Powerless Over Psychedelics

I had an important test at high school the next day so I told myself I wouldn’t drink too much. The night started to fade in and out of back out and then I woke up in my bed. It was morning and I was very hungover. How did that happen?

I bought a quarter of weed so I could sell 5 and smoke 2. I smoked my 2 and then couldn’t help myself to start on the other ones. I was down to my last few cones left in the bowl. It was late and I was ready for bed. You should save those for tomorrow, you won’t even feel them now. I smoked the last cones. The next day I was annoyed with myself. Why can’t I save any for the next day?

I bought an ounce of smack and set up shop. I had a great location in an apartment above a shop in Glenferrie Rd, Hawthorn. People would come over to score and I wouldn’t answer the door. I was on the nod and couldn’t hear it. I was either having a shot or on the nod. Another time I would awake to my girlfriend slapping me in the face yelling breath. I had too much. I’ll be more careful next time. A couple hours later I look at the clock, it’s been a few hours I can have another shot. I wake up on the bed. Damn I did it again. I dropped and now I am not really stoned anymore. I get up to get some water and see the clock in the kitchen. It’s only been 5 minutes since I had the shot.

I get clean and dedicate myself to NA. I relapse. I do more meetings. I relapse. I share with an OCM how I have been totally dedicated to NA and doing everything I can and then for just for 5 minutes I decided it was a good idea to use and then the blinkers went on. I didn’t even feel remorse or guilt.

“Just don’t pick up the first one” He says.

I explain that I don’t know how to not pick up the first one sometimes. Sometimes I believe it’s just a good idea. I don’t know how to combat that.

“Just don’t pick up the first one” He says.

I find someone that shares they don’t know how not to pick up the first one. He’s 13 years clean. He becomes my sponsor and takes me through the steps. I stop picking up the first one for a long time.

15 years later I decided that psychedelics are the path to open my heart and my mind. I turn my back on NA and total abstinence. The psychedelics work and don’t tempt me to go back to uppers or downers. They work so well I do them all the time. A couple years later they stop working in in any therapeutic sense, I have reached the end of my psychedelic therapy, but they are still so much fun. And they seem so benign compared to my heroin and alcohol use. I even have way more control over cannabis now in my forties than I did in my teens and 20’s.

I’m confused, things I believed about the disease don’t seem to be true. I certainly didn’t pick up where I left off. I have no problems saving some for tomorrow now. But I decide I’m getting too old for this shit, my isolation is getting worse and I’m really struggling to maintain bonds of love with my kids. I’m also afraid I could have a crash my car while high and I’m not being the responsible adult I would like to be. I give up for a few months. I have love and bonding back in my heart, being clean is way better, recovery is fantastic, but relapse is part of recovery – one more dance with the devil?

I relapse with my new girlfriend and we fall in love on Lucy and Molly. I’m so glad I relapsed, but I have to say goodbye. I have to say goodbye to my old mistress of drugs and start a new life with my wife to be. I look out at the ocean with her in my arms. Everything is so beautiful, the Lucy is so beautiful. I shed a tear saying goodbye to my mistress Lucy. It feels like we are having a threesome with my ex and my new girlfriend. I tell Ricky I am choosing her over drugs and I’m really glad she joined me for this last hoorah.

I get clean, but I’ve lost the love of the fellowship. Now it might be different, I’ve got a girlfriend. We use for a few months and she finally gets the shits with my selfishness. “What if I get clean?” I ask. Do you think that would help. “Maybe.” She says. I get clean. It’s hard being left with myself, but I have no desire to use drugs. I prove to myself I can get clean whenever I want. I work the steps and I double down on recovery. I decide I want this. I want love and bonding in my life and I believe I can only get that when I am clean.

My heart softens and I finally fall in love with Ricky. I respect her like no other woman I have ever met. I become much less selfish and attentive to her needs. I occasionally tease Ricky saying. “My girlfriend won’t let me use drugs.” I start having fantasies of using psychedelics again. Maybe it will be different this time? I’m so much nicer to her. I have accepted her into my life, we are a couple now. “Baby. Can we use drugs again for a little while.” “Ok baby.”

She likes the parties, but doesn’t like me as much in between the parties. I don’t like myself as much in between the parties. We get married. I stay clean for the couple weeks leading up the wedding. I’m trying to be a good boy and not spoil it for her. I succeed and feel I deserve a party. I take Lucy the day after we are married and she joins me. We have a nice day, but her heart isn’t in it. I can tell. The next day she tells me she feels like she cheated on our marriage and regrets using drugs with me. She says she will never take drugs again with me, but will accompany me if I want to. She is so clever.

I know it has come to an end once more. I have one more party and binge on Lucy with 1000 mics (spread over a couple doses) and a couple grams of Molly throughout the evening. I shoot it up IV for the first time in 20 years. We have a fantastic time. She is a wonderful companion. I feel shit for days. I regret using so much, but I’m glad I have no desire to use.

I go back to meetings and start on step 1. A lot of what I hear in NA is not relevant to me. I can control what drugs, how much, and when I use these days. I can relapse without too much obvious consequences. Sure, in years down the track things might get worse and I will slowly lose control, but try telling an addict don’t use today because it might get worse years from now. Try telling anyone don’t do something today because it might be bad years from now.

But I want to be clean. I want to have a wholesome life with love and bonding and I can’t get that if I continue to use drugs. But I also can’t stay clean. I can’t not decide sometime in the distant (or near) future that taking psychedelics is a good idea. I am powerless over psychedelics.