It was easy to see the unmanageability of my using when I was younger. Chronically alcoholic, unemployable, and living with my mum in my late teens. I would buy a strip of 10 LSD trips to try and sell it at the local pup, but invariably get too drunk and take most of them myself. A few years later, on methadone, even more unemployable, growing weed badly because I would be hanging out and neglect the girls reducing the yield. I was at least out of my mum’s, although she subsidised my rent most months. Anytime I tried to sell heroin I would use too much. I had failed. I had failed as an alcoholic and a drug addict. Drugs made my life unmanageable in all areas.
I had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps which allowed me to stay clean. My health, finances and relationships improved. I didn’t believe God would just hand me success. It requires significant amount of work from my part and for me it’s almost impossible to put in a lot of work into something without becoming obsessed. My success made me feel more manageable, but the pursuit of these was pitted with bouts of obsession and depression. My sponsor said. “Get obsessed with the steps and all other obsessions will turn into enthusiasms.” This has proven true most of the time. When I am investing my time into the steps my obsessions are more manageable.
I relapsed on psychedelics and promised myself I would never take any uppers or downers. I was able to keep that commitment to myself and never stopped doing AA. I felt like I was manageable. I certainly was compared to the addiction of my youth. I remember getting high and being so grateful for my life and the fact that I was getting away with it – having my cake and eating to too. I didn’t have any desire to use any hard drugs I had sworn off. I felt so manageable and had the full confidence that I would wake up the next morning and be able to take care of all my responsibilities.
While psychedelics really worked for the first couple years they eventually stopped making my life better. I got clean and went to NA, but because I am powerless I always decide it’s a good idea to go back to psychedelics again. I don’t even put up a fight. And in all my relapses within a couple weeks they have made my life worse. They have not destroyed me, they have not made me overly unmanageable, but they have made my life worse.
I’m now over 30 days clean. I have intense dreams and wake up in a bad mood, although I sleep well. I get a bit stressed at work and make it harder on myself than I need to, but I end up doing a good job. I get a bit bored and have some moments of anxiety, but I do yoga or go for a walk and it settles. I’m not always available to my loved ones and have a fear of intimacy, but we enjoy each other’s company and there is rarely any conflict. My health is good, my business has never been better and I am married to a the best woman I have ever been with. We live in the nicest house I have ever lived in over-looking the best views I have ever had. I feel pretty manageable. My life is far better than when I had 15 years clean. My life has never been better. So what part of unmanageable in step 1 can I identify with? What part of my life do I fail at managing?
When I came back to NA in November 2019 I figured I must be in denial and the denial would lift as I went to meetings and did the steps. But I think my assessment back then was pretty accurate. Psychedelics had made my life better. I was able to use them to work through the trauma of my childhood and then the grief of my son – which was very connected. My hypothesis that if I stayed away from physically addictive drugs I wouldn’t get into too much trouble was also correct and in reality I had succeeded at drugs. I had succeeded in living some of the drugged out experiences that I had failed at in my youth.
If I keep trying to compare my unmanageability of the drug use in my forties compared to my twenties it will always look like not much of a problem. I have to now focus on the one thing that drugs takes from me without exception – my spirit. When I take drugs I lose the connection with myself and God. And when I am clean they are the most important things to me. I cannot manage my mood and emotional state by taking drugs. Every time I have tried over the last year I have failed. I can only successfully manage my mood through spiritual practices; NA meetings, step work, connection with others, yoga, meditation, and exercise.
I still can’t get my head around “And our lives had become unmanageable.” When it comes to psychedelics. If I’m honest with myself, when I’m using psychedelics I am more manageable than a lot of people in NA, even people with time up. But I can accept I am less manageable when I’m not clean. These harmless spiritual medicines take something from me far too valuable for the benefits they bring – my spirit. Just because I can still pretend to be human doesn’t mean I get to enjoy the real juice a clean life full of love and spirit gets gets to enjoy. I need a spiritual awakening. I need to be clean.
Red Pill Recovery 