toys. I have lost all my addictions. I am left raw and vulnerable, and I am lost.

November 2020

I am 7 months clean. My girlfriend in now my fiancé, business has continued to grow strong and I am I getting increasing joy out of my work. I sleep well and my health remains good. I live in the most beautiful house I have ever lived in overlooking Margate beach with 180 degrees of the ocean. I have a general inner peace and hope for life with a positive outlook for the future. I have much better relationships with my kids. I am still not great with intimacy, but I have improved. They come and stay with us and we all have a nice time. I go to 3 or 4 meetings a week, and even go out to dinner with members sometimes and stay in touch with a few of them. I am not deeply involved with the fellowship, but I am consistent. Most importantly I have developed a deep relationship with a Higher Power that I feel as love and guidance and part of me.

I sit in meditation one morning and I am seriously contemplating taking drugs again. I am not entirely sure why. I told my fiancé Ricky the night before about my thoughts to try drugs again. I told her it might be different this time. Now we are closer and I understand your needs better I won’t neglect you as much. Now we have this nice house we can have some awesome psychedelic parties. I know if I pick up I will eventually stop, but to be honest I just don’t know when. I’m confident that when it starts to affect our life negatively I will be able to stop – after one more party of course.

She tells me she will support me in whatever I decide and will always be there for me. She is a good girl. Now I look out my waterfront view as the sun comes up and it is a perfect day to dance with Lucy and Molly and walk the beach coming back for sex breaks. My heart tingles at the exciting day ahead. God is with me. God is smiling at me through the clouds as the sun shines gold and pink. I know this decision will make me lose this connection. Sure I can get it back, but it will take time and I don’t know how long.

The water sparkles, the glow of God in the sky, I am at peace and filled with the Lord. I feel like I have His blessing. “It’s alright my son” and inaudible voice says to me. This is a strange sensation. I feel like it’s God’s will, but I have to be in denial. I decide to sit in meditation for a bit longer and see what happens. Nothing happens. Ok, well I’m not going to say it is God’s will, but if it’s not God’s will then please put an obstacle in my path. I sit for another few minutes in peace and love. I’m not even in a hurry to take drugs. It’s weird.

Ok, it’s been 20 minutes. God hasn’t talked me out of it. Please God keep me safe. I am sorry for leaving, but I promise to return. I feel a powerful sense of acceptance. I am loved and accepted no matter what I do. I walk downstairs. Baby! It’s party day!!

January 2021

I’m twenty something days clean. I didn’t destroy my life. Things are as they were before I relapsed; business, kids, health, except I am now a married man. Life is good, I sleep well and my mind is quiet. But I have lost my higher power. God is gone, I can no longer feel His love and power. I no longer have the same sense of love, pride and trust in myself. I am so grateful for my family, my beautiful wife and kids. But I can’t love. If I didn’t know it was only temporary it would make me cry. Make a friend of time.

I am doing meetings and step work every day. I am stepping up to my worldly responsibilities and duties, but there is no love. I don’t dislike my life, I sort of enjoy it. But there is no fire, no love or passion. I can get a small jolt from a new idea, like a business plan, a potential sale, buying a new car, a tasty meal, or having my sweet wife climb naked on top of me. But these joys pass quickly and lack the depth of experience and the love of life that I used to have. I know this love will be available to me again, but this sorta sux.

I choose love. I tried to add sex and drugs to the mix, and for a long while it felt like it worked, but not anymore. I can’t really experience the deepest love that my wife has to give me if I share myself around. And I can’t experience the love of family and friends when I take drugs. Good bye sex and drugs. Hello God and Love.